Crushed

[sim0n3]

So, I'm 25. It's been about 3 years since I've graduated from college. Up until that point I had always been a star student, someone who was considered to have a lot of potential, someone who people believed would accomplish some amazing things (which sounds conceited, but I was essentially told this to my face). Since graduating, I've just worked a string of dead-end jobs (e.g. Starbucks, waitressing etc.). I've considered grad school, but never finished my applications; I've applied for some full-time jobs (like working in an office or whatever) and for some government jobs (which would utilize my degree (international relations), but I've been turned down for all of them. I have this rehabilitating fear of rejection. I genuinely keep working at menial jobs in order to avoid failure (you know, if you don't try then you can't fail).

I finally decided to apply for Teach for America, because I know i want to be a teacher (finally figured it out) and this would be an amazing opportunity. Four hours ago, while at work, just before I had to tutor three students, I found out that I didn't even make it past the first round. It was so devastating, so emotionally traumatizing. It just reinforced all the terrible things I thought about myself. I told my sister about it, and she was wonderfully supportive. I told a good friend (well, when I say good friend, what I mean is a girl that I fell completely in love with and had a quick affair with, but that's another, lengthy story) and she was great because she had also applied to TFA and been rejected.

But I haven't told my boyfriend yet. When I got home from work, we had dinner together, but he went out to grab a drink with a friend. I had plenty of opportunity to tell him, but I didn't. I just know that I will cry, and it will be messy and he'll be supportive but I hate externalizing things and actually dealing with feelings. So instead I'm on the couch, in my pjs, drinking wine, eating ice cream on the internet. I just needed to write all this down in a privately public sort of way and vent. Thanks for listening or whatever.

[manuel_moe_g]

i also had to reconfigure my relationship with failure and success

try -> fail -> try -> fail -> try -> fail -> try -> fail -> try -> SUCCESS

if you look at the diagram, a lot more "failure" than "success", but the key feature for living an accomplished life is the fact that you kept trying UNTIL you succeeded. And the whole enterprise ends with sweet SUCCESS!

please keep trying, because that is the most self-loving thing for you, and i want you to be your own best friend

cheers, sim0n3!

[Cinnamon]

Teach for America is very competitive because it pays your student loans but
if the goal is to teach, there are so many ways to do that. Become a substitute teacher - in many states all you need is a BA or BS and a background check. Do teaching at a clinic or shelter. Teach ESL.
You found your goal after wandering in jobs you didn't want. The Teach for America is just a route on the road that wasn't your path.
its okay to self nurture a bit with a night of ice cream and wine and tomorrow, make the first step to the next option that will head your direction to teaching.

[lawlessness45]

I desperately want to reply to you, and offer some sort of encouragement, but your post hit really close to home. I had to take a break for a day before writing back. I understand the frustration, fear of failure,(feeling like a failure) and general discontent you expressed. When I read about how you were a star student and expected to do great things it was like a sharp jab at my psyche. I've had those same expectations placed on me by others and myself. What I'm learning to do is try and accept where I am in my life, right now. Shit happens. Things fall apart. Relationships crumble, that job you want falls through, your health fails...life is messy and unpredictable. And even though you don't feel like it, you are doing a good job. You are surviving. You are alive. You are working, paying taxes, trying make your life productive, even if what you are doing is mind numbing. You are impacting people's life by your presence-- family, friends, boyfriend and girl friends, even coworkers and pets. (Some times the only thing I cling to is that my cats would have a much worse life without me around to cuddle, play with, and fatten them up. Haha) your simple presence carries more impact than you know. I know these words don't help when you are heart broken and feel defeated,and believe/feel like you are a failure and your education was a waste. But...the only way I've been able to survive recently is to seek fulfillment outside my job. I'm not saying you should give up and just accept whatever crap that comes your way. But...sometimes it helps to look forward to things that aren't job related. To give yourself a mental break. Stuff like this can occupy your mind so much that there is no room for anything else and it is all you think about. I just want yo provide whatever support I can,and try to be a sympathetic ear. Hang in there.

[weary]

It is awesome that you tries, especially if that was a break from your normal pattern. I'm sorry that it didn't work, but like the wise Manuel moe says, failure is a part of the game. Avoiding failure is also avoiding success.

And I get not being able to tell the bf tonight. I get taking the time to process disappointment and other feelings on your own and get your head straight before opening up and becoming vulnerable. Be kind to yourself - you're a great, intelligent, thoughtful and considerate person with dreams and aspirations. I wish you peace in this disappointing moment and the resilience to bounce back and carry on.