Just like a little kid

[eshkol]

I'm male, will be 18 years old in two weeks. I'm on an exchange trip abroad. I'm secretly in love with a local girl I have little chances with.

I've been ill since I was about 12 with a chronic illness that deprives me of energy to the point where I can't concentrate on my own thoughts. Many people still don't believe that I have any real problem.

My father told me some time ago that I'm making my problems up to make people regret me. He will not change. He is not my father anymore. He was never a complete father to me. A despicable figure of no masculinity, no bravery, no compassion. Yet I am somuch like him, cynical, mysoginist, disgusting. I will eventually become as cold as him.

I have friends but I'm growing further away from the world because the brain fog is getting worse. I can't remember when I had my last happy day. By this point it could have been two years ago or so.

I'm becoming afraid to socialise with people due to this. I'm afraid of physical contact. Yet I crave a hug. So much. I don't know what's happening nor what shall be. I want there to be something to hang onto.

I haven't grown stronger at all. I will be an adult soon, but I'm indeed like a confused kid. I should be so much further at this point, but I'm not. Thanks if you've read this.

[MizLzie]

Sending a hug your way eshkol.

I know this sounds cliche, but you are young, you have many years ahead of you to get to a place of feeling better. Not sure if this helps in any way, but at 32 I still feel like a confused kid at times. Perhaps that never goes away. From a positive side - feeling like a kid can make for some great moments. Allowing yourself to get excited over things, as a kid would. Be proud of your accomplishments and who you are so far. There's no magic bar that you have to live up to. Just the one we put on ourselves.

Wishing you the best!

[Anne]

This breaks my heart. I totally empathize with the state you're in. Growing up was nothing but pain for me. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, had no identity, no self-worth and constantly craving approval.

Things changed. A lot. I am a completely different person today. And if you endure, you will be too.

Get a lot of good input. Input that disagrees with the depressive part of your self. Find people that inspire you. Look out fore like-minded people. Look out for people that aren't like-minded. Read some mind altering books. Find a therapist if you can. Learn something new. Find something that drives you, that you enjoy.

Oh I wish that I could fill everything I have learned about myself and life into little bottles and hand it out to people like you. But I guess the journey that is ahead of you, will be different from the one I am on and that you have to find your own way. Just don't give up traveling and growing. The realitiy you're in is not engraved in stone.

[eshkol]

Thank you.

[kitkat]

I know people have said it before, but you are still so young. No one expects you to have it all figured out, so try not to be so hard on yourself. You're still growing up and in that time where people expect you to act like an adult when you're really still just a kid. Don't give up on yourself, there is no rush and you will get there when you need to. As for your dad and the people who don't believe your illness exists, they don't know what's in your head and they cannot define you. I hope you can still find help in spite of them. I'll be rooting for you!

Super big hugs your way.