Involuntary Celibacy

[My poor friend me]

I have a strange kind of empathy for involuntary celibates. I'm not one, but I think I very easily could have been if things had worked out a little different for me.

Basically, I was 100 percent convinced that no girl could ever possibly be sexually interested in me -- until one was. And it happened when my brain was still young and plastic enough to change its perception of itself relatively easily. I'm no Casanova and never have been, but I've done okay for myself ever since.

Anyway, I don't know what it's like to actually be an almost-40-year-old virgin, but there was a time when I thought I would inevitably become one. And that gives me a weird kind of sympathetic connection with those who never got my lucky break. I wish I had some practical advice for you. I don't. But there is a deep-down part of me that understands you.

[oak]

Agreed with the others' kind advice.

In my experience, a guy who wants to do better with women eventually will have to simply go talk to women.

I especially love the advice about trying to get rejected! I did that myself, and to my great surprise, it was hard to get "rejected".

Most people are very kind, and like talking to friendly, interesting people.

[Melancholia Frump]

well Mort, you've got something in common with me. You are definitely not alone. I am now 45 and I have never had a sexual relationship. I have a normal amount of desire, it just has never happened for me. I was molested by my oldest brother for about 7 years, but I don't think that's why I am the way I am. I am scared of having sex. It seems to me that it would be the equivalent of having someone ram a knife into your torso, yanking it out, and then jamming it in over and over again. I also have never really dated, I stopped dating in my late 20's. I think I pretty much gave up. I've probably had about 3 or 4 boyfriends in my life. I never felt much for any of them. Basically I dated them because they were there. At some point they would imply that we'd be having sex soon, and since I didn't go along with it, two of them pretended (I think) to sleep with someone else and then made sure I knew about it. Since I didn't really care about these people, it wasn't as devastating as they were hoping it would be.
So the combination of fear and not wanting to sleep with just anyone has left me never having "done it" at all. It also has become preposterous at my age to still be dealing with this. It's still kinda normal to be this way up to your 30's, but past that you might as well be a nun or numb below the waist.
So, finally someone on here knows what you're dealing with.

[bigeekgirl]

I'm sure my post will sound a bit like Cheldoll, except I'm the fat girl from this season's Louie who explains to Louie how she can get laid if she wants - no problem - but she wants someone to be happy to walk down the street holding her hand. The clip is on Youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFdWcNJ1 ... ture=share

While I know it's of limited comfort when you've never had sex, I bring this up to say sex is only a small part of the equation to make a person feel wanted and to share intimacy with another human being. Casual sex can be fun but it's no cure for loneliness. I was the girl who slept around and married the first guy who wanted more than my body. I really believed at 19 when I meet my ex-husband that I couldn't do better. Huge mistake.

I do agree with everyone who said it's important to meet and talk to people. Don't fall into that "nice guy" trap where you see woman as a means to an end rather than people. Being a real person to the women you meet will get you much farther. It's a combination of plan old batting average and practice makes perfect. Seven billion people on the planet, there's bound to be more than a few who'll want to get with any given person. The more you build your own life and interests, the more attractive you will seem, not to mention the fact it will keep you happy. Happy is so attractive.

[EmeraldArcher]

Hey Mort24,
My relationship situation is a lot like yours but also somewhat different. I'm 32 and I've only had two relationships that I consider serious. I'm a Muslim and I am waiting until I get married to have sex, but I really thought I would be married by now. I thought for a long time that I wanted an arranged marriage, but now I don't think I want that anymore.

I can talk to girls okay. I probably seem nerdy, but I'm not terribly nervous about it. But I don't ask them out. I don't even ask them to coffee.

I'm a huge mama's boy. In my defense, my mom is pretty amazing. She's a medical doctor and she's beloved by practically everyone who knows her.

