Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

Launched the new year with a f*cking awful nightmare: I was being consumed by fire. Weirdly in the dream, I was floating in the air and not leaving even ashes behind. My wife and daughter came looking for me in that very spot but I had vaporised completely. I was still "there" in a sense, as a floating invisibile presence. I "felt" both relief to not have left behind a contorted mass of stinking remains, and also frustration because I wanted to tell them "Don't worry! It's over! I'm not suffering now! Get on with your life!". I woke up at that point in a cold sweat. Passive suicidal ideation? I don't know, but other people seem to have an enthusiasm that has long since left me. It's day by day for me now, and sometimes even hour by hour.

Of course the dream is most probably related to the fact that I spent all the previous morning burning pruned branches and twigs from the grove. The heat was really intense because if I don't make a decent roaring fire, it takes forever to make "green" wood burn.

Mother called me from abroad three times between Xmas and New Year in various states of drunkenness. I've also spoken to one of my brothers over there and the dysfunctional relationship between them and my other brother is simply baffling. Youngest brother is holding our mother emotionally hostage since he lives nearby her and decided to ruin their plans of Xmas dinner all together, picking an argument with his sister-in-law. I told my mother that as long as he's getting away with his tantrums and infantile behaviour, he's going to keep doing it. I asked why they didn't just ignore him and have their own dinner, but my mother is afraid of losing contact with him and not being able to ask for any help from him anymore. A grown fiftyish man acting like a five year old, and an eighty yo lady who has no social network and lives like a scared little mouse.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

That dream sounds awful.
So weird how our minds can take somewhat innocuous inputs from the day and spin them up so dreadfully.

Sad about the relatives too. We're such stubborn and emotional creatures stuck in our ruts....

Anyway, I thought about you the other day while in the lobby of the medical building where I give platelets. Saw these on the wall and they reminded me of a few you've posted.

The portrait looked like it was done in one stroke without leaving the page.

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[troebia]

Hi SD, I like #3 especially and it shows some real "academic" painting skill while also being quite a bold abstraction with the colours and strokes. #1 looks like it's by the same person but it doesn't have the same intense focus, it's a bit all over the place.

[Mental Fairy]

Interesting dream. Gosh our minds are incredibly frustrating.

I could almost feel it in the way you write it. Gave me chills

[troebia]

I can look back on my life and remember many good moments. Compared to many I have been fortunate, and some things didn't turn out too bad even though I didn't deserve it, or in spite of the things I did or said. I see no "reason" or "sense" in life and I'll now let myself float downstream without paddling actively in any direction, only going through the motions of existence. My wife insists I should try therapy again but I'm sick of it, I've gone through too many techniques and tried too many exercises, too many meds, spent too much effort and money uselessly. I'm treatment resistant to SSRIs. Vortioxetine gives me blackouts.

I fantasize about doing psychedelic drugs in a controlled setting. I imagine leaving my body and being reborn or reset into a new consciousness as someone hugs me, while I bawl my eyes out. I become a different person and nobody, not even myself recognises me anymore.

As in an art film scene, I then find myself walking down a lonely dusty rural road in a country unknown to me (Uruguay? Australia? Iran even?). Someone in a passing pickup truck spots me and stops to ask where I'm going. After I give incongruent answers in a language they only partly understand, they insist on taking me somewhere. I'm then in a small village, where there is work to do. I fix stuff. I help in the fields. I make pottery. I sleep deeply every night in an abandoned shack I fix up a bit. One morning, a woman my age comes to hold my hand without a word as we walk to the fields. Her pace is different from mine, awkward. She looks at me inquisitively without saying a word. During the day I don't see her anymore. A few days later, another woman approaches me to take my hand, and I see she has a slight limp. Strangely though as we start walking, our steps become synchronised. She smiles. I had also been limping, all along.

[troebia]

Crown and tooth out, after a harrowing fifteen minute extraction by a surgeon that would have done better with a stronger grip in her hands. The swelling and pain is slowly subsiding. I'm taking dexketoprofen which definitely kills the pain but I'm tripping balls.

Another good person I knew died. He was older, but if in this day and age you didn't make 80 and have to go because of massive post-op sepsis, it seems too soon and also a waste.

Relationship at low point again. I've told my wife that if she insists on only speaking to me in imperatives, things will deteriorate further. I am not without fault, but I keep imagining not having to have a violent discussion every day. Of course there's zero sex.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh hun, I’m so sorry.

Warm salt water mouth washes to help with healing over the coming weeks. Keep area clean.

I’m feeling for you on the relationship front. It’s exhausting mentally and drains the body physically also. Little tasks become resentful activities.

Here to listen and read your progress.
Hugs

[troebia]

Reading an article about relationships and this line hits me like a brick:
there’s little space left for playfulness, curiosity or exploration

It's been rather cold (around +3ºC) and I've been stuck mostly in the house, which generates more friction with MIL. Had a stupid argument with sister-in-law when she came over, or rather she began shouting at me while I chose not to retaliate. Her adult daughter stepped in at least, telling her to calm down. Wouldn't it be true to say that wherever one goes and whoever one has to interact with up close, there will inevitably be conflicts at some time?

My gums have almost healed after the extraction and I finished the antibiotics treatment. Even started to have some unrelated creative thoughts after all the pain, so that's something.

It's sad that this forum is mostly defunct now because it's been filling a gap for me. I've been looking around for an alternative but the things I've seen so far are either too young and fast-paced or too old. Many "friend finder" sites are ultimately a front for getting into relationships without strings. I put up a profile on one site and a woman asked me why I was there if it wasn't to bang. Then I finally recognised the patterns, either to relieve sexual or financial pressure. There seems to be nothing truly friendly in between teenage angst and old people's cake recipes.

[Mental Fairy]

Love your posts, please don’t go.

[manuel_moe_g]

yeah, really miss Oak

don't wish to lose Troebia as well

it is a selfish thing

{{{all blessings, all love, all strength}}}