I'm not ready to leave therapy

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Lilac. Sorry to read that things have taken a turn downward. Please take care, we are cheering for you. Have you tried breathing in a slow and steady rate, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Controlling my breath has gone a lone way to slowing down the rate of negative thoughts, for me.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a good person. Again, please take care.

[Lilac]

Thank you MM. I have tried just about everything at this point. I am so worn down. I just keep telling myself to hang on. Just hang on an oher day. Fuck, what a head space. There seems to be nothing to fill the void. Eating, drugs, booze. I can't stand my own company. I don't know what to do other than just keep breathing.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Lilac. I feel bad seeing you suffering. Keep wading through all that shit, it is the only way to still be around for that brighter day.

[Lilac]

Amen brother.

[Lilac]

Cymbalta is the newest ingredient in my morning cocktail. Please, please, please work.

[Lilac]

Fuck. Thinking about opening up my veins. I want to make the biggest mess I can so that my "family" has to clean it up. I want to hurt them and embarrass them as much as possible. I want to give them a real reason to be ashamed of me. I want there to be blood everywhere. I want them to k ow how much pain I am and have been in for so long. I want them to see it and be horrified by it. I want to video it so that they can never get rid of the horror. I want them to have flashbacks. I want them to know pain. I want to shock them out of their perfect little world. Fuckers. I want to smash my face and slash it. I want to carve it off. I want to not exist. How long would it take for someone to find me? Would my dogs be able to feed off my body for thet long? What a fucking looser. Can't do anything without worrying. Fucking soft. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. What is the purpose of this life. How can there be a purpose of feeling this way for so long. The darkness always comes back. Why can't it just go away and leave me. What have I done to deserve this? I swear I try to be good person. Please just tell me what I did. I swear I didn't mean to do it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Lilac, you don't deserve this pain. You are a good person, it is obvious by reading the truth you type in this forum. If I had a magic wand I would zap your pain and suffering away, because you deserve at least that much. Please take care.

[Lilac]

I wish I could simply not exist. Not kill myself but just disappear. Evaporate. No trace left. No hurts. No nothing. I have no idea how one can accomplish this. How does one erase ones self from existence? Does the soul live on? Is there still glue? Tar and muck?

There is a theory that we ask for the life that we are living.What am I supposed to be lear n ing? Why isn't it more clear? Do I have to search for the question and the answer? I just need a little hint. I am a smart person. I just need a little hint. A little help. What am I to learn from all of this shit?!

[Lilac]

Cymbalta... no difference. Lots of darkness. It is thick like tar. Sticky.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Lilac, and keep living one day at a time for the benefit of the people who care about you. I am so sad that Cymbalta didn't help you.