I don't know how to approach therapy about this (TWs)

[SwitchbladeSister]

Trigger warnings: depression, PTSD flashbacks.







Hello,

It's been a long time since I posted on this forum. I don't really know how to write this out, so apologies.

I've been struggling with PTSD pretty badly since I was young (11-ish) and sometimes it feels pretty unbearable and the flashbacks can pop up at any time, relentlessly. Sometimes even if I'm watching a lighthearted movie or show, or reading a book or magazine, I can fall back into old memories. Sometimes it lasts only for a minute, sometimes I get stuck in a hole that can last for hours. It always ends up affecting my moods very badly. These days I often go from 0 to 10 within a split second and it feels like my mood can't stop escalating. I've said many hurtful things to my partner during my episodes, and I have a feeling that this relationship probably can't be repaired.

I don't know how to approach this in therapy. I've been working with the same therapist for over a year now, and I'm starting to get reservations about continuing therapy with them. Don't get me wrong - my therapist is a very nice guy and I do like him personally, but I don't necessarily feel "safe" talking about deeper (often more disturbing) issues.

Anyhow, I'm feeling I eventually need to find a new therapist, but I rarely "connect" with therapists. Like, I always feel really judged and there's rarely any sort of compatibility. (I've had a few shitty/hurtful therapists and psychiatrists in the past, and I have trust issues as is..)

I don't have any friends anymore due to my emotional instability, financial situation, and tendencies to isolate for fear of judgement. Life keeps getting harder and harder. My partner's family, friends, and even my own family are sick of my bullshit. I'm really scared that my life is completely ruined after having gone so long without a job. I'm really scared. And I've been trying therapy and IOPs off and on for so long now, and it doesn't seem to be working. I no longer know WHAT I can do to help myself. I feel completely ruined and damaged. And these PTSD flashbacks/obsessions just keep getting worse. I can't get the painful past things out of my head, it won't leave me alone.

Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for advice as what to do when medications and therapy doesn't seem to help? I've been put on so many different meds... Mental health hotlines don't seem to help as they usually just end up referring me to hospitalization. And I do NOT want to be hospitalized again as another thing that has added to my PTSD was being assaulted in a previous hospitalization this past year. That's actually what got me to write this post, flashbacks from that incident. It feels like I've lost all hope with mental health professionals. But I don't want to die like this.

[Beany Boo]

The difficult feeling you have towards your therapist may be exactly the feeling you need to work through. It may be your go-to feeling when you're exposed to intimacy; or danger. A therapist can help make it into something more helpful to you. But they might be waiting for you to share it; they wait, in my experience.

As a therapist learns more of your particular trauma they are going to be clumsy. Trusting their clumsiness will develop into support is worth giving patience to.