Hi

[manuel_moe_g]

There was a nice exercise in a book I was working with where the reader was encouraged to try to define what it means to be a "worthless" or "inferior" person. The logic seems to hold up for any global label that I might try to apply to myself or someone else.

First, I have to admit, shamefully, that I am very quick to judge people. I have very little patience to just "deal" and hang around people who rub me the wrong way. My father was an abusive violent manic-depressive alcoholic, so I am "comfortable" escalating situations by my being horribly nasty until the person who rubs me the wrong way just has to flee to get away from me. Afterward, I feel so justified that I am mainly upset I didn't treat them worse. My wife tells me I am an idiot for acting like this, but at that moment the gap between stimulus and my bad response seems so tiny, my actions are automatic. Bleh, it is shameful to admit this is still part of my life, and that I feel so justified afterward acting so nasty.

But, intellectually, I know that people are not perfectly identified by select behaviors. And, intellectually, I know if I am quick to judge people then I am quick to judge myself. I have to work out this part of my life more. It is just that I wish I could just short-circuit myself to I can get immediately to the place where I do the right thing, and I hate myself for taking so darn long to change.

But it feels so futile, because it comes on like an automatic reaction.

I am able to treat people with more compassion, mostly. My negative reaction doesn't cloud everything. There is some improvement.

I would highly recommend it. (Ten Days to Self-Esteem, Burns)

Thanks, Dan, for the recommendation!

[dare i say it]

Bleh, it is shameful to admit this is still part of my life, and that I feel so justified afterward acting so nasty.

I know that feeling. However, I think that you're doing as much as anyone could reasonably be expected to do. You've identified a problem and devoted time and energy to working on it.