Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

Hang in there, my friend. It sucks. We are standing by you.

The boss is being purposely horrible and I also noted she has to hold herself back before saying something she shouldn’t. She has court next week as someone is taking her for grievance who used to work here. I dislike this feeling I am having.

She’s nuts!

(I’m not sure if that is a saying in NZ, but it means crazy. She has been crazed by bigotry and prejudice and propaganda.)

Edit to add: if you’re interested, I can PM you a link for a Reddit community helps fellow survivors of what you’re going through.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Thank you, I have all the support I need right here thank you, yes she is mental. I’ll be happy to walk away.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Peaps

I have been feeling really odd. Feeling a bit like I’m in the process of a different journey in a couple of weeks. I am telling myself I’m not going backwards but moving forwards into a new path that I know well and can navigate accordingly.

My boss is acting extremely strange, it’s like watching this really bad play. Her fake personality she has with my replacement is excruciating to watch. I know her deepest thoughts about certain people, ethnicity, religion and countries. Not many applied for the role and absolutely no NEw Zealanders applied. I can see she is absolutely backed into a corner. She has court coming on Tuesday and if they call me up I will need to say what I think of her. This is absolutely ridiculous and feels like a poorly written sitcom.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

It's too bad about your boss, and a little hard to understand.
What makes people do what they do and behave in certain ways? What's the motivation? What's the payoff? (Like dissecting a character in a movie...)

From what I gather she's a competent doctor/surgeon, but an abrasive and abusive boss, is that right?

And the court cases aren't for malpractice towards patients, but workplace grievances? What are the stakes there? Is it monetary or what? Would you be called as a witness to some interactions or something?

(It'd be interesting to know how long her employees have stayed over time...)

The hatred in her voice and towards people is incredible.

Why would someone want to be in such a high touch profession with an outlook like that? She couldn't always have been that way..

if they call me up I will need to say what I think of her.

And I'm sure you can be truthful, but also tactful and diplomatic about it, since the case isn't about you personally....

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

I’ve been the longest staying employee of just over 2 years. She’s had personal grievances from three others and also trades men who worked on the practice over the years.

Her husband had an affair years ago, he is a phycologist back in Russian, and is on his 4th wife. However she just recently went on holiday with him and his new wife! Work that out!

I thought I could help her, but I can’t.

[snoringdog]

Wow....

I thought I could help her, but I can’t.

You have a good heart.

[Mental Fairy]

I know right!

Over the couple of years I have been there I have learnt a lot, I also broke through her tough exterior. Sadly it was bloody terrifying to see how much one person could hate.
I knew I was going to leave the moment I heard her come into the office when there was a patient in the waiting room and said like some form of announcement ‘ now I understand why people get a gun and kill people for the hell of it’

That is the level of hatred i worked with for just over two years. Yes I’m introvert and deal well with crowds, however I like people regardless of skin colour, race, religion and what country they are from or have chosen to live in. If Putin doesn’t win this war she promises to end her own life for her motherland. It’s bonkers. Absolutely disgusting.

Yet for the past few days of training this new person she is being like an angel, practically floating with a smile towards the new lady. However firmly keeps her back to me, no eye contact and no communication. It’s so bizarre.

So today is Saturday, my best friend of all friends Donya had her mastectomy yesterday and facing the fight of her life. Joe and I have got up early to get some groceries so we can bake and cook food for Donya’s children for school lunches next week. Going to make a ginger and apricot slice, chocolate and coconut slice and fruit loaf.

So better get this butt into gear and hit the road. The sky is blood red this morning, what’s the old saying??? Fiery morning Sheppards warning? Fiery night Sheppards delight??

[oak]

Mental Fairy: just like in this forum, you are a good friend. I hope she feels better soon, and that you have a good weekend.

Keep us posted.

[Mental Fairy]

Dear Team

I am lost for words really. My mind is racing. This is the last Monday in the clinic, not sure how i feel about all this. I awoke this morning with a head spin. The dreams were coming in thick and fast. Last week was a whirlwind of body recovery from the run, prioritizing sleep and focusing on trying not to panic to much about what is around my corner work wise.

I have been coming to this clinic for over a couple of years now, it is nestled in a lovely garden, birds chirp outside the window and the atmosphere when the boss is not here is rather to good to be true. Then she walks in, the atmosphere becomes electric with negativity and hatred. I am grateful she is not here until the afternoon. Tomorrow is court. Something i don't think they will call me up for now.

There is a level of confusion going on in my thoughts. I don't feel settled. Feeling very on edge and spooked for some reason.

When i woke up this morning i forced myself to get into my running kit and hit the road. 5am i was out the door and down the road taking on the darkness and fatigue still lingering in my legs. If my legs had built in speaker systems you would hear them screaming like some heavy metal punk rock band!!! within 0.7km of home i looked back down the road at where i had already trotted along and up the hill, my head was telling me to go home, i was immediately making up every excuse in the world not to continue onwards, my legs felt like heavy sand sacks as i dragged one foot to go in front of the other. It was pitch black when i looked back but i could see a moving shadow like form, someone was coming up the hill behind me. I don't know why but for the first time or maybe second, i felt fear. I felt deep seated atom splitting fear of who was coming up the hill. I never feel that way. Hardly ever when I'm running. I started to run harder up the hill, i was unable to link into my breath, unable to grasp onto why i for some reason was feeling this. I stopped just before the top of the hill and heard his footsteps. He was running also. It was another runner. He passed me and i held back the tears. I don't know why on earth i felt this today. I carried on doing what we call jeffing, it is a run walk situation.

Once home i flopped onto the yoga mat, unable again to get a grasp on my breathing, i tried to do some breathing exercisers, failed. Wanted to do yoga but couldn't get my head right. Made some eggs on toast and carried on with getting ready to go to work. I spilt my coffee through my bedside drawer, down the walls and into a pair of shoes. Got into the car and couldn't find my keys yet the car started when i pushed the button so i knew they were somewhere in the car. Got a text from the person i went running with last week and felt a level of shame and anger at myself for feeling like i could never travel with this person ever again. My best friend is battling this bloody cancer and I'm walking away from my job.

Maybe it is everything complied together, maybe it is just the way my brain works, i feel very off, not myself and not ideal for the outside world.

For a large part of Sunday i hid away in my room watching tv and reading while the rain fell outside.
Saturday i had a meeting at my new job to sort a grand opening day. We will be opening to the public later in September. I know the team, i worked at this clinic for years and now i will be at the forefront of the reopening since i left three + years ago. It is all feeling a little strange.

So hard to explain. I don't know why but i am feeling a lot of anger. Maybe because of my boss?

[Mental Fairy]

Also, thoughts to Rivergirl as she faces the forces of cyclone hitting California. Stay safe my friend and keep us in the loop.