Pressure on spouses of a BPD person

[cry baby]

I have BPD. I freak out over the smallest things and sometimes make my spouse miserable. He begrudgingly puts up with my tantrums; not many people can do that. I also have tremendous guilt for putting so much pressure on him-he even had a heart attack a year ago and I feel like it's my fault because I stress him out. In addition to having BPD, I also have severe depression, am a alcoholic, often suicidal, and had a traumatic childhood. He didn't know what he was signing up for when he started dating me five years ago. We have gone through some major fighting. I was hospitalized on a 48 hr hold a couple months back for trying to throw myself out a window. He had to call the police to come take me to the ER, then I was transferred to the mental facility.

The hard part is, he doesn't understand anything about my diseases-he just wants them to stop and thinks I can just quit-whether it be depression or alcohol addiction. He doesn't get how these diseases affect my brain, body, and soul.

I'm in a great support group that focuses on addiction. There we do the DBT workbook together once a week. I am also in private therapy once a week and sometimes we do EMDR. Whenever we do that, I am a wreck for the rest of the night-you know, pins and needles.

I just wish he understood more about what's going on with me and that I didn't cause him so much grief and stress.

[rxtravaganza]

Hey cry baby (that's my favourite John Waters movie, btw),

What you're going through sounds really tough and feeling that guilt and shame must be incredibly hard for your process of healing.

You sound like a very brave and resilient person who is coping with a lot and just doing your best to get through each day. The fact that you're in a group and working through this stuff is wonderful. Maybe there is a support group for family, friends and loved ones that your husband could join so he could cope with it on his own terms?

Giving you a big mental hug!

[katie_quixotic]

Hi cry baby,
Thank you for sharing. My older sister has BPD but keeps her struggle very private, so I appreciate when other BPs share their perspective. It helps me understand her.

Would your spouse be willing to read a book about BPD? I recently read Walking on Eggshells and found it very insightful. The more I educate myself, the easier it is to distinguish my sister's true self from her borderline behavior. I have more empathy and so much respect for her struggle. It has reframed a lot of my memories from our childhood. She's so much stronger than I ever realized. Instead of always thinking she failed me, I see how much I failed her.

I'm by no means an expert, but I think the key to a healthy BP/Non-BP relationship is mutual validation. The Non-BP needs to respect that the BP is feeling very powerful emotions. It isn't fair for the Non-BP to take pride in their ability to control their temper and hold that over the BP's head. That would imply that the Non-BPs experience of anger is as intense as the BPs. It's not. However, the BP needs to respect that love and support from the Non-BP does not = tolerating abuse. The Non-BP has a right to express their thoughts, create boundaries, and feel safe.

That's awesome that you're in a support group! I wish my sister would do a DBT program. Was there anything in particular that gave you the strength to reach out for help?

-Katie

[BorderlineAttraction]

Hi cry baby,

This is an old post, but I figured it was worth responding to as both a former spouse and a current spouse to someone with BPD. And maybe you're not even experiencing the same issues or challenges with him anymore. Then it's just an additional resource for anyone else who clicks on this topic. As a spouse, these are the things that have helped me in the 10ish months since my husband's depressive breakdown and suicide attempt.

Book: Loving Someone w/ Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning. It's really easy reading, offers guidance, and explains the condition without getting too clinical. It really teaches you how BPD thinking differs from what might be considered normal thinking (I know it's a terrible word, but I can't find a better one right now). My therapist is a Psych ARNP who worked with Marsha Linehan while she was conducting the study that would become CBT for BPD and she approved this book.

Group: Ask him to sign up for a DBT group for Family & Friends. NEA for BPD offers distance groups and local, long weekend workshops, but you may also find local practitioners who lead the 6mo family groups. I just finished my program at the Behavioral Research Therapy Clinic at the University of Washington. Not only did it give me a better sense of how to effectively respond to my husband and support him, but also it gave me the skills to do so without denying myself.

Unfortunately spouses don't get nearly the support that they need in dealing with their borderline partners. The only other spouse in my DBT program had tried another group through NAMI first and was told by someone in that group that at least she had a choice, she could always just leave instead of dealing with the problem.

Back story: My husband has BPD, AvPD, a tendency toward double depression, and the MTHFR Gene Mutation. My therapist would classify him as a Soft/Middle Borderline because he is high-functioning and has learned not to externalize his emotions, but that also means he directs all of it at himself internally. I know that I am fortunate that his extremes are so rarely directed at me--I think I have inadvertently become his regulator. He has done a 12-week Emotional Regulation program, but hasn't done a true DBT program yet--he's working on other aspects of stability right now. My ex-husband was likely never diagnosed with anything more then depression and addiction issues, but I can look back at my experience with him and see the borderline and narcissistic behaviors very clearly. We were both really young and it wasn't pretty. I will never know for sure, but I think our marriage counselor saw the disorders and the danger and told me to get out rather than try to work it out.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I look at this thread often. I've been dragging my partner through the mud for so long, I don't know how I'm ever going to get right with it. I know there are resources for her and as much as I wish she would alter her behavior to accommodate my "problem," I'm also in recovery long enough to know that's not how it works—especially when my behavior has caused so much trauma for her.

I just wish I could keep my damn mouth shut more often.