afraid to feel disappointed in myself

[manuel_moe_g]

there is a distinction between "I feel disappointed in myself" and "I <AM> a disappointment". The second one is much more devastating than the first.

but I get freaked-out from just the basic statement "I feel disappointed in myself". It doesn't feel safe to say that.

[oak]

Well said. There is quite a difference between those two statements, with any "I am" statements being at the risk of being overly universal and binary (and both of those are dangerous to apply to ourselves.)

Let me offer you this, to consider:

Like my moral hero Goldilocks, "I am" seems, to me anyway, to be too powerful: it is declarative and categorical. That porridge is too hot!

Like the too cool porridge, "I feel disappointed in myself" seems to be missing verbs, adverbs, motion. There is no one thing acting upon another, effecting a second stage or state. Everything is static, and like the cold porridge, lacks motive energy.

Still, it is a solid foundation to begin. To wit:

"I feel disappointed in myself when I [verb/bad habit/moral disappointment]."

That clearly separates you from (a) the feeling of disappointment and (b) the object acted upon (eg the bad habit).

Once you create that space, you can breathe, plan, and then come up with a new plan to have motive power toward the feeling, rather than being at its mercy.

Does this make sense?

[Beany Boo]

I don’t know. I’ve had a few goes at responding.

Coming to terms with different kinds of disappointment may take awhile.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am not disappointed in myself, today! Of course, it is early. I woke up pretty early at 5:50am, and I did some stretches on my yoga mat that were easy on my knees and wrists, when I was the only person awake yet, all in all perfect. I want daily physical activity to be part of my life, this is an excellent place to start, me and my therapist agreed.

When I do something that disappoints myself, I will try to really _sit_ with it, and soak in the feeling of being disappointed in an <ACTION> that I performed in the <PAST>, and soak in the distinction between that and <BEING> a disappointment.

I shouldn't have to wait long for the opportunity!

[manuel_moe_g]

i am not impressed with myself, feeling mentally tired

[Beany Boo]

Stop in place and wait until you’ve recharged sufficiently. Then kindly contemplate the step in front of you.

[manuel_moe_g]

ate too much, don't feel like programming, feel a little bit "off" mentally, so that is not great for programming

i shouldn't have eaten so much

hey, what do you guys do when you feel you are letting yourself down, activity-wise?

i am trying to be compassionate, will do butterfly-hug

[manuel_moe_g]

trying Pomodoro productivity technique https://www.google.com/search?q=pomodoro+technique

right now using iPhone app "Tide" https://tide.fm/

i spent 25 minutes cleaning my workspace

i didn't do any exercise today, maybe i will take a quick little walk around the block

[snoringdog]

Hello Manny,

I'd heard about the 25 minute intervals, didn't know what it was called... need to read up.
But I did try it a few times, and it seems to work both ways -

If unmotivated to do something, "Hey it's only 25 minutes, that's not so long..."

Or if I'm doing a task and am starting to spin my wheels or somehow becoming unproductively fixated, it's a reminder to take a break.

The only trouble is that when I'm *in* a groove, the timer keeps interrupting me, and it gets annoying

[manuel_moe_g]

Some insights from yesterday's therapy session:

• If I am going to get into rhythm of Pomodoro productivity technique, lets start with 25 minutes work, and 40 minutes break. It is ridiculous, but, heh, beats zero minutes work anyday. I have the rest of my life to balance out work and break time, the important thing is to get into a habit and a rhythm.
• A big one was the realization that my inner child is probably very compassionate to my adult self, and understands that my adult self it trying his best. So keep trying to have daily check-ins with my inner child, and don't sweat the days i forget.
• The concept of me and my inner child being enmeshed (not ideal) and the concept of me and my inner child being differentiated (this is ideal). When me and my inner child are enmeshed, if my little one feels fear, it knocks out the adult me. If they are differentiated, however, the adult me can tend to the fear of my inner child and be effective while doing it. There is evidence that I and my inner child are becoming more differentiated, which is good. I guess it happened slowly and automatically while I was working to honor my inner child.
• my little inner child has a hang-up about being expected to do stuff that he just cannot do. I remember this happening in my childhood several times, and feeling some slight trauma about it.

I waed to put up is a screenshot image of part of my mindmap, talking about places my therapist expects us to visit in upcoming sessions, but Imgur is down right now, here is a text dump:

Code: Select all

the near future therapy sessions, topics
	self acceptance
		start loving the little parts of me
			things will appear as signals from little Manuel and other parts of me
		good for depressive and anxious thoughts
	fear of disappointment
		in younger self
		the difference between "being disappointed in my actions because not productive" and "I <AM> a disappointment"
	grief
		grief about want didn't happen
			a loss
			the little Manuel has no one
				wishes for:
					guidance
					comfort
					acceptance
	magical thinking
		comfort zone
			signal from him: afraid, fearful
			don't be mean taking it away from little Manuel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am feeling kinda hopeful about today. Got in some steps. Wish me luck.