Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

Here's a long read about a depressing subject that actually cheered me up a bit:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/ng-interactive/2024/dec/17/euthanasia-assisted-dying-netherlands-stephanie-bakker

TL;DR : Young physically healthy privileged girl in rich country petitions assisted suicide because of depression and is finally granted the procedure (legal in the Netherlands), but chickens out at the last minute and "discovers" that life is probably worth living after all.

There's a subreddit https://www.reddit.com/r/ImTheMainCharacter where this story would fit in perfectly because of the way this person managed to create a vortex of misguided attention and compassion around herself. It is of course a newspaper article and they've most likely biased the story to make it even more absurd, but while I read it I felt pangs of shame because in the interview I recognised some of her in myself.

Some of my thoughts after reading:

• Life is unfair, finite and full of dissatisfaction and suffering, but is still worth the trouble living.
• Whining is a waste of time. Also, other people have their own shit going on.
• If you have the fortune to not be terminally ill or in constant pain, you have massive potential that probably goes largely untapped. Being a part of positive action is very rewarding.

[troebia]

Also, some good old Kafka:
https://www.threads.net/@__poeticsolace/post/DDwk4hqoCLw

Sorry/not sorry about harping on about these kinds of principles. Right now they provide me with some footing during my darkest moments.

[Mental Fairy]

Don’t apologise. I absolutely pick up what you’re putting down. I’m dreading tomorrow.

[snoringdog]

I find them interesting as well Troebia

[troebia]

Update with medium to serious downers. Today I realised the sensation of the tinnitus had become slightly worse, making me even more anxious than my already jumpy state with all the Xmas bullshit family stuff here at home. I swear I'd have taken the car and just driven away for the day but there was too much kitchen work to leave my wife and daughter with it all.

Also, a tooth has been acting up with some serious pain. I'll see how it goes, at times this comes and goes in a couple of days. The dentists haven't seen anything out of order before even with x-rays but maybe this time they will. I don't have anything stronger than paracetamol right now. Anyway I'd like to be able to hold out until after the school holidays end here before calling in for an emergency checkup with some rookie.

I've been interacting on some tinnitus-related online forums to try to get my bearings back, because this shit is becoming disruptive... some days it doesn't let me think. There is no current cure and the only existing treatment is psychological therapy. Some people on the forums insist there will be breakthroughs in treating the damaged inner ear hair cells within a few years but others say it's hopium, the mechanisms are just too complex and even AI-aided research won't make much of a difference. Most seem to agree that the key will be to "unlock" already existing genes that permit hearing cell regrowth just as in reptiles, though without creating runaway cancers and other side effects. Best guess is that some gene therapy will come along eventually, but long after I'm dead. There are also devices that provide external electrostimulation on certain zones on the head that promise to reduce the tinnitus drastically, but talk about this goes back for years without someone actually saying it worked for them.

I need something to take my mind off this hell.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Troebia

I am so sorry you are suffering

[troebia]

Thank you for being there Manny.

Woke up with less toothache so that's something. I've been trying to jump-start my drawing and painting but it hasn't been working. Showing up at the table counts for something though I suppose.

Have also been working with pruning in the grove with a fierce angry energy, sweating, feels satisfying.

[Mental Fairy]

I am wondering if you are grinding your teeth. This can cause similar pain to toothache. Brushing of the ligaments can occur with grinding or clenching. Some people do this in their sleep without knowing or through the day. Stress a contributing factor to ringing of the ears also.

Can you pin point a particular tooth of concern? Tender to heat or cold? Paracetamol won’t do much for toothache, more needed is anti inflammatory based.

[troebia]

Can you pin point a particular tooth of concern?

No grinding says the dentist, just a general disaster area. I hate looking into my mouth but did so yesterday, it's probably an abscess forming around the screw of an old crown. I already had another crown pulled out a few years ago due to rot underneath, no replacement yet. I'm taking antibiotics to see if I can hold out for a few days, until the more experienced dentists return from the Xmas holidays.

[Mental Fairy]

Good plan. Antibiotic will buy you a window of time. Sub gingival decay is common with crowns if a patient doesn’t continue to floss or use interproximal brushing.