No Hope

[muaddib87]

I quite honestly have no idea why I am doing this. It seems transcendentally foolish and painfully selfish to send this off to you all. I think I just want to admit what I am feeling to someone who has no control/influence over my life (or even any idea who I am). So in short what I am saying is that I apologize for being such a selfish failure. Hopefully this isn't too painful and whiny.

About three months ago, my girlfriend of three years, whom I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with, left me after admitting to an affair. This revelation turned my already difficult life upside-down. I acknowledge that the relationship was having difficulties due to our very busy schedules, my insecurity in securing a full time teaching position (and inadequacy from working as a sub and in a stupid retail job), and her fear stemming from her impending graduation from college. My lack of positivity from that and other reasons put a strain, but I was working hard to fix myself. I tried to put my full self into the relationship, and in that I think I was quite successful (having more time I tried to upkeep the house pay the bills etc). I know I was clingy but it was difficult being alone all the time just working(especially after my support network moved away for their careers). I feel like a huge screw up for listing all these terrible failures and trying to excuse them. I know I am the failure, the terrible person who is undeserving of love. Whatever, the bottom line: totally my fault.

I feel like the biggest failure alive. I am having this crazy existential crisis. I feel like I still want a family (which was my ultimate goal in working so hard in school/life/ect), but I am horrified of something like this happening again. I fear that I am unworthy of having someone, but l am afraid of sharing this much of myself and getting close to someone again. I am afraid God/fate/karma is punishing me for some awful transgression, or maybe I am incapable of maintaining relationships.

I feel like I want to die, but I can’t bring myself to do something so bloody rash; all I can do is pray that I'll finally die. Instead I resort to trying to destroy my body physically hoping the pain will mask the emotional pain. Honestly all it does is make me look stupid. I have to go out of my way to hide the cutting scars, and damaged knuckles, and it only kind of helps.

I loved and cared so much for her (a huge risk I know), I was excited for a future with someone so amazing, I would, and did, give everything I could to enrich her life to take care of her. It had truly devastated me, I am a true failure. I've had to move home which is the biggest nightmare. I feel detached, and alone, like there is no one alive that truly cares. I'm sure I still have friends, but I feel no connection to them and haven't for awhile now. This scares me, but despite this detachment I cling and live in constant paranoia that they really hate me, and are seconds from totally abandoning me. I've reached out to a couple, but I'm so afraid that I've over used them, and they can't stand me. I can't fix a damned fucking thing. I feel weak, stupid, worthless, lonely, and like a failure.

I want to know that there is hope, and that I’m not condemned to this miserable hell forever. I am incredibly sorry again. I am sorry if any of this causes you distress, or any pain. Sorry I am such an annoying pain.

Thank you

[MizLzie]

Sending some love to you muaddib87

I JUST posted my feelings about friendships that echos what you have written, you are definitely not alone.

I am sincerely sorry that you are in such pain. Can relate to that hollow, sinking feeling of being a problem and a failure. So much so. There is hope though, I would strongly recommend at least trying to reach out to those who you call friends. There may be someone there going through the same thing, or can at least relate. It's HARD. Hard to drop that guard and ask for a shoulder, but you never know what you might find.

You are a person deserving of love and acceptance, there will be others who feel the same way. You are definitely not a pain, just someone IN pain.

Welcome to the forum!

[oak]

Hugs, muad.

There is hope. Definitely.

If you failed, it is a "failure" in sense of a hoped-for outcome not matching reality. Failure is an event, an outcome, and you are a person.

You are not alone: I have also been trying to get into entry level education jobs, while working retail. (Contrary to the stereotype, I have found the retail jobs affirming, but results may vary.)

As far as women and dating, please consider this: whatever first attracted your ex, you still have those qualities. And trust me, there are plenty of women to date out there.

But still, you are in alot of pain. All I have to offer you is:

You are not alone.
It gets better.

While those are not original, they are true.

Hang in there.

[muaddib87]

First thank you for your kind (though I feel undeserved) responses. It does break my heart to see others in pain (to be honest if I could suffer, and have everyone else happy I would in a heart beat), and I am so sorry for your hardships. You all have my best wishes, hopes, and if needed support. If anyone needs someone to complain/cry/talk/etc to please feel free to pm me, and I will be happy to help. Now on to the wimpy weak whinny bullshit.

This has all left me quite debilitated. I fear that I am impossible to love, that I’ll never have friends, a lover, etc. I have started to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, because why else would someone treat someone they care about like this I feel I’ve never been truly loved, never been missed or liked by anyone. I’m lost, lonely, and quite scared. I have reached out to only a couple friends, but fear that my sadness info dump has caused them to dislike me. I hope that it is just me being paranoid, but I am not sure. I’m quite scared that I’ll never see the girl again (which would be very depressing). I was kind of triggered by this Shakespeare quote I read something along the lines of never play with other’s feelings, for you may lose them for a lifetime. While I feel I did not play with feelings per say, I do fear that I will lose her forever.
I think a small part of me knows things can’t be shitty forever, but it damn well feels like it now. I feel like my dreams/hopes/etc. were all too damn lofty. What I, selfishly, want/wanted was to have an ok job, some friends, and the chance to build a family. Now those goals seem super impossible.
I have tried to secure a therapist, but have hit a few snags. The first guy, I just did not feel, and did not return after a poor initial visit. Now the second one, she requires that I start on medication before I see her. This smacks as silly, as I am not diagnosed with anything. It is all quite frustrating; I have finally (just barely) felt that I might be worthy of help (although not really because I’ve never had any real issues and all of my problems are of my own making, and as my parents have made abundantly clear I have nothing to be sad about.) Yeah it all makes me feel like a failure like I have no right to be unhappy, and like I’m a monster for causing her to lie and cheat, and just full of self-hate, and pretty angry with myself.

Thank you again for suffering through my insufferable ramblings.

[manuel_moe_g]

Medication, under supervision, _can_ be a responsible course without a full diagnosis, because a full diagnosis might be a long time in coming, and many present-day anti-depressants have a small chance of negative reactions compared to their chance of improving mood enough for positive actions to take placed.

You are the expert on your own situation. Please take care. You are being asked to carry a burden of pain and suffering out of the blue, and it isn't a fair thing to ask.

We here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow. Please continue to use our little forum as a resource. Cheers to you!