Crippling Performance Anxiety

[Karina]

I hate promoting myself, but I love attention, so I’ll just get the obvious traits out of the way: I am a mass of contradictions. I come from a New York Jewish family, although I was born and raised in the tiny Midwest. I grew up painfully shy and, while I was a punk rocker on the outside, I loved showtunes and R&B whenever no one was watching, always ashamed of it. I sang, but I never really had the voice I wanted. And, although I majored in serious acting and playwrighting throughout college and grad school in my mid-twenties, I had been singing and dancing for far longer, and just gravitated more toward writing and performing comedy overall. Hugely self-conscious my whole life; yet, when I had my first panic attack at a singing competition when I was 12, I maintained my musical theatre training despite being cripplingly nervous whenever I was asked to perform in public. This lasted for over a decade, yet I kept it a secret from my loved ones – sounds cliché, but there is a lot of proof. Photos, videos – you name it, most people I know have some document of me bombing on stage. This has not alleviated my severe anxiety. I have a much easier time articulating myself through writing, which is precisely why I spend so much time online (another change I resolve to enact soon), and why I’d never shared this information with anyone. At least, until I was in therapy.

I’ve always felt caught between two worlds: The extroverted, popular diva one I want to live in, and the weird, isolated writer one I’m stuck with; I’ve struggled with confidence, although my greatest love was always singing, my biggest talent was humor writing. My life changed when I turned twenty-seven and auditioned for a performing program. I got in – yet my panic only worsened. There, a music director suggested therapy as a positive step toward my goal. I’ve been in therapy for exactly a year and, even though it’s worked for me as far as reconciling the stage fright, I am nowhere near the confidence I want to achieve as a performer. At the same time, at almost 30 years old, I wonder if it’s too late for me to attempt what’s always been difficult for me to grasp – for example, I love improv the most out of all the art forms but have a hard time relaxing and paying attention. I always thought of myself as more of a writer than a performer, heck, everyone in my life does, and there are far too many days when I wish that this imbalance was tipped. Until recently, it was the only reason why I’d ever been suicidally depressed (in terms of thoughts, not actions): I wish I was a better actor than singer; I wish I was a better singer than writer, I’m not accepted by other, similar people in my peer group, ain’t gonna happen.

The “recent” drama? I haven’t told anyone outside of my therapist and my best friend. I’ve been attracted to men and women my whole life, with a deep, abiding personal feeling that it would be “wrong”: This is the biggest single separator between me now and who I wish I was. Thank goodness for the (relative) anonymity of message boards(?). Well, my username is that of my current T.V. crush: I’m a late bloomer sexually, having never really discovered if I am straight or gay. I was not comfortable having women friends as a result and creative, performer women? I was too jealous and competitive toward them to even work with them. Adding to this, I lost it recently watching a crap 90s movie OnDemand that dealt with the issue of bisexuality. Everyone – from my slightly homophobic parents to my lesbian best friend – knows me as being wildly outspoken about my boy-craziness. When I told my bestie, she had a feeling that I had secretly been bisexual or gay the whole time, though.

So, my fear of performing and acting for other people – especially with regard to singing – had almost nothing to do with how I feel about other people but, rather, how I feel a lot of deep-seated insecurity and guilt within myself. Though my family was well off financially, my father was an absentee and, adding to that, the two worst relationships I had with women were a bully (my sister) and a stage mom who always took the kid gloves off when any encouragement got disingenuous. I’ve antagonized girls: because being a musical performer who didn’t fit the ingénue or character actress mold made me bitter, jealous, and competitive; because now I’m in comedy, which is a much tougher field for women; and because I’ve secretly felt passionate about wanting to come off as a better person i.e. wanting to “chase” women who are uninterested in me. I have been actively trying to right the ship and know and love who I am. I'm so glad I stumbled on this podcast, as well as this virtual community of awesome people!

I signed up for a GLBTQ support group, my first (the only person I’ve told before I made this post is my lesbian best friend). I’m getting more into solo writing and performance as a way to ease into collaborating once again. Oh, and I have an amazing improv teacher who told me last week, “The sh*t-storm is never-ending.” I knew he was referring to life more than comedy. Words were never so true.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Karina!

I read your whole post, the tension between writer and performer reminded me of the Alison Rosen podcast.

I have no no ability to give useful advice, the best I can do is ramble on about my autobiography. Feel free to disregard.

In college I felt so conflicted, my internal dialog way silly and jokey, but my external demeanor was grim and serious and depressed. Ultimately, I got so furious that worrying about people judging me still gave me absolutely *NO* respite from anxiety, that I just cracked, and gave up trying to modulate my outside appearance at all. I can't say I recommend this.

I was also a late bloomer when it came to dating and relationships. It improved when I admitted to myself how important it *really* was to me to have a wonderful relationship, and the consequence was that I knew I *had* to give myself permission to fail, and fail badly, as I tried to date.

I signed up for a GLBTQ support group, my first

This is an awesomely loving thing to do for yourself!

I was too jealous and competitive toward them to even work with them.

Stop judging other people, and, more importantly, stop judging yourself. You deserve to be your own best champion. Before saying one negative thing about yourself, force yourself to say 20 nice things about yourself. If you can't say 20 different nice things, they you haven't earned the right to say one negative thing about yourself. After you have extinguished the habit of beating yourself up, use what you have learned for everyone else in the world. But, remember, you first!

All the best, good luck, we are cheering for you!

[fantine-ish]

Welcome to the board, Karina! You're definitely one who shares through words.... I'm more comfortable that way myself. Also a theatre major I've been outgoing for a while but inside I'm a hardcore introvert. I can identify with your struggle of being caught between two worlds. There are so many things that I WANT To be that I can never really figure out who I AM...so kudos to you for narrowing it down!

Hang in there, stay strong, and take care of yourself...

[Karina]

Thanks, Fantine-ish! Amazing name, by the way - Les Miz is one of my favorite musicals.

I can't thank you enough for your kind words and advice. We seem to agree on a lot of points (or at least be at a similar stage in "self work" anyway?). I loooooved the Alison Rosen podcast myself, as well as the Erin Whitehead one. A lot of stuff in Alison's fear off definitely struck a chord. What Erin said about "putting her life on hold" (paraphrasing here) before she went full-on in her artistic pursuits certainly applies to me - although I think I've been "on hold" for a much longer time, so to speak! I am halfway through the Open Mike Eagle episode. Great stuff. I have aspirations to freestyle rap, as well, and did it for some friends the other day. Baby steps, man. Also, Paul rocks!!

Your advice about saying 20 good things about myself is so great. There was a point in my life where I couldn't even start a gratitude journal because I could say exactly one good thing about myself: "That I am, well, 'Karina.'" But I think I should start being more open to getting less distracted by crap and letting go. That sounds weirder than it is, but, I hope you know what I mean

[dare i say it]

Stop judging other people, and, more importantly, stop judging yourself.

I've always known it's bad to be judgmental. I'm usually pretty good about not judging other people, but I am absolutely horrible when it comes to judging myself. Part of my "self-work" recently has been to try to adopt a non-judgmental attitude toward myself. This is soooo fricking hard! It's like I can't think of anything to say about myself that doesn't contain judgment. I need to explore the limits of this a little...and practice, practice, practice.

[Karina]

Dare I Say It - yeah, that's going to be a new goal for me, too. Like judging myself and others has been this kind of Pavlovian conditioned reaction that is reversible, but requires far more work that I may be willing to put into toward reaching my own goals. It *is* freakin' hard!

[dare i say it]

Karina, thanks for backing me up and letting me know that it's hard for you too. I appreciate that. For what it's worth, I've noticed that having some type of support while I take on this huge challenge is pretty key. I can't tell you what's going to work best for you--maybe you've already got all of your support in place--but for me it's stuff like:

1) a small circle of family & friends that at least have a vague idea of what I'm working on
2) writing in this forum, and
3) regular visits to a therapist

Best of luck,
Dan

[Karina]

I did tell a few friends and mentors this past week (via e-mail, anyway). I was very selective and, luckily, one of the friends I chose has been an out bisexual for about 10 years. What happened was that my Musical Theatre group organized a trip to a local gay bar, and I sent a few of them the message with the disclaimer that they didn't have to read this. It's weird to be in this spot...so many of my favorite writers/performers in this town are GLBT, but all came out at incredibly early ages and were completely assured in their identities. The best thing, for me, is to quote a line from that crap movie I watched: "I don't know what the f**k I am, Jake." So, I will most likely be going to a gay bar this weekend after improv class with people who know that I may be flirting with women.

[manuel_moe_g]

So, I will most likely be going to a gay bar this weekend after improv class with people who know that I may be flirting with women.

This is great! A low-pressure/high-fun way to enjoy performance and socializing/dating! All the best, cheers!

[dare i say it]

...so many of my favorite writers/performers in this town are GLBT, but all came out at incredibly early ages and were completely assured in their identities.

From what I've seen, coming out is a deeply personal process and people need to do it on their own terms, at their own pace. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and some good friends around you. Good luck to you. I'm straight, but I've always been jealous of people who were more self-assured than me in general. I know it's not good to be jealous, and I know there are ways to develop more self-assuredness, but for now it's actually confusing for me to be around people who don't care very much what other people think of them.