I think my grandfather and my dad both had undiagnosed depression. I don't think my only sibling has it but I definitely struggle with it. My grandfather medicated with booze. My dad medicated with workaholism, the virtuous addiction in America. He was emotionally unavailable most of the time. I medicate with sugar, books, movies, thinking in endless circles, self-pity and hiding out. It beats heroin but still doesn't work too well. Both my parents are/were perfectionists and I'm recovering from it. I'm the only person in my family who's not in denial about our generational baggage. Before therapy, I believed them when they said I was wrong, mistaken, confused, and that whatever problems there were in the family were mine. I didn't trust my perception of anything and second guessed every thought I had. Now I'm realizing in a lot of ways, I'm braver and stronger than they are because my pain has forced me to face things in myself and in our family that they may never be able to face or deal with. That said, I love them dearly and I could have much worse things to deal with. I never wanted kids, which is good since I don't have any, but I love my niece and nephew with a passion and we have always been tight. I love being an aunt and encouraging them to trust their own inner wisdom. They're great kids and great teachers for me.
My therapist says I have a lot of stuffed anger, like my dad did, and holding it in drains my energy and leads to depression. I think she's right. I learned to hold it in as a kid because no one was allowed to be angry in our house except my dad. He's been dead for 8 years and I'm still trying to understand and heal.
Intimacy scares the bejesus out of me but so does the thought of growing old alone. I am experimenting with vulnerability.
Thanks for reading, for being out there and for being you. I feel like I'm among my tribe here. I'm going to post a couple of things in the "what helps you" thread.
