Episode 114: Michael D

[ghughes1980]

I'd recommend listening to episodes 112 and 114 together the topics complement each other and the continuity works so well.

[sdjustinr]

When he mentioned not being able to imagine reaching age 25 it hit close to home. I used to think the same thing when I was a teenager. I'm in some pretty steep denial patterns concerning my family and this episode inspired me to reach out and get some professional help again. Thank paul.

[ghughes1980]

That specific number hit home with me as well. I had 25 as an end date (of existence) in High school. I really couldn't see living past that I'm still here and to be honest kind of pissed off.

[SomeCallMeK]

30 was the age I always saw myself not living past, even when I was still in my 20s. Some days I feel like a survivor and smile. Other days I feel disappointed and sigh. More the former than the latter, thankfully.

[Michael_D]

I don't know why the age of twenty-five stuck in my head. It wasn't some sort of milestone like the turn of the century or anything. Perhaps that was what my brain thought was an "adult" and that was why it chose that age. Coincidentally, my twenty-fifth birthday was pretty much my lowest point; after that I moved away from my family of origin and began the (still ongoing) healing process.

[ghughes1980]

For me personally I couldn't imagine my body holding out that long and if it did I'd be such a mess that death would be a blessing. At the time I made the proclamation my surgery cycle was about every 3 years or so and I figured at 25 if I was still around I'd be so ravaged etc. "If this is still going on at 25 I am so done." Well I'm 32 now, technically "cured" but still a miserable asshole.

[Michael_D]

There are days when I am proud of being a survivor. But there are also days when I am ashamed of still being broken. It has got better for me but that's not to say that it's not still a struggle. It's hard to ignore the feeling that I'm the only one who struggles, that everyone else is just breezing through life. I think that's one of the great things about the podcast is hearing others on similar journeys.

[ghughes1980]

My thought exactly