Fearful

[AngryInnerCrybaby]

I compromised my anonymity with a few friends by sending the podcast to them in which Paul reads my survey. I told them that was my story (they already knew the story, but I wanted them to hear Paul read it).

A few days later, I answered several more surveys using my same username. One in particular is something I do not want my friends to know. I can't believe I sent that survey with the same name I used on the one I sent to my friends.

They do not listen to the pod, as far as I know, but I basically introduced them to it by sending them the link. What if they listen, and he reads the survey? What I shared is my deepest, darkest secret, although I have told my husband and therapists. I wrote to Paul through the website Wednesday night to ask him not to read that survey, but I have not received any response.

I am obsessing. I am able to go long periods of time without thinking about it, but tomorrow is the new episode, and I'm scared. I haven't been taking care of myself this week the way I normally do. I've neglected some self-care rituals, I believe because I'm subconsciously -- and sometimes consciously -- freaked out. My dreams have been bizarre, the types of dreams I have when I am under a lot of stress and feel I am not in control.

Thanks for reading.

[oak]

Hi! Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you got this all out.

Anxieties, such as the ones you describe, are wholly reasonable. Anyone would feel the way you do. You are fully human.

That said, you have every reason to believe this will turn out okay.

Mr. Gilmartin is good about reading emails.

If he doesn’t read the surveys, then you’re good.

If your friends happen to not hear the episode(s), then you’re good.

If your friends do hear the episode(s), they may skip/miss the surveys, and then you’re good.

If they do hear it, and they’re okay with the content, then you’re good.

If they do hear it and aren’t okay with it (unlikely, but I suppose possible), then you have a place to start a dialogue. A dialogue based on you owning your truth.

I’m 46, have seen lots in this life, and I’ve never seen bad come from honesty.

We need to be tactful, of course, but honesty has a way of being beautiful. People recognize honesty, and are very forgiving.

If you do owe amends, be sure to listen, apologize, and make it right.

Owning your honesty hurts sometimes, just like cleaning a wound is painful, short-term.

My guess is that your psyche knew that it was riskier to keep these secrets bottled up, then to bring them out into the light.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, we are wishing the very best outcome for you

I will pray you are allowed some rest from worry, you don’t deserve the anxiety eating away at you

[AngryInnerCrybaby]

Good news. I was worried for no reason. I actually wrote the survey using a different name. I am smarter than I think I am -- and apparently quite forgetful.

I am truly grateful he did read it and commented on it. I cried big crocodile tears. Forgiving myself has never been easy for me. Is it for anyone? I will work on it.

Thank you for your kindness to me.

[manuel_moe_g]

You deserve kindness and all the good things, take care

[AngryInnerCrybaby]

‘Twas much ado about nothing, after all. Thanks for being there for me. Hope you both are well.

[snoringdog]

I have to say, I stand in awe of Oak's reply to you, Angry.

Oak, you are the man.

[AngryInnerCrybaby]

It was very helpful! Just what I needed to hear.