Generalised Anxiety Disorder

[SpicyRamen]

I too have GAD. And it is very much like white noise, always in the background and waiting to turn into a full-blown panic attack. My usual themes are fear of disappointing people, fear of future panic attacks, fear of worsening depression, and a plethora of other things, many what-ifs. It's like my brain is on over-drive inventing nonsense for me to worry and ruminate about. Sometimes I'll spend all day with bad anxiety then it will all of the sudden drop off and disappear a few hours before I go to bed. As if my mind has exhausted itself and now sees fit to give me a bit of time off. I'm really grateful for these temporary respites.

[shanarchy]

That's my diagnosis.

[Nevina]

Me too me too. I treasure the rare moment when I am fully engaged in the present moment, with no nagging voices in my brain. I can probably count those moments on my fingers. Once at a concert. Once while watching a movie. Once in a coffee shop.

[Kittieface]

I haven't figured out if my anxiety causes my sleep issues or if my sleep issues cause my anxiety. I did, however, figure out that somewhere between the two going back and forth is what causes my bouts of depression. And not the other way around. I had always been referred to as depressed. My whole life teachers complained to my mom about how I had trouble focusing, my head was always in the clouds, I had trouble sitting still, etc, etc. I've been terrified of sleeping my whole life. I'm starting to put that together too. I suffer from Sleep paralysis and hallucinations. I think it's linked to some of my trauma as a child. A lot of my panic attacks when I was younger were from being scared of not waking up in the morning. The concept of laying in bed until I fell asleep was terrifying. I stayed awake until I passed out, and that was the only way I ever got to sleep. As a kid I used to wake up hearing voices threatening me in my room. And just recently in an episode of sleep paralysis I woke up to a woman sitting on me and she looked at me a few inches from my face and told me "Once you die you're just dead." I spent that whole week trying to stay awake. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street. I spent all of my waking moments super jumpy and scared that I would die in my sleep, yet again. If I did sleep it was with the lights open.

I'm not on any meds for it though.. I'm I've decided to rock climb up a water fall for this one. At 16 my doctor quickly diagnosed me as depressed and medicated me. I got off them shortly after. Again last year at the end of my rope I discussed with my husband whether or not I should take meds again and decided to do it for a few months and see how I felt. My issue is that on meds I'm not SAD anymore, but I'm not happy either. I'm neutral, don't care about much, can't follow a conversation, can't work on my art. I just put on weight and my sex drive goes right the fuck out the window. So there I am feeling fat, unsexy and indifferent. So I opted to work through it medication free again.

I've been to therapists and psychologists for the last 10 years. Seen different doctors, and spoke to many people and no one ever knew to point out that my anxiety was a root of anything. And I didn't even know that was possible. I just assumed I was depressed. And I didn't see anxiety as a separate issue. It was one in the same for me. I have sleep issues and nervous ticks (like biting my bottom lip till it bleeds and shaking my legs uncontrollably when I'm sitting still.) And not once did anyone ever think to say, "You realize you have an underlying anxiety issue, right?". Then one day I was walking home and I believe it was Marc Maron who said his depression was caused by his anxiety. And whomp! Like a boot in the face - Everything I'd ever thought I was struggling with shifted drastically. It was a weird moment where I called my husband and said, "HOLY SHIT BABE.. I'M NOT DEPRESSED.. I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER!!" Like it was the best news I've had in years lol.

When I get anxious everything just closes in on me. My vision is blurred, my hearing is off... My favorite way to give people a visual is to explain that it's like in the movie How to Train Your Dragon. You know how they make loud noises and the dragons get all disoriented and lose their focus. That's my best way to explain it.

I had a good run in with it this weekend... I think if my options for meds are out the window I'm going to need to parent myself a bit more. I officially as of last night swore off coffee, alcohol and sugar for a month. Set up a count down on my phone. If once I get the the end of the month I feel like I can allow myself maybe a drink or a coffee occasionally I will. Maybe one a week, or one or the other once a week to start... But I'm not going to be stubborn about this. My health absolutely comes first, over any vice or luxury..