Dear Santa..better luck next year!

[Powerpac]

I count myself among those of us who may feel that having survived the 25th is a bit like what surviving automobile wrecks must be like. I count this time as among the saddest parts of the year. Compounded by the fact that I've lost my career and wonder if I'll ever work again, and get out of debt, do something meaningful, etc. my family dynamic is so fucked.
My sister phoned me a few days before xmas and gave me the best gift I could ask for: "I'm having dinner here for the family" she said, "to give mom a break from all the cooking. You are going through a terrible time and I want you to know that no matter how hard mom might try and guilt you into being there, if you feel you can't I completely understand. You have no game face to put on, and if what you need is to be alone and watch movies I get it. It's a hard time of year and a hard time for you".
And so, come the day, I decided I did need time to myself. But two hours in, I felt a bit guilty and felt that getting out would do me good. So I walked to my sisters to say Merry Christmas to the other family. It was a pleasant 30 minute walk and I listened to the mental health happy hour podcast during my trek."

"Welcome she said!" I said hello, sat down, my sister poured me coffee and then declared: "You look awful". I though she was kidding to get me to laugh as it came out of no where. "Are you serious?" I asked. "Yes" she said "You look REALLY bad. Like, you look sick. I've never seen you look this bad in your life. Seriously, are you trying to wind up in the hospital or something?". You look bad."

The room fell silent, my parents fell silent. Every fiber of my being wanted to get up and just go ape shit and yell "how dare you be so rude!". I stayed, and when my folks and I piled back in the car even they agreed it was too much, went on and on, and was rude.". However, no one came to my defense.

Tomorrow, the invite is reciprocated and my parents are having my sister over for dinner with her family. I've refused to sit at the table. I simply can not rise above a comment like that without an apology. I'm looking a being hospitalized in January for ECT treatment, have been battling non-responsive (to medication) clinical depression. Brink of bankruptcy, sold everything, lost my home and a few years ago had an amazing performance career. So forgive me if I look a little weathered and beaten down. But fuck people?!! Why do family feel completely at ease with telling someone exactly how they look, especially after having been so understanding just days before. It is nothing short of a mind fuck.

And now, I'm being painted as the bad guy who isn't reasonable and forgiving because I don't want to dine with folks like that. Relative or not.

Am I an unforgiving, self-centered prick?

I took gravol and valium last night and knocked myself into a coma just to check out of this fresh hell reality.

Anyone's honest feedback is welcome.

[manuel_moe_g]

This is a tough one. I have no idea what is worse: in-your-face insensitivity, or being silently unacknowledged. I have been reading your posts, and I feel inadequate - I honor your pain, and I see you are being dragged through a situation that would have broken me a long time ago. So you have my admiration that you still have an identity to defend.

Your sister imagines she is being helpful. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

My personal fear is to sink into nothingness, so I don't necessarily run away from the harsh and the non-compassionate.

I honor your pain, and I support your decision, because I am completely inadequate. Please take care, we all care about you.

[Powerpac]

thank you for your reply MM.

I envy your desire not to sink into nothingness and face things head on. As I write, I'm cowering in the little back bedroom of my parents house while upstairs, merriment is underway with Sister and her adult children all around the table eating a post xmas ham dinner. I've spent the past three week emailing the same email to my sisters kids (in their 20's). Explaining to them that it is a difficult time right now, how important it is that we spend some one on one time together independent of formal arranged dinners etc. where everyone gets lost in a group. They used to dote on me. Now they have no time.

I made a cordial attempt to say hello and my sister grunted with her back to me. I guess I'm in the wrong again.

I can't imagine living with this pain much longer. I feel like I'm am collapsing inward, sinking in on myself. And all the while I get the feeling that it is all my fault, that I am bringing this on myself. Given the license to not make appearances out of obligation, and then chastised for doing so, it's all so painful.

I've now isolate from everyone and everything. Not even caring for myself. I eat alone in my bedroom. I don't trust anyone to be compassionate. Compassion seems to equal special attention.

I am a self centered, miserable "problem" person, with no prospects and no hope of seeing my way through to the other side. I don't care enough about myself anymore to even honor my pain.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am a self centered, miserable "problem" person, with no prospects and no hope of seeing my way through to the other side.

Yeah, my experience with my major depressive episode was that it was like being fed slowly through something like a wood-chipper, and as things got really scary, I had no idea what would be on the other side of tomorrow. A lot of my ego and identity got lost, and it was the luck of the draw what survived and what died. And your situation is worse than mine was, that is why I feel so humbled before you.

Now they have no time. I made a cordial attempt to say hello and my sister grunted with her back to me. I guess I'm in the wrong again.

Ugh, the holidays. I had the benefit ( ) of always being an introverted grouch, depression or no. Might be time to partially protect yourself by becoming a curmudgeonly grouch, and hanging out at the coffee-house for all hours. I am not supposed to say this, but even hours spent drinking at the bar would be better than exposing yourself to this (misguided? inadvertent?) negativity and passive hostility. Probably, if they knew better, they would do better. But, I know, that is no consolation.

I can't imagine living with this pain much longer. I feel like I'm am collapsing inward, sinking in on myself.

Bleh, the wood-chipper. Myself, my ego and identity got destroyed, and I gained freedom to take certain actions that previously I would never have considered because of loss of face. There is, perversely, freedom gained as the temperature rises the the bath water turns to boiling. It is too cruel to contemplate, though, because nobody knows what will survive on the other side of the process, if anything.

I have no fantasies that I said anything helpful, because I am so inadequate to properly honor your pain. You have my admiration. Please take care, we are cheering for you, even when you, yourself, cannot.