Now they know whats wrong, have a med, now what

[lornrick]

All of us on here are in a way in the same boat, funnything is I still feel guilty posting about me'espically when others seem to have more serious needs. I will try not to repeat stuff from my past post, but sorry this will probably be long. Friday I went with my 3 paged typed self diagnoses to the psychiatrist that started me on clonazepan. We talked, he didn't have time to read my report, but the front page had test results from the DSM IV which he told me to use and some wrap ups. In the end what he researched on me, and what I wrote will be just about the same. I was born with aspergers, not that it was known in the 70's, I started getting dystimia shortly after kindergarden, this started an avoidant disorder that would develop by my teen years as schzoid disorder. Even as young as 3rd grade i was developing coping mechanisms and defenses, which though helped also grew parania in the form of of hyper vigilance, OCPD sever generlised Anxiety, major depression and some traits of Bipolar mixed mood disorder. In short someone people look at at just for some reason hate, guess thats were I came up with the idea of the human punching bag therory that i've been writing about for awhile now. It really adds up tp a person who fears people for what they well do, and major self hatred issues. I also rate as an INTJ for those who know what that means, top 3 percent of all tested for comprehension, of all styles, hyperlexic anda strong mind, supposivily real smart too, but I dought the iq score. I am anaylitical to the extrem and in every therapist words COMPLICATED. To be honest, I didn't learn to much more than I had thought sense I was 12 maybe just some new terms to put it in. The med yes is helping with the anxiety I was way wrong about that, and beg anyone who has doughts of meds,i fought this for 20 years, not wanting them, and I was wrong'dead wrong. Just find docs who are open about saying its for last resort, not first resort. My med well be increased over time, since there is a resistance and in the end the doc believes I well be up to 3mg 3 times a day. I wanted this to be nothing but good stuff, but...seeing all of it on paper, and having lost my dad, my wife leaving me, no friends, little human contact and problems being in crowds even at placed I want to be, ren fest, civil war conventions, movies and fairs, the one question that comes up now is, it may be to late for help, all that I have points to someone who no one will want to be with, and that even though when I was married all I wanted was to do everything for my wife, and give everything, I had to be alone at times because I felt a real pressure that hurt. I actully feel more of a monster than ever. I'm going to lose insurance sio my time for help is short, and I make to much for help, and too little to afford it. I have almost died 3 times in the past year 2 by fate, once by myself.I went to see a movie yesterday, by myself, and even though I had just took my med had the worse anxiety attck ever yet, my body contorting, tears flowing heavy, it was so embarassing, I couldn't get up to leave, at least i cry quietly. I don't know if I will ever be able to make another friend, I think a relationship is totaly out, so I will never know affection again. My assignment for next session was to come up with what positives my disorders give me. And though I could answer right away, which I hate so much, now my question in my mind is well I make it. I handled all of this mess for 41 years, no meds no help except a session or 2 to nudge me, and now it really feels like i've lost all of what kept me going, Paul talks about how its ok to be scared, well im teriffied, the anxiety is lesson, but now the truth seems lonler and scareier, I feel like such a horrible person, I tried to help people, but it never changed how people saw me, and now the test say its the truth. Funny I was also told to be alot less hard on my self, look at all I have done without help, but now it feels to late, my energy is so low, mental that is, i still have to work everyday, 70 hour weeks, worry about my daughter, while loseing insurance a car that is dying, and an hour every other week to talk to someone for help. God I suck at this, but heres my question, to anyone, or no one I undeerstand you are all suffering too and needor want help, what do you do when you know whats wrong, and it means you don't fit in with the world, and your time is short? If youve been hurt every time you try, for 30 years how do you try again?

[next year]

When I first was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder, I really struggled with the "why now?" thing. I had been cruising through crisis after crisis for years on my own pretty well. Drinking more than I do now, but functioning pretty well. My therapist had a good point that helped me let go of the "why now" - she said that sometimes what worked in the past just stops working. I really had a hard time with accepting the fact that I needed meds to feel "normal" - or at least what's "normal" for me.

I think you are on the right track and need to give the meds and therapy their best shot. You'll get there.

[princessa_grizelda]

I feel so bad for you, sweetie. Please don't think you'll never have a friend. Even if it's only people you reach out to online or in support groups. Really great friends are rare... most of us have a good friend or 2 but a lot of less meaningful friends.
You sound like you feel so alone and in pain. I am so sorry you are going to lose insurance. Is there a low-cost or free clinic nearby? I also don't have insurance, and I know how scary it is when you already are anxious and need extra care. Look into what resources you can- Volunteers in Medicine might be a good place to start.
Please don't think you are alone. You are in pain and have a lot of things to face, but how many people's marriages haven't worked out? How many people are in tough economic straights right now? There are enough people with mental problems to fill up a few states. I'm not saying you don't have a right to grieve or be depressed about it, but don't give yourself additional pain by thinking everyone else is "getting it right."
I can tell you first hand that we're not.
Are there any things you like, positive things you can do for yourself that will make you happy?

