My fears

[Katla]

I fear that if I don't get help and transition to female, I'll never be truly happy.
I fear that if I do seek therapy, I will be ridiculed or dismissed as not needing help enough.
I fear that if I get therapy and transition, I will lose my wife.
I fear that if I lose my wife, she will take my children.
I fear that if I lose my children, they will be afflicted with mental illness as a result of the divorce.
I fear that if I lose my children I will be happier with the freedom that not having close family would give me.
I fear that people will mock and deride me for posting this.

[Katla]

I also fear that I've gotten so good at hiding my problems that I won't be able to get therapeutic help.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Katla. You are a good person.

[Katla]

I'm afraid that I'll end up posting so much here that I'll crash the server.
I'm afraid that if I truly open up to the people around me, they'll be horrified and shun me.
I'm afraid that I might not be able to stop myself from hurting/killing myself at some point.
I'm afraid that if I pick up the phone and call a crisis line, they'll tell me to get off the line or hang up on me so that someone who really needs their help can get through.
I'm afraid that if I talk to my doctor, he'll want nothing to do with me and will drop me as a client.
I'm afraid that no matter what I finally do, I won't be able to be around for my children, and they will wind up just as fucked up as I am, if not more.
I'm afraid that if I leave my family or my family leaves me, that my children will be raised with the help of my mother-in-law who is a very toxic person.
I'm afraid that I'm going to get fed up and just walk away from everything and nobody will care enough to follow me.
I'm afraid that I'll never feel right in my own body.
I'm afraid that my subconscious is creating false fears to get me to reach out and con someone into helping me instead of someone who deserves help.
I'm afraid that I've been living "successfully" with depression for too long to survive without it.
I'm afraid to try because I might fail, or succeed, or be discovered to be an impostor. Even though I don't think I'm an impostor at anything I want to try.
I'm afraid to remove my mask and show my family that I'm depressed because they look up to me and require me to be healthy and able.
I'm afraid that I've been out of shape for so long that I'll never be fit again.
I'm afraid that there isn't anything that I'm not afraid of. Even though I know things that I'm not afraid of, like heights, speed, water, animals (other than insects... I can't stand insects, and vermin type animals, those can make me lose my shit.)
I'm afraid that this list will be read on the podcast and Paul will mock my fears.
I'm afraid that this list won't be read on the podcast and I will worry about why it wasn't.