I do catastrophize. I tend to see bad situations spiraling out of control in my head. It rarely happens that way. The things that do hit me hard are things I don't even see coming. That probably informs my attitude towards girls. If I like a girl, in my head I jump to being married with kids with her. But then when the negative thinking kicks in, I think what if we have sex and what if she has a baby and needs an abortion and on and on.

People always ask about diagnosis, and I tend to fudge about it. My psychiatrist says I have Psychotic Disorder. I tend to say "I have depression" if I tell people at all, and that happens when I am confident I can trust that person. I had a breakdown once and I had auditory hallucinations. I was in a psych ward for a week.
That was in 2004. Since then, I've had zero hallucinations and zero hospitalizations. But depression is like an old teddy bear I can't give away. I get over it, I knock it out, but it's always there waiting for the moment to come back.

This is pretty terrible writing so I hope it makes some kind of sense. If you want to ask me about it, write a reply. Or if you just want to say "Amen, I can relate" that's cool too.

[Melancholia Frump]

With very few exceptions, his issue wasn't adressed AT ALL here. People who've had sex don't know what this is like AT ALL. Just because you haven't had it lately doesn't mean you never have. For God's sake, someone actually came on here and bragged about how good looking she thinks she is? Wow. Mine are big too, but I don't go out of my way to talk about it. Damn.
It was nice to see Paul read the email from Invisible Dan or whatever he signed off as. Wish I knew where he was located so I could at least talk to him. Sorry if it seems harsh, but I'm not going to be sympathetic to someone who goes on and on about her looks and then probably doesn't want to be exploited for them, too. There are a lot of bullshit philosphers that listen to this podcast, and they usually stand up at his live shows and inflict their mock intellect on the rest of us. I know Paul pretends they're poetic or cool, but I wish I was there to tell them to sit down and shut up. I don't think it's a mental illness, but I have a lack of tolerance for fakes. California tends to crank them out.

[Jose]

I am 26 and haven't been intimate or even struck up a casual friendship with a women in 4 years now. I had 3 different sexual partners for brief periods in my early 20's, all of the encounters ended pretty terribly and entirely put me off the idea of being in a relationship. I feel like I just missed the boat, learning this stuff, and maybe if I'd been more proactive about pursuing girls in high school (when they were actually interested in me) it wouldn't seem like such an enormous hurdle to get over now. The thing is, I've never really been comfortable with sharing everything about myself to women because there is so much shame attached to why I am who I am. I always gravitated toward the ones who seemed more troubled than I was so I wouldn't have to put on as much of an act for them and could show my true colors. This has proven difficult because when I find these people, they appreciate the attention but can't determine whether or not I'm willing to commit. The idea of being in a relationship has always given me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's one thing to really like someone and want to be around them all the time, but it almost seems like when we find that happiness we're expected to share it with everyone else. All of the sudden, everyone's intrigued by this new person in your life and you have to spend ten hours introducing them. When I'm interested in someone, all I can think of is how to get them AWAY from those people so we can be our true selves. It hasn't happened for me yet, but I hold out hope that I can get my shit together enough to just be friends with someone.

[EmeraldArcher]

Jose, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I'm a pretty private person and I don't like it when people ask me about my relationships. But really, you can't live for other people. If you choose not to tell people about someone you're seeing, that's just your choice.

[rockfisher]

I didn't even know this was a thing, and yes, I suffered with it my whole life. I didn't have sex until i was 29, and then it was with a prostitute because i just wanted to to get it over with. I even struggle with it now that I'm married. I want to have sex all the time, but I just always put it off, and it's making my wife upset. A lot of it stems from my childhood sexual trauma, and my on going porn addiction. I'll lay there and edge and jerk off for hours on end, and sometimes not even be able to cum, but then I'll try to have sex with my wife and I can't keep my dick hard, which is really ridiculous, because she's a great person and I love her so much, and she is hot AF. Thanks for posting this. In my life I have only had sex with three women. One prostitute, one one night stand, and my wife, but I have been jerking off daily since 9th grade. It's absolutely insainity.