Why do I still need reassurance that my friend likes me?

[SpecJoe Magic]

Here is some background. I met a guy in the middle of September who has quickly become the best friend I have ever had. We both really enjoy being around each other. We talk in depth about all kinds of topics, including our inner struggles and our relationships with other people. Being around him makes me feel so good. He is aware of my mental illness.

I have been dealing with what I thought was depression for almost a decade, but now I think I was misdiagnosed. I was taking an anti-depressant that I finally realized was causing nasty side effects, so I stopped taking it. Quitting the medication has been a positive action overall. I believe that what I really suffer from is bipolar disorder.

For a long time, I was unmotivated to seek out professional help, but I finally decided after much procrastination that I should return to therapy, so that I can be evaluated for bipolar disorder (and maybe also Asperger's Syndrome, but that is a story for another time). When I told my friend about my appointment to see a psychologist, he was overjoyed. He told me how glad he is that I am going to get help, and I could tell that he felt relief from where he had been concerned about me. Then he gave me a very affectionate hug. That wasn't the first time that we've hugged, but it was definitely the most heartfelt. Also, I initiated the previous hugs, so I was very surprised and pleased with his reaction.

So, he obviously cares about me deeply, but I still cannot shake the feeling that he might become tired of me and lose interest in our friendship. Sometimes when we text back and forth, he will type something different than what I expect. It is never anything negative, but I don't like it when I cannot sense exactly what he means and what he is feeling. I can usually get a good sense of how he is feeling through nonverbal cues and tone of voice, but texting does not allow for that. Sometimes I begin to feel stressed about what I perceive as potential problems, but I can usually keep the feelings from getting too out of hand. I know deep down that it is my mental illness that is making me feel this way, but these negative feelings are so intense that it makes me crave almost constant reassurance from him that he still likes me and wants to continue to be my friend for a long time. It is such a strange feeling.

I hope this all makes sense in the way that I have explained it. Does anyone else know what I am talking about? Have you ever had or do you currently have a similar situation? If so, what did you do or what are you doing about it? Your input would be much appreciated.

[pattywhack13]

I know what that feels like, I'm going through something similar right now. My best friend and I are roommates, and I can't shake the feeling like talking to him about my problems or about what I'm going through is tiresome and a waste of his valuable time (despite multiple instances of him telling me otherwise).

I usually find that what I'm doing is applying my own insecurities about myself (i.e. feeling unlikable, annoying, buzz-kill, etc.) to whatever he says, so that it sounds like he's saying something to try and distance himself from me, or doing something to stay away, which just fulfills my faulty expectations of him that I harbored in the first place: that he doesn't want to hang out with me because I'm depressing.

This has never proven to be true, even though it feels like it is sometimes. Here's some strategies I use to sate my curiosity:

1. I ask him. Instead of doing mental gymnastics trying to figure out what somebody is thinking, why not try coming right out and asking him how he feels? It makes me feel needy sometimes, but sometimes it's best to use the truth to disspell a self-fulfilling prophecy.

2. I tell myself that it's not my place to know what's going on in his head. It's his brain, not mine, and trying to put together a mental image of how he sees me is a form of judgement. I'm judging him to be a person who doesn't understand and who doesn't care about my problems (which I know he does), and I judge myself by putting my own self-hatred into my evaluation of what he's thinking. Neither of these two things are fair. That's why, when I ask him about what he's thinking, I feel like I'm respecting the both of us. I got a lot of the insight about this from listening to episode the with Paul F. Tompkins, especially when he mentions Jeff Garlin and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Don't fall into a trap of doing this in a self-hating way though: I did that once, getting angry at myself for trying to put words in his mouth. I later realized that I was pushing myself away to avoid the negative answer I was anticipating from him.

These two help me a lot, and I hope you find a use for them!

