fighting depression

[ashley]

Hello. I have really been fight depression for the past year and a half or so, and I've just recently started to "emerge" from that dark place I was in. I left my husband about 2 years ago. He was the first person I ever dated and the the only person I had had sex with. I wasn't allowed to have friends, he didn't like to see my family, he didn't like that I worked and I wasn't allowed to talk about my job (I LOVE my job.) I felt he was very controlling and I was at the point of considering suicide as opposed to getting a divorce because I felt my family would disown me. I was standing in the shower with a razor blade in my hand and was unable to go through with it. I started cheating on my husband in hopes that he would find out and kill me. My family believes that I was over-reacting and that his anger towards me and his controlling behavior was normal and I have had a very hard time coping with that.

I have been in two "relationships" and fell in love almost immediately. Of course, neither of those relationships worked out which threw me into a deeper depression. The first guy I dated manipulated me and used me for sex. The second guy left me because I told him I cheated on my husband. I work with the second guy and I shared my sexual past with him. I told him the name of one of my sexual encounters because he knows him. This particular sexual encounter was with a guy who I got drunk with one night, blacked out and when I woke we were having sex. I told him to stop but he was drunk too and I suppose it didn't register with him. To me it felt like rape. The guy I was dating told everyone I work with which brought up these horrible feelings that go along with "rape" or whatever it should be called. When I found out everyone knew I was at home and started shaking and collapsed on the floor and cried for hours. I am so embarrassed that I don't like showing my face at work anymore. When both of these guys broke up with me I was very depressed. I would text them constantly. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of how I handled things with them. I feel like everyone looks at me and thinks I'm crazy. I no longer trust anyone. My problems are so small compared to others here and I am ashamed that I feel so badly about these things.

I have some issues with my mom and I'm so afraid that I will end up being just like her. It is my greatest fear. I am clawing my way out of this latest depression but I'm afraid that it won't last long and I will slip back into depression again. I just want to be happy and make other people happy but right now I feel so alone.

[weary]

Hi Ashley. It sounds like you have been through some terrible experiences, and it certainly is understandable that you would be struggling to feel OK under those circumstances. It is really admirable that you had the courage to leave your husband rather than continue to suffer in that kind of relationship.

I just want to be happy and make other people happy but right now I feel so alone.

It's not your responsibility to make other people happy - but if you make yourself happy, the people that care about you will probably be happy about that! And you are not alone in reality, no matter how alone you feel - there are people on here who will listen and share their experiences.

[penny]

hi ashley,

oh my gosh what you have been through would test anyone's resolve. that's absolutely horrific. it is wonderful that you chose to continue living, and although it may not feel like a comfort, it shows a real strength that will help you grow into a better life for yourself in future. are you still in the same job? do you have any 'allies' you can turn to for support there?

i know that there are a lot of grey areas with sex and consent, but in my opinion what you've been through was absolutely rape. you did not give consent, and he certainly didn't look for it. have you checked out 'RAIN'? www.rainn.org-- they could lead you to some support from your experience. i hope this doesn't seem like a silly suggestion, but i think you should try reading 'The Colour Purple'--even though it's fiction, it might give you some comfort.

xx
penny

[ashley]

Thanks for your comments. Weary I do have a problem with wanting to please other people so good catch. Penny I do not have any real allies at my job. I am in the process of changing jobs and hopefully that helps. I will check out that website and the book, thank you. I have been thinking a lot about my death lately. I know I will not commit suicide but I find myself hoping I will die some other way and find some relief. I don't know how to get better.

[penny]

ashley--sorry so long responding--don't get to the boards often. how are you feeling lately? i understand that feeling well, unfortunately, of just wishing for any kind of relief. physical movement sometimes helps me get out of my own head temporarily--walks or yoga (not to diminish the seriousness of your situation at all--just a tiny coping mechanism for me). so glad to hear you're in the process of changing jobs. i wish you all the luck you can get with that.

[ashley]

Penny,

I recently started seeing a therapist. I have been once so far and I am hopeful that this will help. I have started exercising everyday, too, so thank you for the advice. I still feel depressed but it is less often than before. It's funny because right now one week seems like a year. So many things change right now for me day to day. I think finding a new job will solve many of my problems so hopefully I will find one soon. Thank you, having you to talk to and reading what others are going through helps so much.

Ashley