Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Came across this poem in the latest "Best of the Small Presses" volume and thought you might like it.

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[Mental Fairy]

Oh I do like this post. Will take a copy.

[Mental Fairy]

Week one of 2025

Tensions have been high in this first week. I have to keep reminding myself we are in a new year.

Was back to work today after allowing myself to take time off. I got rather used to the time to myself and didn’t feel ready to return to the surgery in any way. I even drove past it the other day with no desire to even look at it. In fact it felt like a forced glance.

The floor tiles were placed in the steri room today, cabinets going in. All the sinks and electrical side to complete. How I am going to approach this year with the work side of things is to back right off, to remind myself I don’t have to fill all shoes and all roles. I need to allow myself to seperate myself from it. No more weekends and absolutely no more extra miles for a while.

I’m still having dreams of the past, a few more with my ex husband involved. I wake in a panic and have to remind myself I am not attached to that person anymore, I struggle with the feeling of anger towards it all. It takes me back to a conversation with Oak back in early May, before we set off on the trip to South Island to see if this marriage could work. I knew before I got on that plane it was destined to fail. I knew on the first, second, third and fourth night. Not once did we embrace with happiness or excitement. There was this undercurrent of resentment and fear. Fear of being alone, single or divorced. Fear of failure. What I have learnt about marriage or relationships or even connecting with a significant other is there has to be trust, mutual understanding, respect and courage. It takes courage to let someone in, to let them see the good, bad and non judgemental ugly moments.

Anywho, now I have that off my aging chest…. I have a new found love for all things marine. My inner child came out to play on Saturday night. I was on a walk along our foreshore area, the tide was out, sun was low, so I took the opportunity to have a walk over the rocks of our coastline. There below me were such interesting and beautiful marine creatures. Starfish, crabs, weird sea creatures and my favourite, Kina. Kina is a spiked round ball filled with this living eatable creature. Not a fan of the taste but I like the way they look. Kind of like the hedgehog of the sea.

I am trying to do one random thing a month to try connect to that inner child. I recall SD trying to coach it out of me a couple of years ago. When I was on a run I came across this random lazy boy chair on the side of the road on an early morning run in the pissing rain. I thought of SD and some comments he made, so I took the opportunity to jump into this chair pushing its foot stall up and laying in this chair in the middle of a rainstorm, in the dark, mid run. Brilliant moment. From there I started geocaching again. Little steps. Now I need to step it up a level.

I keep having moments of anxiety and dread. So bad at times I just close down completely, then I get incredibly defensive and feel defeated for some reason.
Someone annoyed me the other day with a comment that was a personal attack, I immediately started shaking and packed a bag to run for the hill. I had to remind myself again I’m ok. It’s just a reaction to how I was treated for so long in the marriage. The difference is I live in a different home without that person under my roof. It’s so weird adapting to the change.

Better get in the shower, eye lids are heavy.

X

[Mental Fairy]

currently watching the news and shocked at the wildfires. I am lost for words.

[snoringdog]

It is unreal.
My brother lives in Cal and I monitor the fires every year on the government fire maps with respect to his house's location.
He's never had to evacuate, but it's worrysome.

To see a whole large city area on fire so near to the shore... you're right. No words...

[snoringdog]

Satellite view

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[Mental Fairy]

I’ve been watching the news continuously. So many beautiful memories there.

Many tears, it’s hard to believe. News here saying arson?

[snoringdog]

It's been very dry, and when I heard of the up-to-100-mph winds (Santa Anas ++) predicted a few days ago, I was worried.

Fires in California happen every year as a matter of course given the natural environment.
It's boom-and-bust cycle with the yearly rains and then the drying out.

Human activity, most times unintentional, can be the cause, along with lightning and sparking in the power grid. (They learned this a few years ago and now shut off the power to susceptible areas to prevent it.)

Unfortunately there *are* cases of arson and it seems like the culprits are usually caught....

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

It's Monday, again!

House still on market, had interest but waiting for others to sell their home to buy ours. I still feel tied to him (ex husband)through this house. Yes, we have a grown son together but that is different. A house is bricks and mortar in my head, it can be sold and moved away from.

I keep looking back to find a time i was really happy in the marriage and am struggling to see when it was exactly that it all went tits up. I knew deep down i was not the women for him. We were way to different, struggled with communication and i really knew deep down there was someone else but couldn't bring myself to admit it. As time goes on i see how the marriage effected everything around me, how it sent me down paths of extreme anxiousness and deep self hatred. It is only in the last few weeks that i have been managing to run in the daylight with my head held high. I am slowly growing in confidence again. Step by step.

The fact i don't have to see my uncle who was always drunk every Sunday has been so freeing. Some people just drain ones energy, and some refill it.

Currently i have this overwhelming desire to be on my own more and more. Once the house is sold i will be settling aside some money to plan out the long 4-5month New Zealand walk, not this year, end of next year. I have no problem being away from civilization, i just need to know my cat will be well looked after! My nightmares have been ever present and i do wonder what they will do while I'm on a long trail. Will do a few nights away here and there to test the headspace.

There have been many walks done over the past few weeks, a few bush treks completed and trig's concurred.

Health wise i am on a level where i am managing the medication ok. The low dose chemo is doing the trick, the energy levels are on the up and up. Yes the hair is thinning out a bit but i don't really care about that part. Weight is frustrating as it is hard to keep the weight on. I am taking in large amounts of calories and protein to help balance the burning of the calories on my training program, will up the dose of the medicated shakes to try keep things stable enough to keep training.

Managing my way through a book i have had for a very on time on my shelf to read, which has shocked me as i have been struggling to concentrate on one thing at a time over the past few weeks.

My old climbing partner has been sending me photos of our past trips over the years in some very sketchy alpine areas. Is really makes me think about the adventures and places i used to go. How far i have come, how far i have pulled back also.

Setting myself little goals this year, just bite sized ones. Realistic ones. Yes, running is still involved. I love it to much. Less coffee and less give a shits about my workout performances.

Last week i treated myself to some new lovely lingerie, something i know if i had an endless bottomless pit of money i would have a addiction for. There is something about being casual on the outer layer but anything but underneath. A little feminine self love..

To get out of my head i have been doing a lot of geocaching as you all know, last week took me to a bush line on the side of a local soccer field. I looked and hunted in that bush for two hours, right up till the sun went down. People were doing laps of the field with their dogs looking at me like i was some crazy women when they went past.
I found on my hunts a Frisbee golf area which i plan to have a go at.

The melancholy is just under the surface at all times, i note it and try my level best to battle it. Sometimes it just takes over, especially looking at the news. Something i feel i need to keep doing for some reason.
I have set up my Alexa thing next to my bed to turn on sleep music at 7pm, when i make my way to the bedroom in the evening it is nice to hear soothing music playing gently in the room.

I have noted music has been playing a big part in my mood fluctuation. When i run i put on a particular music beat and just focus on that. Takes the headspace to a different place. Even typing away now i have my ear pods in to drown out the sound of the cars outside. Just a gentle study type music playing to sooth the heart rate.

Time to sign off and get my wiggle on.

Kiwi love