I just can't cope

[Beany Boo]

Sir-knob-head,

Good morning

It's okay

I instinctively felt myself being manipulated and I managed to interrupt it before I was. So don't worry no harm done. I am okay. I wish you well navigating this difficult situation.

[Sir-knob-head]

Glad you've not taken offence

I value your input

Update after being forced to go to hospital to get checked out after my 'overdose' Thought I didn't wanna seek mental illness help Got dismissed and set out to walk home. And as I walked out. Got told I was supposed to be sectioned After walking about 15 miles without food or drink. And broke down in. A heap. I realised I can't do this alone I picked up the phone and called the police. Back to hospital. It was 130am and I was called in for a mental health assessment. I struggled telling her what was going on. Struggled connecting with this person. Being able to say what I needed. Then she offered me a cuppa coffee. Much needed. The simple humanity cheered me up. Made my mood okay. A simple coffee. Then a taxi to my work place on the hospital because I had no wallet keys jacket etc I tried to sleep at my works. Freezing cold Then the drama at work. Being threatened with being sent home Rough day. Tired. Sore and too tired to think

Hopefully I'll be seeing. A psychologist. Got some medication to take the edge off my depression I hope

I still don't know how I'm going to do this. Or even if I want this fight But no harm in the last shot. Last shot for the 4th time

I feel very guilty. I went for a walk. No one could find me and a letter to my ex in the event of my death was found My works a few police cars and a helicopter was on its way Guilt because of course. I don't feel worthy of all this and I was being selfish not being able to confront the ambulance sent to assess me after my doctor heard of my 'overdose' and the result is all this resource
Yes I'm in a slightly better place But it's still a long road A long road I'm not sure I have the energy to go down

[Beany Boo]

Sir-knob-head,

Good morning

Glad to hear you survived.

Sorry to hear about the day you're now facing. It's difficult to know how it will end. Or what tomorrow will be. But it doesn't hurt to feel curious.

And help might work. Eventually.

[rivergirl]

I'm glad you're still in the world, Sir-Knob-Head. Every bit of pain that you've expressed in your posts makes sense to me and I'm not going to try to convince you that anything is going to feel better soon, or that you're going to heal. I think it's possible for you to begin to heal if you stay here in the world but I'm struggling too much myself right now to find how that happens to try to convince you of anything. All I can say is that you don't deserve to feel this way and that you deserve to be loved and not to be abandoned. Also, you say that you know your mother was wrong and that you don't blame yourself for her abandonment. But knowing that intellectually and really feeling it are two different things. All the terrible things you say about yourself come from somewhere really deep. Please be as kind to yourself as you can right now, even if it's just getting yourself a cup of coffee or whatever provides a small bit of comfort in the moment.

[Imissmysun]

Thinking of you Knobby

Hope that you are in a safe place -

Keep us posted...

[Sir-knob-head]

Meds worked. Fir a while. Now I'm in a freefall I mean. I've created projects to keep me busy. But all the time I'm not working on my projects. My heads easily distracted by the destructive thoughts

I'm struggling to keep my focus. But I'm struggling more to access the help I need. Punching through the window of the mental health center leavinh a note venting my frustration at the lack of treatment I've managed to access. Not left my name etc but

Argh. It's a shitty situation

[Imissmysun]

very happy to see that you posted -

not happy that you are in a cycle of not getting what you need from the system put there to do just that -

sounds to me like a lot of reform is needed in general across the board - there is still a lot of stigma and misinformation about mental health issues - and there is still this idea that sedation is the best cure - just sleep off your psychosis - we have to search high and low to find good solid healthy coping mechanisms - because the ones we rely on are crazy making -

destructive thoughts are a beast - I was just having the most peaceful suicide day dream - it was not scary - it was like just the sweetest release - there was no plan in it - I don't even know how I died in the fantasy just that I was no longer here - and it felt like the biggest boulder in the world was lifted - see that is messed up - because I have a lot in my life to be happy about - and maybe thats part of the desire to have release I have a lot in my life - the overwhelm with no release - and in your way you are overwhelmed as well - with the thoughts with the swirling vortex of feelings and wanting to numb and not feel - been there a hundred times -

going there later - will visit again tomorrow -

I read once about monks that lived in the mountains in China - they lived on rice donations and just went and lived by themselves as hermit monks - I am so down for that life some days - I would be an awesome all day meditator - just sitting in a rock cave having tea and rice thinking about breathing and nothing else -

glad to see you back - hope you can wrap yourself around some good thoughts - I try to do the same myself -

[Sir-knob-head]

When someone who was your best mate uses every bit of love and care you gave them and throws it back at you with lies! It hurts. My anxiety is killing me. I really want to die. I can't handle this

[rivergirl]

I'm relieved to see you're posting again, Sir-knob-head, but sorry things are so bad for you. Being betrayed by someone you love is a cruel terrible thing to go through, especially when you already deal with anxiety and depression. I wish I had something more helpful to write. Please keep expressing your feelings and hang in there.

rivergirl

[Sir-knob-head]

I'm tired of trying to find the place that I belong in this world only to be kicked to the kurb. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I'm tired of trying to be as constructive with my life not knowing why and how I'm tired of getting attached to someone only to be let down and realise everything they said was just to please themselves

I'm tired of hurting I'm tired of knowing I don't belong here yet carrying on this world's not for me!