Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Woke up so so.

Second day of breathing normally through the morning.

I’m continuing to lean less on my defenses, especially when I’m alone; less ruminating.

I’m not sure what today holds but I’m not too concerned.

I’m going to try and double down on listening. I need to stick with it at least a couple of months.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

My defensiveness keeps going down. It’s a real relief in certain moments for it not to be there.

Today I experienced being more aware of how I was communicating moment to moment. I witness the improvement as it occurs.

The mid-morning CBT exercises are working. The anxieting doesn’t get a chance to build up.

I feel like I’m drinking in air. I’m almost embarrassed by my oxygen intake. I think self consciousness is probably the byproduct of the historical trauma relenting.

I’m definitely deliberately believing in myself, though it feels exceedingly awkward.

Midafternoon is sweet remedy.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up haphazardly but finely.

Every time there’s an incident that touches on my defenses, I seem to get a choice to engage them or not.

As I trust myself a little more, the more I see myself as deeply unmanageable. The image is a bit like a dangerous, grown up baby; dangerous in the sense that he could put his hand in a fire or walk out into traffic.

My instinct is to actually let those things happen. I’m not a grown up baby. With my adult brain I’m likely to respond to risk with more pause and thought.

I’ll breathe, listen with empathy and give myself the gift of going at pace that I can reasonably recover from.

Until midafternoon.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I pushed it a bit hard but with care not to overreach. In fact I pushed hard to avoid overreaching. I think it worked.

I seemed to communicate with a bit more self-awareness again today. There’s an incentive of late. There’s evidence accruing, that more care with communication banks value in relationships.

The morning CBT exercises are really making the difference.

It’s past midafternoon.

Hodo-hodo

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

My doing less is working out.

I was scared of not being able to handle my homework last night, of being overwhelmed. I persisted and it ended up being some work I am actually proud of.

I rode my bike slowly today and it was really pleasant and strewn with good thought-threads.

The ordered thoughts continued otherwise and my mind returns unprompted to ‘what might work out’; like its a design exercise. It’s unclear what might work out. It’s an empty window in which an answer is due. I think it (my mind) is looking for something in particular. Meanwhile practice-answers - homework, bike rides - are working out all over.

The slower I go pace-wise, the more I get done and have ready.

Hodo-hodo

[Beany Boo]

Woke up a bit tired but okay mentally.

I finally feel ready to co-exist with the continuous ambivalence I experience. Relentlessly torn between different, opposing courses of action.

From what I’ve read it’s not so much of a problem; that it is actually prudent to exercise fidelity with the uncertainty that’s present in the mind. It might even yield results more congruent with my values, than a course dependent on unwavering certainty.

It might be the next step in my listening-with-kindness journey.

I certainly feel more in balance when I stop fighting the ambivalence. I’m not sure yet what the message forming, is.

I think the key is to not make it ‘life and death’. Lowering the stakes reduces some of the confusion and makes understanding come a little more readily.

We’ll see at midafternoon.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well though I’m mentally tired.

It’s midafternoon.

I’m going to use the evening to rest and recover.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up sleepy with the alarm but mentally astute.

I’m finding there are moments where I’m persisting and committing without overdoing it.

I had a very clear experience yesterday of being in a rush and stopping to listen actively to someone. I mentally set the clock to five minutes and focused on giving clear and concise signals and messages.

I will stay in the middle today, between relaxed and stressed, and just work on my routine, paying attention to habits that are improving.

The main one being paraphrasing what people say to me back to them.

Until midafternoon.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Beany,

Yes, repeating what I understood back at people has really helped me

Also “your opinion of me is non of my business”

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM