Troebia's Diary

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia

move the TV and sofa... into the bedroom adjacent to the living room....so that the dining/living room finally will be a neutral "normal" space.

A DMZ! Great!
Isn't this a minimum? MIL moving in is one thing, but plopping herself down like Jabba the Hut in the middle of your life is another.

I'll be able to get up in the morning without feeling observed. I will even be able to [gasp] sit at the kitchen table in the evening without having to endure any sort of surveillance, theatrics or comments.

You *are* being observed and not just feeling that way. "And you have been weighed in the balance and found wanting!"

but any sudden louder noise (that others harmlessly can ignore for a while) pierces my brain and leaves a loud footprint.

I suffer with this too.
Tinnitus, hyperacusis, sometimes-misophonia, and a heightened startle response.
It's exhausting, and sometimes makes me feel victimized.
I always try to carry the soft foam earplugs. They do help and give me a sense of agency

and I was throwing myself down the stairs like a crazy person as the loud clanging started.

Grocery store announcements bursting thru the often-too-loud background music make me jump.
Airbrakes-release on buses is painful.
Crashing of bottles in the bin.
On and on.

[manuel_moe_g]

“””

"We advise the visitors currently at the top of the tower that the bells of the clock are about to ring", and I was throwing myself down the stairs like a crazy person as the loud clanging started.

“””

I have a complete vision of this scene, Troebia

Really wishing you all the best, all blessings, all peace and restoration of your spirit

[Mental Fairy]

Daily I walk around with earbuds in not playing anything just to drown out the world.

[troebia]

Thank you all.

Here's another snapshot from this week: I signed up with the Red Cross and went in a group of seven to the flood disaster area. It's now been more than three weeks since the flood and while some local businesses are slowly recovering and kids are returning to school in some areas, the situation on the streets is far from normal. The local trains are still knocked out and the shopping centers and industrial areas still look like a war zone. The military are building temporary bridges to substitute the ones that were washed away, and the fire brigades are now mainly working on unclogging the drains that are filled with mud and sludge.

I went in a group of six to distribute food kits to people (mostly old folks) trapped due to their mobility issues in buildings that still have no working elevators/lifts. It was very hard work and I also worked some hours in a civic center packing donated clothes into crates and bags. Those mountains of clothes were then put into small trucks bound for the port. It will probably all be shipped to Africa since nobody in the area needs clothes, what they really need is to be able to work and get around again. A couple of us were reflecting on how the excess of consumerism creates these strange loops and overflows.

All in all, it felt good to collaborate but it also hurt to realise how much of it could have been avoided with proper warnings and infrastructure to lead water away from the urban areas.

[snoringdog]

You are a good man, Troebia.

[troebia]

Tiny crisis update and I want to spill my current thoughts here. My perception is that my hearing is getting increasingly wonky and is gradually deteriorating. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. The tinnitus is on my mind 95% of the time and what was previously mildly bothersome is now turning into torture. I'll schedule another appointment with the audiologist but it is of course useless, there is no cure currently and probably won't be in a hundred years. Every social occasion or just walking down a street has become an ordeal. I always wear earplugs in noisy environments but there are many occasions in a quiet place when a loud sound will surprise me, or the volume at an indoor place will slowly ramp up without me noticing. Also with the plugs I'm losing half of the conversations. I'm not sure hearing aids would be a solution since I fear they'd aggravate the tinnitus. Maybe plugs that have aids incorporated, I don't know and just thinking about it makes me queasy.

I happened to watch a video about passive suicidal ideation and it felt like the guy was ticking all the boxes for me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqMgxJqboG4
It's unlikely that I'll do something to actively kill myself and I'm also very concerned about my daughter and my wife, and how it would complicate their lives. But I imagine just disappearing suddenly...the thought is so appealing since I now go through the motions of life without feeling alive. Sometimes I daydream about some kind of "reset" where I go to a different place and everything is new, just to shake me up.

Therapy locally wouldn't really help because the therapists here just sort of winged it. One at least had the decency to say that he was "reading up on it".

[manuel_moe_g]

I feel so bad for you, Troebia, you deserve so much better than this

Sending you a hug over the internet wires

A hollow gesture, I feel a bit of your pain and suffering through your words, of course I am not fully aware of the depth

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

You've changed your avatar.

I'm interested in the old and the new... (Had to pause for a moment to recall the former)

Anything you'd care to share about them?

[troebia]

The new avatar is more of a self portrait, while the old one described better my state of mind I guess, with jagged lines in black on white. I'll probably change it again because I'm not happy about it.

[snoringdog]

In the new one, you look like an erudite soul about to perhaps impart a few wry comments, insights, and words of wisdom.