Fantasy

[hobojungle]

I have a hard time with "reality". I felt lonely last night & reached out to someone living thousands of miles from me that I used to know. Our relationship is a pure fantasy high. Knowing that information intellectually & feeling it emotionally are different. Relationships with humans are not my thing & I'm afraid of harming myself & others. Thanks for giving me a place to put this fear.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing!

[hobojungle]

Thank you oak.

I just need to get through this moment. Thank goodness for this place. My family is triggering me.

Negative thoughts I'm having right now:

1) I'm a shit aunt.
2) I'm a shit person.
3) I'm selfish.
4) I use mental illness as an excuse.
5) As an adult, I should be able to advocate for myself easily.
6) There's no real reason for me to behave this way.
7) I should be better.
8) I'm hurting others.
9) There's nothing really wrong with me.
10) I'm self-centered.

[brownblob]

I hate negative thoughts. I've had all those thoughts before. You know of course none of them are true but they sure feel true don't they? Keep hanging in there hobo.

[hobojungle]

Thank you for posting bb.

I've been shutting down. (I think) due to an overwhelming environment. I practice self-care when I'm able. The situation is giving me an opportunity to move imperfectly through my triggers. Leaning hard into fantasy as a coping mechanism. It's complicated. Or that's what I tell myself.

[rivergirl]

Hobo,
You're definitely not alone. I've been using fantasy in this way off and on since I was very young. I remember Paul or someone on the show talking about how it's like a form of substance abuse but you can manufacture the substance in your own brain. Please be kind to yourself right now.

rg

[hobojungle]

Thank you rivergirl.

I'm feeling triggered by my family. But I didn't cause it. I can't control it. & I can't cure it. On the plus side, I am feeling self-compassion. No wonder I'm crazy. It would be crazy if I wasn't crazy.

I made an appointment to see a care provider. It was difficult & I cried after an interminable phone conversation that was probably all of two minutes. I hate phones. The care provider can't see me till October, but in the meantime I will be able to get my meds refilled...once I make another phone call to my old shrink's office.

I aim for better self-care, I accept I cannot solve all problems, & I embrace humor as healthy.

[rivergirl]

I'm glad you're feeling self-compassion and that you took the step to get your medications refilled. Keeping taking care of yourself, Hobojungle. You deserve it.

[brownblob]

Hobo,
I know those phone calls are rough, but it's great to see you taking a step towards taking care of yourself.

[hobojungle]

Thank you for the support rg & bb!

Just made the call for my old shrink to fax records to my new provider. A next step would be getting my insurance card. Things are relatively better. Situations have evolved into tolerability for now, although my girl cat hasn't been seen the past few days & that worries me.

Still in touch with a fantasy human. He lives 3k miles away, so it's easy to invent a life that includes him without knowing who he really is.