Episode 85, Brenda Feehery

[Namu]

Brenda's story was remarkable. It reminded me of other stories I've heard about the wildly different outcomes for victims of violent crimes, depending on the circumstances surrounding the event, the narratives the victim can apply to the event, and the resources for recovery that are available to the victim.

After the interview, Paul read a survey that recounted the respondent having been forced, as a child, to stand still to be photographed, naked and crying, while her family "just thought it was cute." He expressed uncertainty about whether that was sexual abuse, and tentatively concluded that it was not.

One problem with assessing other people's experiences and wounds, even when it's done in the general attempt to support and validate, is that sometimes we'll get it wrong -- either overemphasizing and pathologizing an experience from which a person has actually managed to emerge whole and healthy, or dismissing/minimizing an experience that was traumatic and has crippled a person ever since.

(Another problem with assessing other people's damage -- even when our assessment is meant to reassure and validate -- is that it reinforces the cultural message that other people's agreement/endorsement is an appropriate response to the sharing of a traumatic memory, which tends to create an environment where a rubber stamp from others seems necessary before we can really validate our own experiences.)

I had a set of experiences that resemble what the survey responder described. Decades later, I still haven't found a sense of safety. Just within the last week, I have begun to be newly aware of the strength of my belief that what I want doesn't matter, and how thoroughly that worldview (built partly in response to experiences like being laughed at, naked and displayed, while I cried in shame and in the terror of powerlessness and objectification) ruins my chances of a worthwhile life. Fingers crossed I'll be able to untie that knot over time.

It's just not necessary to evaluate and label other people's experiences. It seems to me that, whatever effect one is trying to achieve by doing so, it's worth finding some other way to get there.

Namu

[brownblob]

I don't recall the episode, but I agree it is not for us to judge what someone else has experienced. Paul does often say that it's not the event that is as important as how it makes you feel, but sometimes he does say things that can diminish what someone feels. I know for me there was an episode where one of the surveys talked about the shame of growing up a bedwetter and Paul said something like "Well if that's your biggest problem you're doing pretty good." Totally invalidating the person's experience. I was a bedwetter as a child and it made me mad when he said it.

I'm sorry for what you had to go through as a child and I hope someday you untie that knot and find some peace.

[bigeekgirl]

@Namu - I'm sorry about what happened to you. You absolutely deserve a worthwhile life.
It's my experience that one story/memory of what might sound like a gray or not traumatic event is sometimes extremely traumatic in context of a lifetime. Without the whole pattern, it's impossible to tell if a situation was harmless or harmful. If there's harm, healing is needed. It took me a long time to admit to myself the seriousness of my childhood trauma since any one antidote doesn't really sound that bad. Add in being constantly treated like an unreliable witness and I thought I was raised in a "safe and stable environment" until my 30s.