Troebia's Diary

[Mental Fairy]

That makes sense to me currently.

I also have a mortgage to pay and rent currently until the house is sold. I thrive on emergency work. Yet I’m more happy now than I have been in a long time.

[troebia]

We humans can be so different! Stress only frazzles me, I don't find urgency stimulating in any way. Under time pressure I'll even get sloppy and irritated...there's no "excitement" in it for me.

[Henrryon09]

It's wild to me how stress can either give you extra fuel ... or completely throw you off. Secondly, I have always found that time pressure doesn’t make me more anxious, it just doesn’t give me the rush some people talk about. It just feels draining.

[troebia]

Dear diary, I was hoping to be able to say I had quit the alcohol but it is a necessary medication for me right now, together with Xanax. I have been cutting down and also started drinking infusions instead of coffee, but the anxiety due to my life frustrations and the tinnitus is overwhelming.

There are now two clearly defined characters inside me: one is the person who dutifully maintains stuff, cooks, cleans, chops wood and keeps a straight face, and the other is a frazzled anxious wreck that has lost the will to live and push on. It's been a while since I could draw or paint something that shows some progress.

I'm taking each day as it comes. I'm not the kind of person that can zone out with Netflix for hours on end, I need to do stuff. But the purpose and direction seems to be gone. I do appreciate my wife, and her recent support with putting MIL in her own room felt especially important. However we are all alone with our demons. It's like being caught on a merry-go-round that's spinning and shaking more and more until I'll be flung off. Maybe I even look forward to that free fall.

Mood: This weekend we were out trekking in the mountains and stumbled on an old abandoned village. Wikipedia said it dated back to the 1400s and it still had some walls and arches standing. Remnants of an old mill, cobbled lanes, a cemetery. One could imagine people holding out there, living off the land, doing their crafts. Ten or fifteen families that gradually disappeared in the late 19th century.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Troebia

I smiled when you said you went for a trek.. got my eyes smiling to even read about what you stumbled across, an old village. What a find!!! Did you take any photos? With New Zealand being such a young country the oldest thing we will stumble across will be an old post box from 1870s that will still have mail in it!

Did you feel better after the time out on the walk? Envious!

Not having had bad tinnitus i am unable to relate, i only ever had it really bad when i was coming off medication i was using with alcohol a few years ago. Went for multiple days with loss of vision and ringing ears. Was horrible.

[troebia]

Did you feel better after the time out on the walk? .

It always makes me feel better, and if my wife is with me it's also a moment when we can connect the most because there are no distractions such as the chores of the house or MIL. While going alone, it's lately been with mixed feelings since I'll get pangs of uselessness. My head suddenly becomes an echo chamber with depressive thoughts and regrets. I may stop somewhere to sketch but the last couple of times I haven't been able to concentrate.

Walking on an ancient Roman or medieval road is like time travel. Spain is littered with remnants from the past and near old ruins of castles one always find shards of pottery. The oldest I've found around here are from the Iberian culture some hundreds of years B.C., easily recognisable because of the distinctive decoration.

[troebia]

I have just listened to a podcast episode that illustrates perfectly how disconnected I feel from the competitive world:
https://podcastaddict.com/the-art-of-manliness/episode/187752302

It's not just the content, it's also the hectic manner of speaking and the sensation of urgency that is transmitted, paradoxically while promoting a book with the title "Undoing urgency".

Some keywords in the audio: attention, focus, efficiency, goals, progression, challenge, effort, motivation, discipline, value, urgent, habit, fitness, investment, intensity, management, plan, metrics, objectives.

I feel lost.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Just listened for a few minutes and the fellow seems driven and it's a bit hard to listen to...
(At first I wondered if they'd sped things up, having just listened to another podcast interview that was more sedate and yet full of insights.)

Are all the Art of Manliness episodes like this? Why choose this one as a benchmark?
And how about paring the list down a little? Many terms just apply to building up a business, like he's doing.

Maybe - Attention, focus, value, motivation, challenge, effort, progression, habit, fitness...
(Feel free to modify/delete further )

And remember that you are not just what you *do*.
The competitive world is causing us all a lot of trouble, isn't it.

[troebia]

And remember that you are not just what you *do*.
The competitive world is causing us all a lot of trouble, isn't it.

Yes SD, of course you're right and thank you for the calming words. It's just that the last couple of days I've felt less gainful than in a long time and now I'm whining about it, in spite of having a roof over my head and food on the table. I should shut the f up...or get into a "real" business of some sort.

Heck, even just to sell some of my paintings once in a while would feel good. And then just after thinking this, depression and anxiety suddenly sets in again and almost floors me.

I was out today to a mountain village with the sketching group and the organiser lent me the "chapter sketchbook" to do a drawing, which is an honor of sorts. I had already warmed up with a quick sketch in the sun, and I made the error of then going into an alley that was in shadow. It wasn't too cold, but the watercolor just wouldn't dry and I muddled up my painting. I had to rush to the sunlight a few streets away and try to fix it...but you can rarely "fix" a ruined watercolor! In my head, I was thinking about that painting as an important commission and I got nervous and almost lost it. Anyhow I later felt I'd narrowly escaped a complete disaster. Figuratively, if I were a pilot it would be like putting the plane down without casualties but ruining the aircraft beyond repair. I'm so messed up it's almost comical

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

I think your sketch group might get a chuckle out of your story.
It sounds a little like a TV sketch.

And I'm sure there's were plenty of self-critiques given by the others in the book..