Ian's Diary: Pretty little self destructive bow

[InsaneIan]

I feel like nothing about my life is working.
I feel like every day I have just enough energy to pull the string on my back so I can wobble around and pretend to be alive.
I'm lonely, I'm exhausted, I'm horny, I'm broke, I'm in pain, I'm ugly and I have no will left.
I'm 34 and living with family.
I have a lifetime worth of debt and no income.
I've gotten three degrees and I still can't support myself.
I have a freelance business but it's not enough to live off.
I've got no confidence and no money and no drive to do anything.
My health has always been a concern since I was diagnosed at age one with leukemia.
I've got facial scars, a crooked back, bad knees, a broken liver and I'm 5 feet tall.
I'm constantly in pain - emotionally and physically.
My best friend died of cancer over 12 years ago and I don't think I've ever gotten over it.
I've only had one romantic / sexual partner and that was almost ten years ago.
I have family but everyone has their own life and I feel like a burden - a nuisance.
I have exactly one friend whom I can talk to about anything of importance.
I'm grateful for that.
I think about suicide all the time.
Although I don't think I could follow through.
I know the obvious solution here is to go to therapy and get drugs.
I can only say it hasn't happened yet either because I didn't have the insurance or money and also... that I'm horrified about actually going.
I don't exactly know how to articulate that feeling except to say that - if someone heard the thoughts I'm thinking and confirms my own negative beliefs I have of myself I don't think I could deal.
I don't know if I could continue...
I have this fear that I'm right.... that if I say "I'm a waste of space. I'm a burden on everyone around me and society. I have nothing to offer the world." .... that someone will agree with me.
That someone who knows me so well, like a therapist may with time, will actually agree.... and thus.... all my insecurities and intimacy issues are all wrapped up in a pretty little self destructive bow.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are not alone, InsaneIan.

"I'm a waste of space. I'm a burden on everyone around me and society. I have nothing to offer the world." .... that someone will agree with me.
That someone who knows me so well, like a therapist may with time, will actually agree

Therapy and medication are tools to be the best version of yourself. It is scary to try to be the best version of yourself, because what if that isn't good enough?

I am going through something like this right now. My therapist said that the opposite of sadness, depression, & anxiety is hope, compassion, & acceptance. Part of acceptance is making a realistic assessment, and that can be painful. It is, however, less painful than denying yourself hope, compassion, & acceptance.

Please take care, all the best to you.

[Glock therapy]

Hi Ian,
I saw your post and wanted to respond right away and unfortunately didn't manage to until now. I'm sorry, really sorry, for how you're feeling. Which sounds kind of trite given what you said, but I do hear you and relate. Your post was vivid and moving, and ... well, shit, no one deserves to feel that way. I can only think to say that I know I evaluate myself extremely harshly, in a manner I would never do to others and over everything. If I met someone exactly like me, I'd probably think: "He's an OK guy. He says he struggles an incredible amount but I think he's all right,and I admire how much he is able to manage, given that he struggles so much. " I can't imagine I'd say anything like "What a fucking idiot; what a purposeless, waste-of-space, can't -get-anything-right motherfucker he is. Why doesn't he just end it?" But I say that stuff to myself all the time (compound adjectives and curse words just seem to naturally strike the right tone). Sometimes I look at what I'm so upset at myself for and that I imagine everyone thinks I'm an asshole for and realize that if someone else did similarly I'd smile and give 'em a hug, and encourage them that it's just being human and really not anything to feel shame or worthlessness over.

I hate to "give advice" to anyone who's depressed because I know that can feel humiliating, depersonalizing, minimizing, over-simplifying and a bunch of other -ings. And I'm in no position to give advice (last suicidal thought -- 13 secs ago). I do hear you; I do relate, and I just thought I'd share something that has been just a tiny, tiny bit helpful recently.

Hang in there brother, and I hope the load lightens very soon.

-gt