Hi there

[Leif]

Hi

I wrote a long introduction and then lost it. I suppose that's what I get for not saving my work, hah.

I'm terrible at knowing what to say or not to say in introductions so I'll try to keep it simple. But probably do horribly.

I'm Leif. I'm a 23 year old transman (female assigned at birth, now presenting as male). Or just very genderqueer. It's a complicated thing. I live in a very small town in Australia but I'm American and grew up in Las Vegas, Nv. I was sexually abused by two people starting around the age of two. It lasted a few years. I first thought of killing myself when I was about four. I've been in and out of mental hospitals/homes/doctors offices and on and off medication of all kinds since. My parents refer to my time spent in homes/hospitals as times where I went away to "camp". They don't Believe in mental illness. Mental illness is a "rich persons problem" my mom says. But that's an entirely different story. If you haven't guessed already, I was also verbally/emotionally/mentally abused by my mom.

I moved away from home when I was 19. It was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. I was able to start therapy on my own terms. And it was pretty awesome while it lasted. I'm not currently in therapy or on medication at the moment. I've been diagnosed with a number of things but the stars of my show are Major Depression, Anxiety, and a sprinkling of OCD.

My most recent dive into depression was spurred by breaking up with my boyfriend of over two years. If there's a such thing as true love it's honestly what I believe I had for him. We're still best friends. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing. It sucks to see someone you love slowly move on. It's like watching a cup break in slow motion. Falling further and further away until it shatters. Well that sounds dramatic. I tend to do that. I think too much, make situations seem far more horrible then they really are. I spend way too much time in my own head.

My real problem is that I know I'm not special. An endless amount of people have the same problems that I do. There is noting unique about my situation. And the sameness makes me feel so very alone. That whole "and when everyone is special, no one is" type thing. Accept backwards.

Dang I can be a downer sometimes. Sorry for that.

But anyhoo. Yes. Thanks for the time. And hello.

[Pepper]

Hi Leif, nice to meet you.
Hope you are doing well
Xxx

[ironhorse]

Hi Leif,
I'm glad that you found this site. I think it's one of the best boosters for all of us 'wack jobs' (and I mean that in the gentlest way possible)
I think Dr. Seuss said it best: " no one in this world is you-er than you" or something like that. Of course your situation is unique! But in a gruesome way I think it would be somewhat 'comforting' for lack of a better word, to know that (too many) others have gone through the same pain.
I think it's killer awesome that you live in Australia! So many people couldn't even dream about being there. Do you like it better than the States? And I think your visual about the breaking cup is very poetic. I think one good thing about we with mental disorders is that we can be very creative. And we're definitely never boring - so that's two things.
This forum is very helpful especially when we're feeling really cruddy. I've heard that it's healthy mentally to write or type out our feelings, problems, dreams. fears and wants. If we get feedback for it that's even better. If you feel like shit and want to tell us, go right ahead an do it! I don't know how many people are members but guaranteed that at least one ONE person out here knows exactly how you feel. Believe me, it was very wise of you to join this site: the more you come here and the more podcasts you listen to, the more you will understand that, as Paul loves to say, you are not alone! There are times when I don't believe it either.When my brain malfunctions and when I listen to him say that, it sounds petty; like he's got it all figured out. It's as pathetic as hearing someone actually telling me that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! Oh, give me a break!
But trust me on this. To hear and read actual confessions and statements from real people, I hope it will pacify that lonely pit.
You've come a long way and you're only 23. You have a long way to go, but know that you have friends out here that are interested in knowing what Roo meat tastes like. Just wanted to see if you were still listening! You know what I mean.
Do take care of yourself. It can only get better from here.

[Leif]

Thank you for the welcomes,
Australia is a pretty nice place to live, as a whole it's great. This'll be my second Christmas here coming up and I don't think I'll ever get used to it being in the middle of the summer. They actually Do sell kangroo meat in sausage, steak, and ground form. I swear it must be the only country that actually eats its national animal.
I think mental disorder force us to have to express ourselves in different ways, it definitely makes people interesting.
Thank you for your words, and I agree, it really does help talking to and listening to other people. It helps put things into perspective.