Confused by Psychiatrist

[shanarchy]

I'm feeling confused by my psychiatrists suggestions.
He uses fear to help me think about my actions.
I don't like to even think I need to fear anything in order to get better.

He usually asks about my intimate life since some meds tend to affect a woman's libido.
I told him I haven't had an interest in being sexual with my husband (or anyone else, just to be clear) in over a month.
He said that I should be afraid of my husband being unfaithful to me if I don't do something about it.

We agreed that before, when I use to drink, alcohol helped in loosening my inhibitions.
Since I haven't had a drink in over four months, it's been an issue for me to get intimate without it's help.
He said the meds have nothing to do with it because the one's I'm taking have no effect on libido.

The thing is I want to cry just by the thought of being responsible for making my husband look for other ways to fill a need.
The psychiatrist says that it's only natural and it's nothing to be ashamed of that people want and need sex.
But, I don't know what's the matter with me and I don't want to feel afraid.

[weary]

That is bullshit.

I hope that you find a new psychiatrist. If your husband cheats on you, it is not because you did something to deserve it. He is responsible for his own choices and behaviors, just as you are responsible for yours. If the frequency of sex between you is an issue, you need to talk about it. If it's an issue to him, he needs to talk about it.

It sucks to feel afraid, but we all feel afraid and there are a lot of things in life that are scary. Fear is normal. Fear is healthy. A doctor using fear to motivate you doesn't seem like the best thing, in my opinion. I think you need to think about how you feel and what you think about sex and share those feelings with your husband. If you don't have desire right now, you don't, and there are a million possible reasons for that, some of which he may understand and accept, others he might not. None of it makes you a bad person or responsible for his actions or choices.

Is he suggesting that you have sex with your husband even if you don't feel like it? If so, what is your reaction to that idea? If you love your husband, is that an example of "taking one for the team"? I don't know.

I apologize, because I have been spotty on the boards lately and don't remember a lot from your other posts about what your situation is exactly. I just had a strong reaction to your post and wanted to respond and say I support you.

[shanarchy]

Weary, thank you so much for your reply.

It does feel weird that the psychiatrist insist on making me feel afraid.
I've been seeing him for the past 7 months and the meds (all of them, since he has changed them every couple of months) have helped.
Also, he was the one who suggested I needed to go to an AA meeting.
Overall, I think he's done a good job, except for the fear-inducing.

In that aspect, I think I need a therapist/psychologist, someone who might know how to talk to me.
I'll leave him to take care of the meds, but I'm guessing I need to let him know about my confusion in his fear-inducing method.

On a curious note, he once told me I should be afraid of getting pregnant at my age (36) because, as he said, I might have a mongoloid (person with Down Syndrome). By the way, that same week, I saw my gynecologist and he asked me when I was ready to get pregnant, that I was okay to go through with it if I wanted because I was healthy.

I think this is all very confusing to me because I have been going through getting sober.
I feel like I'm getting to know myself all over again.
On the other hand, if being drunk wasn't an excuse for my past behaviors, i don't know if getting sober is an excuse either, but it's still confusing just the same.

By the way, there's no need for you to apologize, weary.
I haven't elaborated on the subject here on the forum.
I wrote this post to get it out of my chest and hopefully get a reply like yours and feel not-alone in my confusion.

Thank you for your support weary.
A big hug to you.

[weary]

Hugs back to you. Making changes and choosing who to ask for help and what to do with that help is hard work. Trust your instincts and your feelings - you know you better than anyone else.

[fifthsonata]

I completely agree with weary. That is total bullshit - you are not responsible should your husband cheat on you. That's a completely misogynistic point of view and you need a new counselor.

I'd encourage you talk to your husband about it. Let him know you're feeling guilty you haven't been intimate with him as much lately and you might be able to work towards some solution...maybe you need a little bit more foreplay than normal to get things going. Of course, letting him try to excite you is the barrier.

It still could be the medication - just because it hasn't been listed as commonly creating decreased libido doesn't mean it's not possible. It may also be possible the medication hasn't "kicked in" yet and decreased libido is still a side product of your illness....the list goes on.

But, to try to guilt you over lack of intimacy with him; to put it frankly, that's fucked up. Truly fucked up.

[fifthsonata]

and reading a little more...saying you might have a "mongoloid" child as a reference to someone with a disability is not the correct term. It's pretty archaic - it's a term that originally was used to describe someone descendent of the Mongol race, and now, in Western cultures, is used as a negative racial insult. first to make you afraid of having a child at the "old age of 36," then to guilt you? that's.....ridiculous.

It makes sense you may be feeling this way as you're recovering. You're depressed and exploring a new identity you've repressed for so long. I bet Paul would have some good advice for this situation, too - the lack of libido, mostly, but I'm sure he'd share similar sentiments regarding the shrink.

[weary]

fifthsonata, I thought exactly the same thing about the word "mongoloid"... that was a red flag to me as well.

Shanarchy, you have really good instincts about this psychiatrist - I think he is not giving you very good advice. I would really encourage you to follow through on the idea of getting some talk therapy rather than just meds - especially with the issues you are trying to recover from and deal with. Meds can help but they won't fix things on their own for most people.

[shanarchy]

Thank you for your reply and your suggestions fifthsonata!

I did have a talk with my husband about it.
It's a work in progress.

I totally agree with you, weary.
Thank you for your support!

I do feel less guilt/shame, thanks to all your replies.

Before, when I used to drink, my usual response to this type of situation was to quit.
I would have just stopped seeing that particular doctor and later would find a new one.
(...and I would have made a mental note to never see that doctor again...there's quite a long list.)

Now, things are different.
I feel I need to face my fears, not just move along.

I feel afraid, but I understand it would be assertive of me to let the psychiatrist know how his comments are making me feel.