[lornrick]

Thank you, both of you for repling, suppose it's a bad sign when I'm writing this at almost 3am and woke up even with the higher dose, but he says I will be going up slowly, and 1mg is far from 3. next year you really have been kind and I am sorry about the fact that it seems many are struggling in your life, I really wish that changes soon. I am not giving up on the med, in fact still in shocked it has any effect, I guess the one good thing is the fact I can say all the events that happened recently are to blamn for the failure of my copping, 3am not a good time for spelling.
Princessa_grzelda I need to start with a kudos for your avatar, 2 of my biggest idols are still Jim Hensen, oscar and gonzo especially, and dr suess.I have found ways to get help with my diabeties, and my meds I can get through Target with out insurance, my therapist said he wont drop me for a while atleast even when I do lose it, which made me feel horrible, the psych med is really cheap, but that doc isn't and not sure what is going to happen there, which is the bigger worry since they both think this will be a life long med. Your absolutly right about the relations ships failing, and people worse off, there isn't a second my mind doesn't rehash facts like that, to the point of screaming at me for even getting help with what others don;t have or go through, one of the points the docs make, need to be less hard on myself. I have tried to make friends for 10 years now, in person or on line, and failed misserbly, how bad? as a test I did a craigslist ad, just to test the water,I got 15 hookers, didnt realise the online hooker thing was that far, 2 scams, and 2 that never wrote back. While I was married my wife wanted to swing, yeah lets cut more deeply, Im a guy, and yes see wanted to try the bi thing, but it also never felt right and hurt alot, but I know I didnt give her a good social life either, because of working 70 hours, and my messed up psychy, we did it also to find people to hang out and do normal stuff with, in 3 years of that, all wanted to meet with my wife, but not with me there. I have had no luck at friends at work either, not even casual ones. The last time I went somewere with anyone who wasn't family, or even a phone call was about 10 years ago. The closest I get was an old classmate from elementry school, who got in touch after 30 years as she was divorsing her partner to say how she had a crush on me all those years, and was moving to marry another guy, she text every now and then. But I have not had a real friend even a casual one in too many years, but my god a depressed, stressed, schzoid, asperges person with problems in croweds who doesnt even drink, who can blamn them. I like playing games, I use to love movies, I have over 600, history, writing, just talking i guess from these insanly long post, but I only have 2 hours a week day i'm not working or sleeping, and more hours on weekends that im off. I really am polite, I stay clean, good hygean, but something makes people look at me and want to leave. I can't even look at the mirror long. One of my issues is there have been no feelings of joy, happyness or excitment, that has all been suppressed for a while now, I can act them when I have the energy, but I have to think about a smile to do one lately. I work around people all the time, 12 hours a day, and am alone in the crowd. And now for the second time going to see a movie, something I do as enjoyment, relaxation, just something, I just cry. I realised i'm 41 and have never really dated, wouldn't know how, or even what to do if it happened, not one date in high school, never a prom. And half asleep I have typed way to long again damnit and ended uin tears, real macho guy here. So if there is a point to this insane rant, is yes I feel desperatly alone, espically physicaly, and now question if with my disorders that that is best for everyone else that I stay that way. So paul here is another fear, writing way too much at 3 in the moring to people who deserve much better responses

[lornrick]

Sad that all I can do is bleed my heart on here, so I guess one last update. Saw my therapist today, filling him in on what the psychiatrist decided as far as my disorders. On the positive he was in total agreement, and was really happy with his plans for the med and coopping skill method. I had to increase my afternoon dose by a half pill allready, my mind is fighting a bit, what I was worried about, but also why the shrinkk wanted a slower increase in hopes that it would be accepted better, so there is still hope for that. I wish I could say the rest was good, but even though my obsessive thoughts are down, and I do feel it when the med is working and my stress drops, even my blood pressure is calming down to stable numberss, but i'm actully feeling less hopefull for my future, way less. The one thing I asked today was about how someone with aspergers, schizoid, paranoid, ocpd, depression and anxiety, all making me and the rest of humanity at odds, what are the real exspectation of friends and relationships. I have neither right now. He was honest, and it was I guess what I new allready. What is most realistic would be to devlope skills to at least alow me to somewhat be comfortable around people, but with the damage my marriage and betrayal of trust, and what has been done to me for 35 years, it is not really a good chance that I can over come all I have, even with my strengths. I can work, yes, technicly survive on my own, but to have a friend, or affection, not much chance. The hardest part is how hard it is around my 10 year old daughter, cant even tell her all the truth, how this will never be about her, she wont have it, thank god. Her dad is just not someone people want to be around or like I guess. I may get my anxiety down, it may help my depression, then again i may lose it all when my insurance is taken from me. I honestly feel im way into the end game.Paul always ends his show with the phrase that tears me up everytime, "your not alone" and yet thats what ive been told I will be. So many of you have suffred so much, and my heart crys for you all, I use to believe my suffering was so others wouldn't have too, that I could take someonesn pain and let them feel better, without them knowing why. If that sounds insane, I needed some reason for all the pain and hurt people did to me, something that gave it meaning as i screamed inside and prayed for death to stop it all.I don't know what i'm going to do, or be able to do, so all I can hope is I am the human punching bag I always thought I was, and somehow every one heres troubles can lessoned by my insane belief. I am sorry I didn't do more for you all, and for my stupid long post. May you find hope and get what you need, and Paul never ever ever ever forget what you have made here, and all those you touch, none of us will ever be able to repay you. Sincerly Brice

[next year]

I think that you can have relationships - you had a wife and you have a daughter. Even if we're all out in cyberspace we do care about you. I know that Asperger's can make relationships difficult - is there a support group out there for that?

Also, check out nami.org if you haven't already. Another online community I find really helpful is ivillage.com. It's mostly women but there are some men that post on there.

I think that it sounds like you are making somme progress. Hang in there!