Racked by anxiety: Buspirone, HALT, movement.

[oak]

Hi friends.

I've been overwhelmed by grief and anxiety for about ten days.

While I usually take 5-10 mg daily of my prescribed 20 mg of Buspar, lately I've been averaging 15-20 mg.

My guess is that this is caused by knowing that I'll soon have to return to society, having started the vaccination.

Whatever the cause, I am trying to hang on. In addition to my deeply beloved Buspar, I hope to watch my hunger/HALT, and maybe get moving a little more.

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for listening.

[manuel_moe_g]

good luck to you, Oak.

my weekend was surprisingly grief free, which left me with extra spoons. i will use my spoons up sorting my to-do list by priority, i can sense me managing my mood instead of facing my fears head-on, which is a sign i wan't to avoid a task.

i will dump what is in my head in this forum as i prioritize.

you are an inspiration, Oak

[remarks]

It's interesting how we traded in many of our regular anxieties for new ones about a year ago. Now we're coming back around to the old ones. The "new normal" isn't new for many of us.

[oak]

Thank you, as always, Manuel Moe and Remarks. How much of my mental health is this community: 30%? 50%?

Three thoughts:

1. RiverGirl's Excellent Example
2. Magic and Power of the Humble Notecard
3. Let's Not Pretend Nothing Happened

1. RiverGirl's Excellent Example

I am very appreciative of RiverGirl's honesty and courage in discussing her harrowing weekends. My Wednesday and Thursday night differ in degree but not kind. I give myself patience because this is Wednesday night.

2. Magic and Power of the Humble Notecard

On a typical 3x5 card I wrote: "1. Shower/shave/clean clothes 2. Eat 3. Ice water 4. Turn on A/C 5. Buspar 6. Tai Chi"

Those are my runaway-train of thoughts; something of a little brakeman, trying to slow down the careening.

3. Let's Not Pretend Nothing Happened

At the dentist a few weeks back the (kind) hygeniest noted that I had more plaque this time around than usual. There was no judgment, but also conveniently ignoring that we have survived, so far, a worldwide plague.

Half a million Americans died in the last year. Thousands more survived but are permanently disabled.

Are we already pretending that we didn't have a once in a lifetime trauma? Perhaps suddenly being away from society for a year will have consequences, including the comparatively minor outcome of decreased dental self-care. Perhaps?

Rant

So just like AIDS in the 80's and opiates recently, we'll just sweep all this under the rug. Blame the victims and examine nothing. I am perfectly capable of increased dental-self care: I had been doing it faithfully until 2021. Gee, what happened then?

So that's how it is, the Narcissist's Prayer all over again, updated for a post-COVID world: nothing happened, and if something did happen they had it coming.

This society is sick. We insist on learning nothing, again and again.

[Beany Boo]

I’ve notice it a couple of times now; where you’re in a position where you need something from a person in a position of trust. And they take that opportunity (while you’re a captive audience) to say something. Something on paper, that could be read as innocuous. But when said live, is triggering.

I have the same problem. I say my problem but it’s actually a common ‘failing’ in people. And, authority figures, regularly, don’t conduct themselves well under pressure.

It may continue to be a trigger, one that all you can do is manage. Ideally, some triggers become superpowers. At least for myself, I have low expectations of that.

Grief and power mix to unpredictable effect.

[remarks]

Oak,

I don't think we (as a society) will be able to process what we've been through in the past year for a while. I'm guessing it will be 5-10 years (assuming things go back to fairly normal soon) when we can truly measure the impact of the pandemic on our mental health. It's almost like most of the world will have some form of PTSD from this. I guess we won't be alone in our struggles, if that counts for anything.

[rivergirl]

Hey Oak,

You've done a great job of hanging on through an unprecedented year. You have the right to feel anxiety, grief, and exhaustion.



I looked for spoons to send you, but I guess these sporks will have to do, sigh.

Oh, and here's a sappy but sincere group hug.



Take care, Oak, and make sure you allow yourself to rest & recharge when the spoons (or sporks) are in short supply.

rg

[snoringdog]

Hello RG,

Your post made me smile, then laugh!

Hope it has the same effect on Oak!

[oak]

Thank you, dear friends, for standing by me during this difficult week. I cherish each of your kind and thoughtful replies. And yes, I do like the sporks: spoons with a little bit of bite.

Here is what will have to count for good news:

1. Thursday I felt... normal.

2. My plan, mostly effected: 15-20 mg of Buspar daily, and desultory (in practice) tai chi or bo staff exercises.

Then, just a moment ago, I had two simultaneous emotions:

a. Crushing grief and loneliness.

b. Deep gratitude for the homemade carnitas tacos (with fresh pico) I was about to eat.

Grief and gratitude: that sums up my life this week!

[oak]

Hi friends. I am doing better. The 15 mg of Buspar a day seems to help, and I'm taking back agency for actions I let slide during the last year. I'm at two weeks since my first vaccine, so I am all the more careful to avoid Covid since I am so close.

Thanks for standing by me. Your encouragement, your posts here make a difference.