littleraincloud's diary

[littleraincloud]

Two schools have called/emailed me asking why I haven't completed my applications yet. Haven't even finished the stories I'm going to use as writing samples. Fuck fuck fuck this is the EXACT same situation I was in last year and I'm making the same damn mistakes. I am trapped by myself.

[littleraincloud]

Somebody please reassure me that I'm not a hopeless freak for never having been in a romantic relationship at the ripe old age of 23. This is ridiculous. I'm going to be an old woman in about five minutes and nobody will want me then. I've already wasted so much time.

[HowDidIGetHere]

All I can say is that if you are a hopeless freak for not having been in a relationship before 23, you're not the only one. I didn't even kiss a girl I wasn't related to until I was 17 and teenaged boys are supposed to be hooking up left and right (unless teen movies have been lying to me this whole time).

As far as the procrastination, it sounds an awful lot to me like plain old perfectionism and fear of failure. You wind up in the same situation time and again because you still have the same fears, the same doubts, and all the same personality traits as you did before—until you change them. You're not a piece of crap for not having done better, so get that out of your head right away. You've got issues. Just like the rest of us. And especially just like the rest of us writers.

Is there a way some of us here can give you support or motivation or a relatively guilt-free kick in the pants?

[hobojungle]

Littleraincloud you are not a hopeless freak for not having been in a romantic relationship yet. Of course, knowing something intellectually does not guarantee feeling it emotionally. Speaking from my own experience.

[littleraincloud]

HowDidIGetHere: I didn't kiss anyone until I was 20. Ha! Beat you! Teen movies do lie, though. The biggest disappointment/insight of my young adulthood has been that while I've been measuring myself against the examples of those movies, the truth is that movies about teens are really just fantasies from middle-aged screenwriters who want to rewrite/relive their youths through film, and that the "teenagers" onscreen are all 25 and work as models in their spare time. It's not real life. It's almost like...television has been lying to me this whole time!

As for the support thing, if you or anyone else wants to send me a private message once in a while asking me what my word count for the day is or how the writing is going, the sheer guilt from seeing that message will motivate me to actually write something. Thank you for asking how you could help! That's very nice of you.

hobojungle: Yessss, intellectual vs. emotional knowledge! Nothing is more torturous than knowing that I'm acting irrationally, or that I'm having irrational thoughts, but being unable to feel as if those things aren't true.

[littleraincloud]

Currently having intense feelings of anxiety because I made the mistake of reading a woman writing about her early 20s. She graduated a semester early just like I did, but instead of moving home went straight to LA. Now I'm comparing myself to her and panicking because I've wasted the past two years living at home when I should have moved to a city right away (not that I could have with literally $20 in my bank account at that time) and now I'm too far behind and it's too late for me to do anything ever!!!!

[brownblob]

Everyone has their own path in life and it's not constructive to compare. Rimbaud quit writing at like 21. Everyone is a failure at 21 compared to him. I don't think it's too late for you to do anything ever. I'm a procrastinator who has done nothing with my life, so I shouldn't be the one giving advice, but all you can do is try to make tomorrow count. If you're having mental issues, you may not really be capable until you deal with those. It can be hard to accomplish anything when anxious, depressed, full of self hatred and self doubt.

[littleraincloud]

I don't know if I have the strength to actually apply to these schools. Lying in bed all day is easier. Not that it would be the end of the world if I didn't apply, but if I can't pull through on this, then what can I do?

[manuel_moe_g]

Wishing you strength. Please don't beat yourself up. You are doing your best under a very considerable challenge.

[littleraincloud]

Fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life I've got skin rashes in my armpit and under each ass cheek and am COVERED in flea bites all over my ankles halfway up to my knee, still having little fleas jump all over my feet every time I walk into my bedroom. It's been like this for months. I feel like a fucking animal