Let me start out by saying that I do have issues... Mainly anxiety, depression, perfectionism, love addiction, and struggle with an eating disorder. Just growing up in a dysfunctional environment and having a really bad abusive relationship when I was 14 that lasted 3 years. It was physically, an emotionally abusive.. Not to mention i was sexually abused by the boyfriend before that that also lasted 3 years but when i was about 12. This isn't me trying to rant about that but i wanted to give a bases so you can see where the issues in my current relationship could be coming from aside from also having a father who wasn't part of my life.
So with the current guy who i am very much in love with we've had a rocky beginning.. The first couple of months were great and fresh and we were friends first so it was fun and exciting... He was a senior in high school and i was graduated so here's where a lot of the immaturity came from on his end, i've always been mature for my age. He asked me to homecoming and then i got sooo excited for it. I couldn't wait to go with him.. But a couple days before it he broke up with me...
anywho, i made him well said he should hang with me that night cuz its low to promise me that then tak to me like it never happened and not hang with me.. We ended up hanging with his friend that night too so i was upset... But before that he had a bunch of pics with him and his friend during spirit week. His friend was of course a girl.. This didn't bother me though because i did trust him and was okay with his female friends.. This is where that changed...There was a lot of pictures on facebook of him and her but they seemed really close... too close for friends and he just broke up before we were gonna go to a dance at his school where that girl would be.. So i questioned it. He said oh its nothing.. So i went with it.
That whole thing hurt a lot because by then we were inlove.. or so i thought.. I was really inlove. But I was his first actual relationship so i guess it scared him. He said it was getting too serious after we broke up which now he tells me wasn't true.. but now only makes me question that it was the girl whose name was Jaqueline. So a little while after we go back together there was something else coming up. oh wait! I forgot to mention that i was invited to his spirit week thing too but then he decided not to let me go and yeah.. So anyways back to where i was.. His friend was having a party so Will (my boyfriend) invited me. Guess what... The day before it happened he broke up with me again.. Then after i was on facebook and there was a pic of him and Jaqueline together... And in the comments she was like, "aren't we so cute together?" And his friend agreed. Will tolled me it was a joke but it still bothered me because it hurt. I didn't know the truth... We did end up getting back together though..
This girl in his life started haunting me.. It was almost prom season and i was so scared of this happening.. So scared... So i assumed he was going to break up with me. Before we got back together Istarted hanging out with this guy who i worked it... He made me feel special and wanted to show me off instead of hide me.. it felt good. I tried to stop seeing him when Will and me got back together but he was so persistent and wouldn't let me basically just keep nagging and being needy. And of course here's me coming from a home that led me to not being able to say no to him... I was so numb, and so lost, and upset, and jealous of jaqueline that i ended up being with both of them. I'm ashamed of this but i have forgiven myself which is why im able to admit it.. I kept it going because whenever i was anxious or jealous about jaqueline when will was doing stuff where she might be, the other guy made me not care as much because i was doing it. I know this is wrong...
So eventually there came a time when Will found out.. I couldn't even admit it then. I was so detached from myself and after it all hit me i realized how awful what i did was.. Especially since i've been cheated on and knew what it felt like... It was awful we were broken up for a while like a month and a half maybe which is long for us... lol.... But i started seeing the other guy just him cuz he found out too and forgave me, but Will wouldn't. The other guy was in high school so i wanted to go to prom so bad cuz i knew Will was going to so even though they are different schools i was scared of what would happen. Plus i did kinda like the other guy. I ended up going to prom with the other dude and the next day we were driving and i looked at tumblr on my phone.. There was a picture of Will and Jaqueline at prom... It literally felt like my heart was ripped frrom my chest. I couldn't breath and it hurt so bad... He was with her.. he went with her.. after everything... What made it an even bigger deal was that we was trying to get back with me before the whole prom thing.. So it killed.
To make this shorter.. I'll fast forward.. I ended up leaving the other dude for Will. I loved him and was healing so i was ready to commit to having a faithful and loving relationship where we both learned and started fresh and all that. We both made mistakes and at this point we have really grown and all that so we worked to keep our relationship good. And it's been amazing ever since. Even now.. He's so perfect now. (don't leave because the main problem is coming after i talk about how great he is) Like he was an immature boy when we first got together but now hes so much more mature and sweet and attentive. We have a ddlg relationship which if you dont know what that means it means daddy dom little girl. It's kinda like roleplaying and ageplay where hes like the caregiver and i'm his little princess haha sounds weird probably i know lol but when i call him daddy it's not in like a dad way haha it doesn't mean or make me think of that at all, I call him daddy butb it's not creepy or weird it's just a sexual thing idk whatever. So we have this insane trust with each other and he takes care of me and he listens to me..
But i have a problem..
I can't get over the Jaqueline thing!
Like it sucks so bad... I forgive him and trust him, and i've forgiven myself but i am so jealous. So fucking jealous... Like im attractive, sure, but she's literalyly perfect... It's at the point where i wish i was her.. She has the perfect smile, teeth, hair, eyes, skin color, body, lips, nose, boobs, legs, like everything about her is perfect! it's too unfair. I stalk her instagram so much its insane, Like i started self help stuff and for a while i was great, my depression was better, i was more confident, happy, all that. But i'm prtty sure i'm bipolar cuz this seems to happen a lot.. I was SO goood.. And now i'm back to being so low again.. I'm obsessed with her and when i think about the past and what we've been through it hurts and makes me so sad i usually cry.. I just want to be her. I can't help but think he's thinking about her, or missing her, or really wanted her, or wish he could have her but she didn't want him, just idk. I know if i was a guy i would love her too. Like im a girl and im basially inlove with her... Will goes to the Univeristy of Illinois and of course so does he....
I drove down there and visited 3 times and 2 out of those times i saw her..!!!!
The first time, Will and me were walking down the street and all of a sudden we hear "hey! Hey!" And i looked up and i recognized her right away since i stalk her basically... I had so much anxiety... and it sucks because her voice was even perfect!!! so sweet and pure and perfect! it's just so unfair... i wish i was her..
The second time i was leaving UOI after visiting him and when i was leaving the parking lot i saw a girl jogging and i thought holy shit that looks like jaqueline... And so i watched her and she stopped to talk to Will which sucked cuz i was leaving and i wasn't there and for just once i wish he would introduce me to her just so can feel safe that she knows i exist... And of course after this i was jealous that she was running working out and im just a piece of shit..
Oh wait!!!!
There's one more thing...
So one of time we broke up, he was on his phone.. he seemed off... weird even though he was laying next to me. I could sense something was wrong.. He was texting so i said let me see your phone. This was the only time i have ever looked at it... I made him show me.. Well i grabbed it from him because he wouldn't let me which scared me even more.. I was at a low point and this was before the cheating thing.. I grabbed it and we was taking to Jaqueline.. I scrolled up and it said ,"I think im leaving Kaylea." and she said "why?" and i dont remember why he said but it hurt so bad... It still does.. it haunts me..
I don't know if i should stay with him or not if it'll always bug me.... help..
