new relationship

[dystopika]

i'm divorced. i've had a few short-term relationships in the wake of that divorce. past few years, i've kept my guard up in relationships. dated sporadically.

just started a new relationship. started off a little complicated, most of it happening in the past month, but things seem to have just settled down. last night was our first night officially dating. first woman in years that i've felt such a strong connection to. it's hard to let my guard down. there's a part of me that feels if she knew how mental i can be, she'd run away.

exhausted. haven't slept. i should be thrilled right now. she's incredible. the thought that creeps into my head, however, is: how badly is this going to end? how am i going to end up blowing this one? have i already blown it somehow?

some therapist i saw a few years ago suggested that people tend to date the same person over and over again. i'm afraid of that, too.

i want to be okay right now. i deserve a little peace of mind. we had such a great time last night (i think), i shouldn't be feeling so bleak right now. i hate beating myself up. i have the strength to stop doing that.

[manuel_moe_g]

i deserve a little peace of mind. we had such a great time last night (i think), i shouldn't be feeling so bleak right now.

It is not a coincidence, you are reacting this way because your reaction to possessing hope is to dwell on the possiblity of loss of that hope, in a way that may be self-destructive.

Practice is the path between where you are today, and the better place you will be tomorrow.

Part of giving yourself permission to hope is giving yourself permission to fail. The depressed mind very quickly realizes that it can solve the problem of failing by eliminating the possibility of hope. So giving yourself permission to fail badly is actually a loving thing and a hopefully thing. (This is a recent thing for me to realize, seeing that denying myself permission to fail means that I am also denying myself permission to succeed.)

Cheers, please take care, all the best.

[dare i say it]

Congratulations on finding a woman you can connect to. I'm excited for you.

it's hard to let my guard down. there's a part of me that feels if she knew how mental i can be, she'd run away.

Damn, you sound like me. If you've only been on one date, then it's probably too soon to tell her all the gory details anyway. But in the future, you might consider this: what if she were the one who was "mental"? Would you run away from her? I would hope that you would expect her to take serious problems seriously. Given that, I bet you would see her as a whole person and more than just a checklist of "issues." Am I right? Let me know if I missed the point.

[dystopika]

Damn, you sound like me. If you've only been on one date, then it's probably too soon to tell her all the gory details anyway. But in the future, you might consider this: what if she were the one who was "mental"? Would you run away from her? I would hope that you would expect her to take serious problems seriously. Given that, I bet you would see her as a whole person and more than just a checklist of "issues." Am I right? Let me know if I missed the point.

First, I wrote my initial post on no sleep. After a little sleep, I felt a little less anxiety about the whole affair.

We've been on a number of dates at this point. It all escalated pretty quickly. It's not that I feel compelled to tell her about all of my mental problems over the years. But just spending an extended period of time with me, she's getting to see things that I've kept from a lot of people. I can be a bit of a control freak and when you're sleeping in the same bed with someone, there's only so much you can hide. It's just this process of letting my guard down with this woman. Having some faith that she isn't going to see my flaws and run for the hills.

Friday night, I took her to dinner to meet some friends of mine. It was really sweet. She ended up staying at my place and leaving this morning (Sunday). That's the longest time I've spent with a woman in forever. It's gotta say something that she stayed over Friday night, was going to leave Saturday but ended up staying with me all day and overnight. She's seen some of the flaws, some of the imperfections, and she still likes me (enough). (For now.)

Trying to stay in the moment. It's sweet right now but it's usually sweet in the beginning and I know how painfully these things can end. I can imagine ways this specific relationship could end badly -- and I'm trying not to. I'm trying to take it day by day. As she is. In the meantime, I am trying not to lose myself.

[dare i say it]

Thanks for the clarification. Good luck, man. You sound like a really nice guy. I hope it works out for you.

[dystopika]

Aaand... it's over! It ended last night. I feel supremely cursed. You know how long it's been since I cared about someone?

I wish I felt suicidal right now. I feel like I'm already dead.

I hate everything. I never want to be seen again.

[dystopika]

okay, i'm feeling suicidal now.

i'm not a jumper. i could jump off the roof of my apartment building but that would be too splashy. i don't want to be splattered all over the sidewalk. i don't want to be a story on NY1.

bleeding out would be sweet. but messy.

hanging. that's what keeps coming to mind. it's my standby method. take the belt and die quietly in the privacy of my bedroom.

i have a lot to live for and none of it matters in this moment. all that matters is the pain i am in and the desire to end it.

[dare i say it]

Here are your options. Please use as many of them as it takes to survive the pain of this moment.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255.
Call 9-1-1.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Or anything else you can think of that will help you survive this moment.

[dystopika]

i think about suicide a LOT. it's amplified when i'm going through an extremely hard time. i close my eyes and picture it. fantasize about it. but i don't really act on it. when i'm really shattered, like now, i will reach out to friends. friends who have been with me for years. sometimes i will open up to newer people. if i am really scared, i will ask friends to watch after me.

i've never had a real suicide attempt. most of the time, it is just this fantasy of escape. whenever it gets to the point where i am seriously contemplating it, i tend to think about the consequences and back away from it.

but yes, i think about it lot when i'm going through a bleak period. i have done this for years. i should be in therapy right now but i can't afford it. i do everything i can to keep myself in check. talking to friends, reading about ways to deal with my problems, writing about it. since "thinking about suicide" is something that i've done for so many years, it's sometimes hard to gauge how serious it is.

i was contemplating calling the suicide hotline yesterday and i thought, "maybe it's not that severe yet." i thought about the effort it would take for me to get out the exposition of my situation to a complete stranger and it seemed exhausting.

i'm tired. it's day two after the worst breakup i've experienced in many years. this opened some old wounds and revived some deep abandonment issues. i have been through this process before and i am trying to go through it better.

[manuel_moe_g]

i have been through this process before and i am trying to go through it better.

Please don't demoralize yourself over not being stoic enough. Please feel free to grieve, because you have suffered a loss. Later you will have time to learn to be stoic.

i thought about the effort it would take for me to get out the exposition of my situation to a complete stranger and it seemed exhausting.

You don't owe people all the details. You can just truthfully say about your hope was before, and what your hope is now, and how that makes you feel. Your depressed state is probably making you shrink away from help you deserve.

Please take care.