Since I suggested it, I'd better use it, right?

[Beany Boo]

That wasn't really a pointer on reflection. More a 'look how I'm getting better' show. I'm keenly aware of not being a therapist. I also have to navigate, that making things alright for people is a) part of how I avoid them and so b) a part of my pathology.

There's some stuff online that frames avoidance as a relationship style, which is handy if you're a psychology student getting ready to resolve the condition in sufferers of the future. Or a game development executive working out how to feed the behavior in order to sell more games.

All I can really offer is;

1. The avoidance is relieving (because of being merged with someone early on, and so, now, merging, painfully, with everyone who comes along)
2. Making yourself get close to people is not the goal
3. Learning how to get close to and move away from; how to negotiate that without getting stuck is more the goal
4. Whatever is fueling the avoidance is happening intensively while you're by yourself; by the time you come into contact with someone, it's mostly already happened

[Stina]

Nothing new to report on the weekend reading. I mostly AVOIDED the topic. Shocking. My sleeping habits have been all effed up as my anxiety has kicked into high gear, so I've been more focused on trying to get that back on track. I have a couple of AvPD books in my Amazon cart and I'm probably going to talk with my therapist this weekend about where to go from here. I see her for talk therapy, but she also does CBT.

[Beany Boo]

Another pointer;

What I'm avoiding is any whiff of a feeling like I might be in a family. That's not quite specific enough. I'm avoiding any thing that feels like when I was in my family (of origin); because that feeling is... creepiness, smothering, aimlessness, intensity, shaming, life-and-death-y; you get the picture.

It's hard to find someone who isn't also avoiding that.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Happy families creep me right out.

[Beany Boo]

After my last relationship (a decade ago) I'm more afraid of their family, than of anything a romantic interest might do.

[Stina]

After my last relationship (a decade ago) I'm more afraid of their family, than of anything a romantic interest might do.

I'm sure my ex would say the same thing. He saw the insanity in my family and skedaddled.

[Beany Boo]

The fear of discovery; them of me; seeing my own family's dysfunction versus her's; and being the conduit between them. That's too real.

Having gone through it, I want to believe I have the experience to resolve it now, if I were to meet someone; and was revealed as super-needy. It's so easy to stay in certain isolation. It just feels like I would repeat the trauma given the opportunity.

They say go slow. I say show me how.

I'm think I'm afraid to do anything to care for myself because there's a risk it might make me interesting to someone. The thought of someone's curious eyes on me, is intolerable.

Ugh, I hate myself.

I do work very hard to appear as though being separate from others is natural to me. I think I just want someone to reward me somehow for not glomming onto them one time.

[Stina]

I can relate to everything you just wrote. It's like you're in my head - get out!!

Do something to care for yourself to get _you_ interested in _you_! First things first, Beany Boo.

I've been reading about self-compassion today. It's a newer alternative to self-esteem. I like it.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/ ... ompassion/

[Beany Boo]

Apologies for getting in your head. You're right I should mind my own business. In fact that's great advice. Thanks!

That's my next pointer:

In an overcompensating effort to be attentive, as an avoidant I get in others' business. But really I'm just nearby trying to read someone for cues, whose not really aware of me. Hyper-vigilant. If I keep learning how to mind my own business and approach when the opening crops up... well.

[Stina]

haha I do that too. I'll butt into a conversation because I have something to contribute, and then think, "Whoops, nevermind, why did I do that?"