Setting myself up for failure

[misseff]

It has been really hard for me to admit that I negative self talk in a unhealthy way. I hold myself to very high expectations, then when I fail to meet those (sometimes unrealistic) goals, I get very negative and stressed out. When I feel so tired or find it so hard to focus that I don't get something done that I said I would, I beat myself up over it for a really long time. Or, I give in to a compulsion when I'm feeling down (eating junk food, taking a nap) and then hate myself for it. I tell myself that sometimes I deserve that nap, or that if I weren't feeling well physically instead of mentally, I'd give myself more leeway, but it hasn't seemed to help in the long term and I just end up telling myself to stop acting like an invalid and stop being lazy.

Does anyone have anything that has helped them stop the guilting and negative self talk and give themselves a break?

Thanks xo

[adrivahni]

Negative self-talk is a huge problem for me too. It's been a big step for me to even become aware of it, and to question how true the thoughts are. It's a hard habit to break. One psychologist I read calls them Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTS - I find them just as intrusive and annoying as the real ants I get in my house sometimes.

So no great advice, but you are definitely not alone.

[manuel_moe_g]

Speaking back to the negative voice is good, especially if you remind that inner voice to always be focused on the [1] actionable and [2] rational -- instead of letting the negative inner voice be needling and nagging and repeating.

Step 1: engage inner voice

Step 2: negotiate with the inner voice into something substantive, actionable, and rational. It will probably involve writing something down, because if it takes more than 5 minutes to accomplish, writing it down is exactly how it will turn into a plan that will turn into prolonged action.

Step 3: thank inner voice for their help and concern

Step 4: when the negative inner voice speaks up again, check quickly if there is any deficiency in what was performed before. If so, take care of the deficiency. If not, thank the inner voice again, but remind the inner voice that if something cannot lead to something actionable and rational then it technically has zero informational content. And spending time on things with zero informational content is irrational and a mild form of self-harm.

I am not confident in my writing here. Is this good? What do I need to change? I thank you awesome people for your criticisms in advance.

All the best to you "misseff". We here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[Dave33]

Something that has worked for me as far as perspective on my productivity was to start each day by writing a "to do" list on a post it. While I drink my coffee I jot down the things I want to get done that day. Only stuff that can be done that day goes on the list because you don't want to set unrealistic goals and even simple stuff I'd do anyway like "take a shower" gets a spot. Throughout the day I cross stuff off and if I end up doing stuff that wasn't on the list I add it just to cross it off so I give myself credit for it. This way I have a constant reference to motivate me, and at the end of the day when I'm usually at my most self critical I have a physical thing to look at that proves I accomplished more than I'm willing to admit. Obviously this will only work if you find yourself crossing stuff off and I'm not sure it will work for everyone but I've found it to be helpful.

[oak]

Been there too! You are not alone hang in there