Job Search Anxiety Part 2: References.

[oak]

Much forum love.

Two weeks I faced my anxiety of applying for a job after a reputable recruiter contacted me out of the blue.

I posted about my anxiety here in the "Anxiety" forum.

I faced my anxiety, felt more of it, and came through happier. I was not offered an interview, but appreciate the recruiter's interest! Hugs for that guy.

Since then I met with a career counselor who was kind enough to call me on self-destructive job search behaviors, namely:

1. Lack of basic interview preparedness (that is, fucking up questions I can reasonably expect). This brings up "not enough" feelings.

2. Staying in touch with my references so they have an idea of what to tell employers.

(Hugs for her being willing to call me on my shit! Hugs for me for being willing to be honest about my shit!)

As far the #1, we role played thoughtful responses, and I practiced before my next phone interview. Sure enough, the phone interviewers asked me the very question the career counselor and I practiced!

Rather that mangle a seat of the pants non-answer (as was my previous practice), my mind flashed back to the role playing, and I role played with the interviewers! Except it came out as a coherent response

As far as #2, the career counselor also encouraged me to reach out to my references, so that they have some idea of what I do, and that employers would be calling again.

Instead of out of the blue calls from employers, I can give a heads up to my references, who are kind and generous people.

(Can you feel the shame radiating? )

After putting calling off for a week, I emailed two of my references today, requesting brief phone chats.

I feel anxiety. I have a stress headache. And I feel...like my brain is going at a fast speed. I feel jittery.

My third of four references is my former retail supervisor, and I can visit her in person since she works a quarter mile from my house. The main thing is just to remember to see her. I just put in my phone calendar to stop by and see if she is in, for this afternoon.

Lastly is my former supervisor, a real sweet older fella. I feel such shame in not contacting, even (or maybe because) he is so kind and (professionally) loving to me.

I have alot of brotherly love for him.

I am okay if one or two of my four references decline to ref for me; I know that I will actually be happy after talking to them, and I look forward to posting that here! If I feel anxiety before, but know that I know will be happy after, why did I procrastinate?

I am afraid, contrary to all reason, that I will die if I call my elderly reference. I know rationally that death is impossible, but the Voice tells me otherwise.

I'm scared.

But also excited.

Results to follow. Thanks for listening, and I appreciate any advice!

[oak]

Also, I often feel anxiety talking on the phone.

I stuttered as a kid, and while I rarely stutter the last twenty years, I have an aversion to the phone!

I also feel like I am imposing on people.

Anxiety

[Leebeeboo]

I can definitely identify with phone anxiety, and I never had a speech issue. I just feel like my tongue is going to stop working and I won't be able to convey my point. Yet, I spent many, many years of my life arguing on behalf of patients on phone calls to insurance companies in order to have claims paid (go figure.)

About 8 years ago, I asked a former supervisor to be a reference. I felt sheepish asking, as he had moved out of state to take the CEO position at another company, but he was a well known person in the area, wealthy and from a prestigious family. He wrote me an unbelievably flattering letter that said things about me that were glowing, and made me wonder if he was really talking about me. He included his personal contact information on it, encouraging my prospective employers to call him so he could gush some more about how I was one of the top employees he'd ever managed.

I wish, in hindsight, that I would have took him up on his offer to go with him to the new place out of state as his assistant, because I know now how much he valued me. My point is, you may be pleasantly surprised by the way your former employers/colleagues view you, and some may be more than happy to tell anyone just how awesome you are.

[oak]

Much forum respect Lee!

Thanks for empathizing, and thank you for advocating for clients; you gave them a voice.

Update!

So after writing that post yesterday, I emailed two of my four references. Both of them got back to me last night, after I was exhausted. I was sooo nervous calling my mentor/reference, and I also saw that he called last night.

In about a half hour I will return the emails, and call back my mentor/reference.

Honestly, I still feel anxiety. If yesterday's anxiety was a hearty 7, today's is a wishy-washy 4. But still there.

When I am all done, I will post here regarding some of the underlying issues. (Spoiler: it will regard my old "Not Enough" tape in my head)

[weary]

Hi oak,

I hear you on the reference anxiety, and I know exactly what you are feeling. If I look objectively at my past experience, the people that I have been most nervous about asking for references have provided some of the best ones. I think we often assume that other people are fixated on the same negative things about ourselves that we are, and that is almost never the case. Someone that you describe as a mentor will undoubtedly have some good things to say about you. In my experience (these days writing many letters of reference for students), people really don't like providing bad references. The quick response after making inquiries to your references is probably a good sign as well.

