brownblob

[Beany Boo]

Wow,

You could be describing me, truly. I've been avoiding stating it as clearly as you have. I hate people talking to me about me. I tried for a long time to connect with others but it just makes the paranoia spike, not dissolve. The first 2 hours of work each day are a nightmare, trying to pretend that I'm calm. I can't be on social media. My social interaction is strictly titrated to avoid exposure.

I am starting to see I am naturally introverted. I at least want a little more safety in the presence of others.

Keep writing Brownblob

[Imissmysun]

You are depressed - you have an imbalance in chemicals and your internal voice is loudly lying to you.

You are worthy, you are uniquely amazing, you are loved and cared about

keep looking for a therapist you click with - it helps -

not all therapists are created equally that means that your experience in your 20's is not indicative of all mental health professionals - and if you try another one that you don't click with it does not mean that there is no help

Head up and keep blogging

[Imissmysun]

Hey Brown!

Havent seen you lately just checking

Hoping things are starting to lift

[brownblob]

Not much going on here. I've just been working and sleeping and listening to the podcast. I've been trying meds this year and have been frustrated with them not helping. I see my psychiatrist again this week so I'm expecting another med change. I question whether anything will help or maybe I'm not mentally ill maybe I'm just a loser. I listened to the Morgan Murphy episode and liked it. She was talking about how she went off meds and went into a spiral and came to realize that she had to take this seriously for the rest of her life. I guess I feel like maybe I haven't stayed on top of it. She also talked about all the friends she had who supported her in her struggles and I felt jealous. I've never had much support. My spouse has been supportive of me trying meds this year and has been very patient with me. But she also is very antipsychiatry and mental health so I get kind of a mixed message. My family always treated my problems as weakness and not as a mental illness. I've never had friends I could confide in.
I guess I know i'm fucked up but knowing how to fix it seems impossible. I've been watching some youtube videos on meditation and trying to do a little bit of that. Not sure I'm making progress with that but I figure I'm at least trying something.

[Imissmysun]

Its a journey not a race!

Im probably going to try something else as well.

You are not a loser!

You are not weak, or lazy, you have a lack of chemical balance in your brain. A result of it trying to make sense of you coping with all the crud you have had to deal with.

You are taking steps and i know that everyone who reads your words hear today wants you to succeed.

I support you.

I think you are making good choices

[brownblob]

Woke up at 3AM full of anxiety and depression. Part of me wants to just call in from work and stay home, but I don't want to get into that habit. I know intellectually my life is not that bad, but I feel like I can't go on sometimes. I enjoy nothing. I live in a state of anxiety. I don't believe I will ever enjoy any part of life again. I don't just have low self esteem, I have self hatred. I listened to the Mark Agee episode awhile back where he described how he went months just sneaking out of his house to get a few groceries in the middle of the night and I thought yeah if I had money that would be me. But I can't afford to quit my job so I have to leave the house for that.
Intellectually, I know my parents could have done a better job. I wish I had help available to me at a younger age but I can't go back and change any of that stuff. The only thing I can change is the here and now, but I kind of am what I am. I am this reclusive nonhuman blob of self hatred and anxiety. I don't know how to carry on a conversation let alone how to change myself. I listened to the Guy Winch episode on self esteem and he said to make a list of good qualities and then write an essay. The only good qualities I could come up with were honesty and compassion but I could come up with a list a mile long of my bad qualities.
I'm just in a bad place this morning.

[Beany Boo]

brownblob,

Good evening

It's weird you saying honesty and compassion because that nails the tone of you're writing about yourself, for me. I'm moved by it because you're more or less describing me but it doesn't sound... wrong? It just sounds like a relentless struggle. I'd go so far as to say you sound like a dad who is re-telling the difficulty his child is going through. I guess I'm having a feeling about my own situation that's not just pure confusion. I wish I had a solution but if I ever do, you'll be the first to know.

Thank you for sharing with me.

[Imissmysun]

Hello to my favorite other blob,

I feel your struggle so deeply - my meds aren't really helpng me - they kind of are but not really -

I find no real joy at all - I live in a state of perpetual blah - and I know its all on me - I know that none of my kids are causing this nor is my partner - the issue is not external its interal - and its beyond no self esteem and continual self ridicule - it's the fact that I can't seem to give myself the same care I give others -

I can't seem to find the same compassion for myself I have for everyone else in my life - I can't seem to see myself as worthy - it's the culture we live in that states that self care is selfish and ego-centric - as well as my upbringing that told me my feelings and thoughts were not important - it left me with very few skills/desires for self care -

Well - I am starting to think that I really need to just start really being more kind to myself - to really take the effort to make that happen - to try to give myself more leeway - It's funny that without a second thought I would tell you that you are worthy of so much more than the self hatred you live in - but I cannot offer myself the same solace -

I am hoping that you can also find some tome for self care - I have heard that it can get better - that it isn't always like this and that we can find our own work arounds to lead more full lives

I try to keep in mind the small moments that bring me happiness right now that is just really enjoying my 2 year old and him discovering the world and opening up his ability to communicate - and his infectious smile - it makes me smile in spite of my grumpy self -

so try to find those little moments - they are there - hold onto the little glimpses of light for as long as they are there - they are little gifts to let us know its not impossible -

I am here and I am listening

[brownblob]

A bumper sticker I saw today: Don't believe everything you think

[Beany Boo]

Oh shit... that is awesome