Not that horrible, just a nerdy reference

[Mr. Horrible]

Warning: This be long.

First, great podcast, Paul. I’ve known about it for a while, finally checked it out, and glad I did. And it’s great that you’re so involved with the message board.

Onto the gory details. There are only six people--three friends, a brother, a cousin, and an aunt--that I’ve opened up to like I’m about to for the entire interwebs.

I’m in my early thirties, and have been a quadriplegic for nearly eight years. That term has a lot of range, so to be more specific, I’m more like the Friday Night Lights kid, not Christopher Reeve. Functional arms, but my hands/fingers are more like functional meat hooks. So I can easily do simple stuff like eating and typing, but can no longer play guitar, an enormous loss among many.

So, I had to move back in with the folks just as I was reaching my mid-twenties and loving my independence (didn’t move out till junior year of college). I have an accounting degree I never used and never will. I am a hermit. But it’s not my wheelchair that keeps me tethered to the house, it’s my neuropathic pain (quads refer to quadriplegia as the gift that keeps on giving). The skin of my torso often feels like the first layer has been peeled off and I’m bathing in rubbing alcohol, and the only non-chemical remedy is to not wear a shirt and keep the thermostat in the 90 degree range; cooler air feels like the alcohol. Chemical remedies are a whole other story and aren’t that effective anyway.

The only hope I have for a career is writing novels; recently (finally) finished my first and am really struggling with the second. Big-time Second Book anxiety and I haven’t even found an agent for the first one. Could be five years till I’m published. Could be never. And unfortunately, I’m one of those writers who sees the whole writing process as drudgery. Paul F. Tompkins summed it up perfectly at the end of Tompkast 13. Crazy thing is, if I can just get started, an hour into it when I’m in the groove I do enjoy it. I know this intellectually, and I’m also fully aware of how much better I feel going to bed at night when I’ve grinded out a couple pages as opposed to the absolute shit of not having written, but there are still entire days that I never get past the impulse part of my brain that still thinks of writing as a terrible chore, there’s been times I go weeks or months without writing at all.

I did take some comfort seeing an interview with my favorite author, and he said it switched from chore to pleasure for him at about the 20 year mark. Only 13 more to go for me! This is really starting to stray into whining territory though because writing’s hard for everybody, and if you can’t do the work then tough luck. Louis CK told a story about whining to a friend years ago, and the guy told him he should just fucking quit then because the world has enough comedians, we don’t need one who doesn’t really want it.

Okay, so back to me, haha… I live in the Bible Belt, and most of my family are very very devout evangelicals. I was pretty much out of it by college, but I hadn’t officially written it off, in fact I think I actually thought of myself as backsliding, doing drugs recreationally for six years, including a few years with the hard ones. Everything except heroin, but not out of principle necessarily, just never came across it. Alcohol was my least favorite, and it’s the one that ended up getting me, drinking and driving like a dumbass. The worst part is I hit another car and killed the driver.

I tried to get back into religion then, but pretty quickly realized I simply don’t believe it. Kinda faked it for a while because it’s so important to my parents and they were suddenly my long-term providers and caregivers, and not easily--we’re lower middle class. I don’t fake it at all anymore, I’m fully agnostic, but the funny thing is it’s never been discussed. Avoiding conflict and not really communicating in general is a family tradition. They just think (hope) I subscribe to a more liberal form of Christianity. My mom really flipped out last year when she found out one of my brothers and I “believe” in evolution.

If I could drive myself, I would’ve sought therapy years ago (I can put on like four shirts and bear the pain for an hour or so, occasionally, I couldn’t do it weekly because worrying whether I’d be in pain that day would just be a constant stress). I was initially turned off by it because of two negative experiences in the first couple of years with state-employed shrinks (one psychologist, one social worker) who immediately wanted me to jump right to the medication route. I admit I’ve inherited some bias against anti-depressants (and also from observation of friends), but I’ve always been interested in talk therapy.

But it’s just not going to happen in the near future. My mother is my only option for transportation, and she’s already super high-strung about all the stuff on her plate (she’s also taking on more responsibility for my grandmother whose health is fading), and as I’ve indicated, she’s not even a little receptive to ideas opposing hers. In her opinion, Jesus is the only true answer to everything for everyone and anything else is futile. Hell, one of my other brothers told me about one time he and my mom, her brother and her mom, all of them Christians, they were discussing some Bible passage, and my mom disagreed with how they were interpreting it, and she got so flustered and upset that she had to leave the room.