And I'm with you on the phone anxiety, too. I'm a little better with it these days, but only because I used to be ridiculous about it - if we were ordering pizza, I would usually ask my wife to call (I don't do that anymore). I'm not really sure what that was all about, because it was just as bad in trivial situations as in important situations. But it led to a lot of procrastination and avoidance on the phone (which I still have in emotionally charged situations).

Best of luck. If you come across professionally even a fraction of how polished, clever and empathetic you are on these boards, I am sure that you will be a very appealing potential hire.

[Leebeeboo]

@weary, I thought I was the only one who didn't like to call in delivery orders! For a while, I only ordered from places with online systems. It seems like such a simple task, but I couldn't stand doing it.

[weary]

@weary, I thought I was the only one who didn't like to call in delivery orders! For a while, I only ordered from places with online systems. It seems like such a simple task, but I couldn't stand doing it.

I'm kind of embarrassed by it, really. I'm better with calling for takeout than I used to be - in fact, I know when I am really exceptionally drained or tired because now those are the only times when I want someone else to do it. For things that are a little more important, I still strongly prefer being able to e-mail/text rather than actually having a real phone call.

[oak]

Much much forum respect and love, Lee and weary.

So I truly am not alone with phone anxiety! Cool.

Many thanks weary for your encouragement about letting my true self come out in interviews: for a long time I was stuck in my head, and unprepared.

Analogy:

I was like the "dorky" board game playing geeky kid asking out the pretty cheerleader: all awkwardness and elbows.

Then I realized the cheerleader is a person, just like me, and has her own doubts and insecurities. When I recognize our common humanity, we can take each other off of pedestals.

Same thing with interviewing.

Once I realized that I am not an all or nothing person, professionally, I can offer the best view of my professional life and skills, and let the employers decide if I am the right fit.

And just like the pretty (seemingly unobtainable!) girl, the employers are often kind and welcoming.

So I am on my way with my job search. I'll keep you all posted. I consider you all partners in my success.

(btw, "geeks" are super sexy! As in way way sexy.)

[weary]

Then I realized the cheerleader is a person, just like me, and has her own doubts and insecurities. When I recognize our common humanity, we can take each other off of pedestals.

Amen.

[kitkat]

Congrats and good luck with your job search! I'm glad you found a job counselor that can really help you and that you're following through with her suggestions and seeing results! Jobs and interviews (and keeping in contact with references haha) are one of my main anxieties, so all the work you're doing is really inspiring. I also go in to interviews not fully prepared, mostly because I don't know the answer to questions (why should they hire me? i have no idea), but also because my mind tends to blank when I'm afraid of something, so thinking about what to say in interviews is sort of a mind block for me. But thinking of them as normal people, can really help! A few years ago I had an interview I was so nervous about, I was on the verge of vomiting, and when I got there, the man who came to interview me was full of tattoos and smiling, and it made me think of him as a regular human instead of a frightening, cold, businessman. I've tried to keep that in mind since then and pick out the dorky, human characteristics in the people who interview me (which is sometimes easy since I am in a geeky, dorky field) and it does lower the tension.

And add me to the people afraid of phones! I have gotten better about ordering delivery on the phone, mostly because I was always forced in to it by my family because they never wanted to do it either, but it still is uncomfortable. I never answer a phone if I don't know the person calling, and sometimes, when I do, I still don't answer it because of the anxiety and avoidance in me. I don't know if this is similar with other people, but this anxiety, I can actually pinpoint the reason to, which is maybe helpful, haha. Between the ages of, I'd say, 12-16 or something around there, I was in contact with my father, who would call me somewhat regularly to yell and complain and mostly make me feel like a horrible person, telling me I'd end up like my mother (which isn't a bad thing, but, in his eyes, it is) since all woman are golddigging sluts (which, again, my mother is not, but somewhat ironically the women he always dated after he and my mother divorced, were very much) and how I was a bad person and how I didn't stick up for him and why did I never want to see him and, of course, he has decided it is too painful for him to see me and will not see or talk to me anymore (which he said a lot and would then call again a couple weeks later to ask why I hadn't called him), and so on. So, naturally, speaking on the phone quickly became a trigger for me.

ANYWAY, sorry I went on a bit of a rant there, ha ha..

The point is! Please keep us up to date on your job search and any tips you get along the way! I'm in the same boat and rooting for you!!