Not sure what to say...

[redhawk24]

...but here goes! (Sorry in advance, I have a feeling I'm just going to start rambling)

Let's start with the basics. I'm a 23 year old, straight male. I was turned on to the pod when Paul went on the Nerdist podcast recently, and I went through and downloaded and listened to a handful of the episodes with people that I have heard elsewhere and am definitely going to keep this in my listening rotation as I feel it could really help me.

I have been dealing with depression since I was about 12 years old. My family didn't really understand it at first, and my mother has since told me that she thought I was faking it to get attention. I did go to therapy at that point, and didn't have any more issues until the summer before my junior year of high school, when I attempted suicide while staying at my grandparent's house. (Yes, that detail matters because it brought back the doing it for attention issues and has caused strain with my family that still exists until this day.) I went to therapy again at this stage, and everything seemed to be on the right path. I was even able to keep my shit together long enough to finally get my first girlfriend in November of that year. (Met her on a college visit and the relationship was long distance.) By the time my senior year of high school rolled around, everything seemed great. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, w.here I was going to go to college, and had the girl of my dreams planning to go there with me. But in December of my senior year (2007), everything changed. On her way to visit me, she was hit and killed by a drunk driver. If that wasn't bad enough, her parents blamed me, and as such didn't give me any information regarding her services (it would have been hard for me to make it anyway, but that's not the point) and I still to this day don't know where she was buried. (I have made the decision that it is not worth it to dig that up).

Without saying, that spiraled me back into my depression. I failed a class for the first time in my life, which made it so I almost wasn't able to graduate even though I had a 3.7 gpa (out of 4). Thanks to a few good friends, I was able to get things together enough to graduate, and I was ready to move on to college and put everything behind me. The problem is I didn't (couldn't) properly process everything and it eventually came and bit me in the ass. On the one year anniversary of her death, I started to break down again. I was ready to take my own life, but I decided to write out everything that I was feeling, just to make sure that people understood what was on my mind. What started out as a suicide note turned into a poem, which I shared with the people who were helping me. I fought through my issues to stay because I didn't want to put them through what I had gone through.

The following fall, I was still dealing with my depression (and it was affecting my grades), so I decided it was in my best interests to take a medical withdrawal to take care of myself. While in therapy at this point, not only did I work out coping mechanisms, but my medication was changed from Zoloft to Cymbalta (I was prescribed the Zoloft after trying suicide). I managed to get better with my depression in terms of avoiding suicidal thoughts, but I still had motivation issues. So, after I got back in school from the medical withdrawal, I was placed on academic suspension after a semester because my grades were too low. But, one good thing did happen to me in that semester I was back in school. While working with the admissions department, I connected with a girl who was applying to my school. We hit it off, and eventually I asked her out. While long-distance relationships are tough, at that point (and to this day) it's all I really know. (That's another issue for later on) During the time I was forced to miss, I decided to change my major from something I'd be good at and make money doing to something that I actually loved and wanted to do. (Political Science to Sports Journalism). I made it back to school in the fall of 2011, and things were going great for me. I was happy in my new major and growing relationship. Everything was going great until this past July, when the relationship ended. She wasn't able to get the financial aid to go to my school (she was out of state), and decided to end the relationship because she didn't want to do long distance any more. (I recently found out she started dating another guy pretty much right away. While that taints the memory of our relationship a bit, it did make it easier to move on.) But, with that lost love, the motivation issues came back. I wasn't able to focus on my schoolwork, and failed two classes. And, last week, I found out that I have been academically dismissed from my college. So, now I'm once again in the position where I need to reevaluate where I want to go with my life.

So here's where I'm building from:
-I've been in and out of suicidal thought mode since I was dismissed from school. While I'm not feeling suicidal at the moment, it may come back and I need to be ready to ask for help.
-I've never had a "real" relationship, and I don't really have the self-confidence to ask anyone out in person. I've tried dating sites, but haven't had any success.
-I don't know what, if any, schooling I'll pursue in the future. I want to do something with my life that has meaning. I've tasted what I want to do, but I don't know if I'll be able to get back in school for it.
-My parents are starting to come around understanding my depression, and my dad has even confided in me that he deals with it as well. Also, while it hasn't been diagnosed, both he and some counselors have noticed some anxiety disorder tendencies in me as well. I will probably move back in with them at some point while I figure myself out.

Sorry for the short novel, but it felt good to get this off of my chest, as I really haven't talked to anybody in a while.

[redhawk24]

One more note: I've been off of my medication since fall 2011 because I have been without health insurance since that time.

[inmymind]

Hi Redhawk,

I read your poem and your posts. That is a real up and down time you have had. It seems that maybe, in addition to getting counseling and maybe back on some medications, that you should look at connecting more with a few people as friends. I say this because when you had girlfriends, you seemed to relax and be happier. Relationships can make you feel wonderful, but you don't want all your eggs in one basket. Build your support system of family and friends. Be active. Eat right, sleep right, and exersize. Join some meetup groups at meetup.com to go hiking or whatever you like. Keep peddling the bike of life down the road because it's a hell of a lot easier to balance and moving bike, and a moving life.