The third parent

[sdjustinr]

Like Manuel in his thread, I'm having a hard time trying to find a reason to stay alive. Things seems bleak.

I feel decrepit, joyless. Crushed. I would cry but for a numb heart. The effort is futile. It's like trying to light a damp matchstick.

With such low emotional intelligence,I rarely know what I'm feeling, and when I open myself up to my inner life it's easy to become overwhelmed. To spiral ever downwards. Then to numb out, which is my lifestyle preference.

But emotions aren't easy for anyone. I try to remember that, and that I'm damn proud of myself for staying afloat a midst the storm inside.

Honestly though, I can't imagine a future or see myself happy at all. I can't remember what it's like to be happy. I don't think I even know what it's like to feel loved. But, I know that my mind doesn't have these prescient powers. It's useless in the realm of emotions and love. It's just my brain trying to help the only way it knows how. You know what, it's a lot like having an amalgamation of my parents in my head. Or having a third parent. I know they three love me, and they try so hard to help.

But goddamn, were/are they awful at this parenting thing.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am working in therapy to be the loving parent that I didn't have when I was 6-years-old (which is the age I seem to draw back too when I examine closely the pain in my life).

Happy may be a road too far, for me. I am dysphoric by nature. I just want some sense of improvement, clawing towards some kind of accomplishment, and some kind of human connection.

But emotions aren't easy for anyone. I try to remember that, and that I'm damn proud of myself for staying afloat a midst the storm inside.

We feel damn proud of you too!