Oh man, now I realize I made her sound like a terrible person, but she’s not, she’s an extremely caring person, just completely driven by fear. The thought of one of her kids spending eternity in hell truly terrifies her. My dad is less dogmatic, but that’s a whole different kind of weird relationship. He’s the most selfless person I’ve ever known, the ultimate Nice Guy, and we don’t talk about anything other than surface things like sports. Frankly, that’s about what it’s like with any Christian at this point. That’s another funny thing. I’d have to make a point to avoid Christian-based counseling since that’s what half of them are around here.

And yes, my mom would absolutely take me to therapy if I pushed for it, but I simply won’t do it. I know it’s crazy, and even crazier, well, I wasn’t going to go into this but why not, if my book sells, the first thing I’m doing is paying off their mortgage, and I have this fantasy that at that point I’ll have the balls to bring it up. Not that I would frame it as such, but it would feel like now I’m paying her to drive me.

I feel like a complete asshole all the time seeing how me crippling myself causes my family to alter their lives, whether it’s something simple like making sure I get my dinner, or something big like how they can’t ever take a proper vacation like they used to. I feel like a complete asshole now for barely even mentioning the fact I killed someone. In fact, I didn’t even include it in the above paragraph at first, but then I felt like a complete asshole for that. I feel like a complete asshole for not consciously processing the guilt every single day, it’s just burned (buried?) into my subconscious.

Wow, I knew this would be long, but I didn’t realize it would be that long. Anyway, this podcast is perfect for me since I do feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. Thanks, Paul, and thanks anybody who read this far. I know it’s not supposed to be a substitute for real treatment, but…

[cyanidebreathmint]

Thanks for writing it. I don't think you're an asshole. You're really no more an asshole than all of the millions of people who drink and drive, it just ended up biting you and someone else. It's fucked up whether a person gets hurt or not. (I've done it.)

You could do phone therapy or even web-based...I've heard it exists. I bet some therapists make house visits, but there's probably a privacy thing with you and your parents? dunno.

Welcome.

[next year]

Welcome. I'm glad that you could open up on this forum.

Is your book fiction or non fiction? What's it about?

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mr. Horrible, welcome to the forum! Are you familiar with the book "The War of Art"?

Louis CK told a story about whining to a friend years ago, and the guy told him he should just fucking quit then because the world has enough comedians, we don’t need one who doesn’t really want it.

This is awesome! I am definitively remembering this!

if my book sells, the first thing I’m doing is paying off their mortgage, and I have this fantasy that at that point I’ll have the balls to bring it up. Not that I would frame it as such, but it would feel like now I’m paying her to drive me.

In other words, you are postponing your best future, which means you are making your best future negotiable and subservient to external decisions. I barely know you, and I see your best future as worth more than that, and I see it as more important than you do. And, no matter what the judgement of your worth, you are not doing anyone any favors by indefinitely postponing your best future.

All the best, take care, we are all cheering for you to do the best for yourself.

[fantine-ish]

Howdy howdy... welcome to the board and thanks for sharing.

I agree with the above poster about your guilt. We're ALL assholes...it's human nature. Stupid assholes who make decisions that damage others, so you're really not worse than the rest of us. As we've heard on podcasts before: acknowledge the mistake, learn from it and move forward (leaving it in the past.) What we've done doesn't really define us (unless we're Steve Jobs or Einstein or the like.)

I also agree with the other poster that mentioned in-home counseling. I'm sure that's a possibility and counseling really is worth it...even if you think it's not or don't want to do it. It's one of those things that can make us better and is worth doing.

I'd love to talk with you more about writing...I'm a writer myself (but haven't gotten around to the "chore" of it much in the past few months.)

Stay strong and involved and moving forward...

[dare i say it]

Warning: This be long.

No problem. Sometimes, when you've got a lot on your mind the best thing is to just let it flow--no matter how long it takes. I feel that guilt sometimes too, but then I try to remind myself that I'm not holding anyone hostage. Anyone who reads my posts does so voluntarily.

This is really starting to stray into whining territory though

You don't really need my permission, but I give you permission to whine. You've been through a lot. The neuropathic pain alone is an ordeal. Anyone who has experience with nerve pain/neuralgia will sympathize. As far as I know, everyone in this forum has been through their own version of hell, and at some point that experience usually makes people sympathetic to others who are struggling.

