Just one of those days.

[Geoff]

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about today right now.

I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't get back to sleep; I didn't need to get up until 5:30. At 5:30, I had my first real textbook panic attack; heart racing, cold sweat, felt I could vomit at any moment, the works. The kicker with that situation? I had a psychiatrist appointment at 10:40 that same morning, and due to my dependence on my mother for transportation, I had to go with her to the city at around 6:30, where at my insistence (she has a very talkative, inquisitive co-worker that I could not handle today) I was left off at a Starbucks until my appointment (luckily, did not drink coffee). It turned out that the back corner was taken, so I had to wait in a relatively un-populated part of the store for them to leave--at which point I rushed over and proceeded to read random shit on the internet for 2 hours.

(I did have one experience at Starbucks that, in retrospect, is amusing on a few levels. I was standing there, shaking, looking for a place to sit where I'd be alone, when an older guy said, out of nowhere, "There are some cute girls over there," pointing toward the spot where I had intended to sit. I half-assedly not-quite chuckled and walked away. I keep telling myself I didn't offend him; he seems the kind of guy to not take those responses to heart. But in hindsight the whole scenario is hilarious to me.)

So I had my psychiatrist appointment, which was fine, and she prescribed Abilify to see if that would work well with the Prozac and curb my obsessive-compulsive thinking. Fine. Left there, went somewhere to while away the afternoon and wait for mom to get off work.

My mom picked me up, and she started asking me questions about my issues and such, which gets my anxiety going a little again, because our relationship is a bit...distant, I guess. We talk from different contexts and in entirely different manners. So I got a bit on-edge. We get to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription, only to find that the Abilify would get in tomorrow and would cost $600, and my insurance wouldn't cover it. Which pushed me a bit too far. I'd never realized or been told that it would cost me that much out of pocket. So that sent me into another bit of a spiral of "Jesus Christ, this whole thing is not going to work out." We're not getting the Abilify, by the way.

In any case, thanks for reading if you did. I'm trying not to think that I'm vastly overreacting to this whole thing, but the fact that I've been crying since I got home is proof enough to the contrary.

[oak]

Oh Geoff, can I identify. I had a trigger-filled trip trying to get to a support group. In fact, the trip was nearly traumatic. So you are not alone!

Also, I can so identify with the feeling that even at 6 am, it can already be a long day.

I send hugs and high fives.

Thanks for sharing. I feel a little less alone. I hope you are able to afford the medication soon. Take care.

[Geoff]

Thanks so much for the reply, Oak! Wonderful to hear from you.

My mother called her insurance provider to see why they couldn't cover the Abilify; they ended up recommending a few medications that are similar but older and cheaper. I hope to gather the guts to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and ask a few stuffs.

I also talked to one of my close friends on Facebook, and told her everything. She actually suggested I get a dog or cat (hypoallergenic for the latter, since I am allergic to cats). I wouldn't mind having a dog, actually, on the smaller end. Corgi or something. I love them. In any case, she's been really supportive of me.

I'll try to keep you guys updated on this.