[CBM89]

"
So, he obviously cares about me deeply, but I still cannot shake the feeling that he might become tired of me and lose interest in our friendship. Sometimes when we text back and forth, he will type something different than what I expect. It is never anything negative, but I don't like it when I cannot sense exactly what he means and what he is feeling. I can usually get a good sense of how he is feeling through nonverbal cues and tone of voice, but texting does not allow for that. Sometimes I begin to feel stressed about what I perceive as potential problems, but I can usually keep the feelings from getting too out of hand. I know deep down that it is my mental illness that is making me feel this way, but these negative feelings are so intense that it makes me crave almost constant reassurance from him that he still likes me and wants to continue to be my friend for a long time. It is such a strange feeling.
"

Texting can be that way. Just some practical advice: just call! Obviously the short single-question/planning calls are on their way out, culturally, but I think if you're good friends with someone you can totally go for it. If I need/want to hear back from a close friend about something, I don't text, because...well, exactly like you said, texting doesn't allow all kinds of cues we get from simply hearing another person's voice.

[ididthatonce]

It's like you're telling my life story!

I was convinced for MONTHS that my boyfriend was upset with me for being depressed, or was getting tired of my complaining, or was not interested in me anymore but felt guilty about leaving a depressed person, or was just staying with me as a joke. We've been dating for six months! If it was a joke, it wouldn't have lasted nearly this long!

I also go through phases of worrying that my parents are angry at me for needing so much attention while I'm going through a rough patch. I was literally calling up my mom crying every day for a good week because I was so stressed out, and I would cry myself to sleep afterwards because I was convinced that I was being a drain on her energy. I only snapped out of it when she yelled at me that she's THERE to take care of me.

If I may ask (and you totally don't have to answer this), did you ever have trouble with fake friends as a kid? Like, did anyone ever pretend to be your friend so they could make fun of you behind your back? I had that all the time as a child, and that's where about 90% of my issues with trusting my peers come from. Always convinced that the turnaround is on the way and they're going to tell me that it was a joke all along. Sigh.

[MizLzie]

If I may ask (and you totally don't have to answer this), did you ever have trouble with fake friends as a kid? Like, did anyone ever pretend to be your friend so they could make fun of you behind your back? I had that all the time as a child, and that's where about 90% of my issues with trusting my peers come from. Always convinced that the turnaround is on the way and they're going to tell me that it was a joke all along.

This is so me. I have a lot of trust issue, and the above is a huge part of that. I'm currently struggling with an issue relating to friends. Broke up with a bf of just over a year and in the month or so that I was "figuring things out" (my feelings weren't important apparently and I needed time to think instead of being sure of my position at that time - different topic), he become incredibly close with friends of mine that I introduced him to. I'm convinced that soon enough I'll be pushed to be bottom of the pile and he'll have this great group of people that I'm now losing.

I know it's ridiculous and that people can be friends with whomever they want, but I can't help that I feel resentment towards them. So I'm pulling away, which is going to make my prediction even more accurate... Nice little cycle I've set myself up in. Just today I changed my settings on Facebook so I don't see their gushy friend fest (see the anger there???) all the time. Not like I'm going to ask them to not be friends, no matter how badly I want to, it also makes me feel like a terrible person. Rambling... focus....

I am constantly seeking validation that the people in my life actually want to be in my life. That I matter. Couple with social anxiety and introversion that is getting more intense every year and it's a constant struggle. It's harder now with my peers having families, it's hard to remember that their lives are really busy and a silent phone doesn't mean we aren't wanted. That sometimes we have to pick up the phone or write that email, they are waiting to hear from us.

[LittleOrphanMissy]

I very much relate to this post and much of the replies. I am beyond tired of the mental, emotional and actual gymnastics required in life. I just don't have the wherewithal - so the option I am leaning towards is putting my Affairs in order and checking out. If I stuck around, I would have to construct the wall, aka, be a bitch, in order to keep things going.
It is frustrating and hard for me to reconcile with man's inhumanity to man on a personal and a global level. I don'T want to keep fighting for unconditional love and respect. No one should have to and I don't want to anymore.


I don't see a true way out of this, so I limp from one session with my therapist to the next... Hoping that he of some other external event can keep the despondency at bay. I am sorry I don't have helpful comments here, I am just as lost myself.
All the best to you.