I can relate to much of what you said about your family dynamics. My family is Christian, though not quite as devout as yours. My whole life there has been a long list of things that we just don't discuss in our family. Disagreement about matters of religion or anything even loosely tied to morality is almost unheard of. We also don't talk honestly with each other about how we're really feeling inside. I've heard this type of thing described as a "profoundly invalidating environment." One mental health expert I read about claimed this was quite common in her patients, especially those who were severely affected by their mental illness. I don't know what the answer to this problem is. I just thought I'd throw it out there to the interwebs and see what other people thought.

Dan

[Mr. Horrible]

Thanks to all for the for the warm welcome, and sorry for the late response. I do appreciate everyone who made it through my airing out.

Is your book fiction or non fiction? What's it about?

It’s fiction. It’s basically a crime novel that delves into personal relationships more than most crime novels.

I'd love to talk with you more about writing...I'm a writer myself (but haven't gotten around to the "chore" of it much in the past few months.)

I don’t see any kind of private messaging option here, but I’m always game for discussing writing. I like talking about it more than I like doing it apparently, lol.

Are you familiar with the book "The War of Art"?

I’ll look it up, thanks.

The neuropathic pain alone is an ordeal. Anyone who has experience with nerve pain/neuralgia will sympathize.

A frustrating thing is that people do sympathize, but apparently not fully. A few months ago, my mom mentioned about my grandma, who will not be able to live on her own much longer, that maybe she’ll have to move in downstairs with me (in a separate room), and I’m kind of dumbfounded because she knows my grandma can’t live at a near-constant 90 degrees (sleep at 75-80), which I point out, and she says, well you know, we’ve all had to make sacrifices, so I may have to, too. And I’m just like, but you don’t understand, lowering the temperature is simply not an option. I can barely even function in the morning until it warms up. Of course I’m feeling like a huge asshole, and for the rest of the day, as I’m essentially vetoing this option for my grandma.

My whole life there has been a long list of things that we just don't discuss in our family. Disagreement about matters of religion or anything even loosely tied to morality is almost unheard of. We also don't talk honestly with each other about how we're really feeling inside.

Have you seen the HBO series Six Feet Under? That’s just how the family in the show is, and the only other TV or movie family I’ve ever related to that much was in the movie Junebug, because of the religion in that one.

Earlier this week I started communicating with a guy who grew up in the same church as me and lives a few hours away now. He’s a total nihilist, also a writer, in a band, alcoholic, still hasn’t finished his English degree. As teenagers we never hung out outside church because he’s always been into the metal scene, and that’s not my bag at all. Anyway, it’s kinda funny that those of us who were/are misfits and ended up rejecting religion (there’s good size handful of us for it being a small-medium church), we all (except one) have big problems, substance issues, either can’t support ourselves or barely can, etc., and the ones who are still good Christians are completely stable, have careers, starting families, etc. The funny part being that we misfits are like further evidence for people in the church, and they surely don’t understand why in the world we don't see our disbelief as the source of our troubles.

Well, thanks again, everyone.

[manuel_moe_g]

the ones who are still good Christians are completely stable, have careers, starting families, etc. The funny part being that we misfits are like further evidence for people in the church, and they surely don’t understand why in the world we don't see our disbelief as the source of our troubles.

You are not being completely fair to yourself, Mr. Horrible. (TMBG song reference?

What you are describing is not a "random sample". Another equally valid way to describe the situation is to say that the church was so rigid that it could not provide support to exactly the people who need it most, which is a terrible failing of the church.

[dare i say it]

I don’t see any kind of private messaging option here, but I’m always game for discussing writing.

On the right-hand side of every post, under the person's username, there should be a small symbol with "PM" next to it. Unless new members aren't allowed to private message right away, that should work. Let me know if it doesn't.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Mr. H,
Welcome to the forum. Your post was not too long. It was actually very concise and beautiful. Hearing you talk about your pain, fear, guilt and self-hatred, reminds me of myself. Our situations may be different, but out feelings are very similar. I glad you like the podcast and hope you find the forum to be a place where you can continue to let out what is bubbling inside you.

And I TOTALLy related to the creative block stuff. I'm in one right now. I just want to watch t.v. or read. And I can't help but feel negative towards myself. I pull out of it every once in a while and it's nice. I wish that for you. To poke your head above the clouds and see there is some light. For all of us no matter out situation.

Paul