Who am I?

[findingmymuse]

I just need to know that someone, anyone out there feels the way I am. I feel like every day is a constant battle. Some days are better, and I just tell myself I'm going through a rut, but other days I just lay in bed and cry for no reason. For along time, I've felt like my depression and anxiety has gotten so bad, that it has literally changed who I am. I used to be a funny, silly, goofy girl. I was in no way ever cocky, but I used to love who I was. Used to really love who I was as a person, I used to be a very strong person. I knew what I did and didn't like, I would speak my mind, and I was very open. Always the person you want to talk to. I was always very confident in who I was. But for some reason, I feel so disconnected from the world, from my life. I don't how to be myself anymore, because I don't know who that is. I literally rarely truly enjoy anything I do. Even things I love, the only things I do enjoy is spending time alone. I almost dread hanging out with friends or family for that matter. Its draining. Thoughts of how I am now, and how I used to be burst through me. I can feel even my closest, longest friends pulling away from me. Because I've become this empty shell of who I used to be. I just want to be happy again, and I keep telling myself its going to get better.. I've become this person, who is always over thinking things. I don't know how to be myself and that makes me feel like I'm just one big fake of a person now. I used to be talkative and fun, now my mind is just blank. There's nothing in there, only the yearn to get home and be myself and not have to talk to people. But I have never been this kind of person, I have always been a very positive, happy go lucky girl. I'm just so sick of this, I hate being trapped in my head all day. I guess to get to the point, is there anyone out there who is going through this? Or has gotten through this? I just need some advice, help, just something to know that I'm not alone. I have never gone through this to this extreme or for this long before.
Sad to say, but I miss my mania!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello findingmymuse, welcome to our little forum!

I too suffer from depression and anxiety. I am sorry to hear that your depression is making your life very empty compared to how you used to feel. I have had bouts of mania, but they scared me so much I prefered by depressed baseline - for you I wish you could recapture the happiness you once knew.

Please contribute your opinions and advice and thoughts in the threads here - we are all waiting to read them!

All the best, take care, cheers!

[ScottMentalPod]

Depression sucks! What's really hard is trying to figure out is WHY! Are you depressed because people are not telling you they are proud of you or because your serotonin & dopamine levels are screwed up.

Are you taking any medication?

[ScottMentalPod]

The higher the high. The lower the low. It's best to level out.

[serenity88]

Findingmymuse, how are you doing? I too isolate, feel far away from the people I used to be close with and most of all, far from myself- who i was and want to be. It's hard to want to be with people when it takes so much energy. For me, I know I need to reach out and when I don't I feel guilty about not helping myself. It's more comfortable to live in your own thoughts and so terrible all at the same time. I think if you can even call someone or go for a short visit with someone you trust- say to meet for tea- it can help. It might not feel better right at first because it feels tiring and awful. A few days ago, I made myself go to my parents' for dinner (about a half hour drive away). I was very close to making up an excuse like I had the day before. I hadn't slept hardly at all the night before and was tired, cranky and wanted to wallow. But I went and it was okay. I felt some comfort, some agitation, I cried for a bit and maybe even smiled a couple times. I haven't been out to see anyone since and I know I must force myself to again because my intellectual self says it is the smartest thing I can do to help myself. My mind is a lot smarter than my emotions though, 100% of the time. Take care.