Need help before this gets worse

[curbyourdepression]

Firstly I want to say that I have been seeing the same therapist for three years, she is wonderful, and is up to date on all information below. I would see her everyday if I could, but sometimes one 45-minute session a week is not enough. So trying to find some other resources for help. I also would like a second opinion on how severe/not severe of a position I am in. My therapist tends to be gentle with me.

I think I have always had an addictive personality, but it's been mostly under control, but right now I feel like I'm at a crossroads between letting this spiral or take control of it and stop it now. I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to end it.

My current prescribed meds:

Celexa, 40 mg daily (been on it for years)
Xanax, 0.5 as needed, some days just 1, some days 2 or 3, although I hate how sleepy they make me sometimes, this drug has been a lifesaver to me, but I do worry about the addictive aspect and the idea of eventually weaning off of it

Here's the new issue. I had my first painkiller at 17 after a wisdom teeth removal procedure. I don't remember what drug it was, maybe Vicodin, but I had something called "dry socket" which is extremely painful so I got a huge bottle of it from my dentist. I remember the experience of taking that first pill vividly. i wasn't aware at that age that I had been suffering from crippling anxiety all my life, and when I took this pill, and it completely eliminated all of my anxieties for a few hours - I was mindblown. I was high and happy and had that overwhelming feeling of wanting everything good in the world at once and for everyone to be happy and "if I felt this way all of the time, life would be so much easier." I wanted more. I remember finishing the bottle even after the pain had subsided. I didn't come in contact with painkillers again until recently - I'm 27 now. I am ashamed to admit my father was recovering from surgery, and I stole a handful of pills from his bottle, which I feel incredibly guilty about. And it was that same total relief feeling. You know, I'm actively working to improve myself, I see a therapist weekly and tell her everything on my mind, I take my Celexa religiously, I exercise 5/6 times a week. But it's always a fight. I am actively fighting to stay happy. And these pills - God, these pills just give it to me. And I can completely understand how easy it is to go from zero to 60 with them.

Most recently, a doctor prescribed me Percocet for a persistent running injury that is painful to walk on. I knew I didn't really need it, the pain is maybe a 6 on the scale of 1-10, but I couldn't turn down the Rx. And I know I can get another with a simple phone call.

I'm almost done with the bottle. The relief the pills give me is unlike anything I've felt before. I know it's unhealthy and I know it's not the solution but I feel powerless at the moment. Like, it feels so good I don't even care if I spiral. "Can I please just feel like this? Through the next week? Through the next month? I'll be OK if I can just get through this one thing, then I won't need them anymore." Those kinds of thoughts.

I am wondering if there is some kind of support group for substance abuse for people who have not yet ended up in rehab who can help stop me from going down this path. I would feel silly sitting in an AA meeting like I don't belong because nothing traumatic has happened to me, yet. I'm just a middle-class stressed out millennial who doesn't have the strength to end this. What other support groups are out there?

TL;DR: I think I'm headed toward a dangerous path and I'm scared and I think I need help.

[donkarp]

Hey there!

Did you look at NA?
na.org
narcotics anonymous

Patterned after AA

No psychiatric drugs have been proven effective in the long term, and many have been shown to cause mental illness.
See madinamerica.com

You are well to be concerned on this issue and to end these medication addictions.

[rivergirl]

When I've gone to a support group in the past, and tried 12-step groups, there were people with a range of severity of their situations and addictions. If you feel like pain medication is something that could become an issue for you then it seems to me it's smart and brave of you to be thinking about doing something now, and from my past experience I'm pretty sure you would be welcomed into a support group. Also, unless you live in a really small town, there's usually a choice of meetings and you could try a few to see if one is a better fit. I think good therapists and psychiatrists can also help with heading off substance abuse issues too. Although it can be hard to bring up, it's part of the overall picture they need to be able to help you.

I completely relate to how you feel about the medications. I had pain medication prescribed for me for decades for a chronic condition that I had, and I would rarely take them. But then I had a couple of surgeries a few years ago while also experiencing worsening depression and anxiety and a painful romantic relationship, and even though I only actually needed the medication for a day or two, I got in the habit of taking an increasing number each evening to calm the anxiety and depression I was feeling. It felt like I was happy for the first time in several years. I also relate so much to feeling like you have to continually struggle and work so hard with therapy, taking psych medications that may have side effects, etc. just to try to feel "normal".

Please hang in there and don't feel bad about seeking whatever help you need. Sending you hugs.

[curbyourdepression]

Thank you rivergirl, I was scared to post this last night and relieved (as well as by reading all the other posts in this forum) that I am not alone to feeling powerless over these substances. I live in a big city, and just went on na.org, and it looks like there are 100s of meetings I can attend. I'm not sure if I'm ready but simply knowing it's there helps. I think I am going to come up with a game plan with my therapist first, she might know another support group that's a better fit for me.

[curbyourdepression]

Thank you donkarp, I just visited na.org and found there are several meetings in my area, some closed to non-addicts or those in the in-between phase.

[rivergirl]

curbyourdepression,
I'm glad you did post! It can feel so lonely when you're struggling on your own with mental health issues or substance abuse but really there are people all around you dealing with very similar things, if not your exact same set of circumstances. Often they don't look on the outside like they're struggling but appearances are so deceptive. Keep taking small steps forward whenever you can, you deserve to feel better.

Take care,

rivergirl

[oak]

Hey! I am glad you posted.

What you describe is becoming very common:

Person has little/no history with painkillers, hurts their back/knee/etc, gets prescribed these powerful new opiate drugs, gets hooked.

I am not saying that is what is happening to you. In fact I think you are well on your way to avoid such a future.

I don't know what the solution is for you, but I encourage you to keep telling people until it gets better.

Keep in mind that opioid drugs are very powerful these days. Good luck. Keep using your words.

[rc409]

Heres the problem. If you and I could continue to take one or two, per day and feel awesome it really would not be great, but so-so on the problem scale.

However, it doesn't work that way when we try and use them for mood elevators. Soon, its really not a matter of having enough, they just stop working in the way you hope they will. 2-3 weeks is probably about right.

After this, you take them and hope to feel normal.

If you go into an NA meeting before really having legal issues, horribl ewithdrawl, and such, all anyone will say is, Wow, wish I had.....