Paranoia VS. Reality

[Scratch]

I have a support worker who comes to see me for two hours one day a week and helps me with stuff I need doing. Doctor's, appointments, job search, shopping, whatever. She really wants me to talk to the psychiatrist about my meds because she feels I am paranoid. And though I can see her point of view, it's kind of messing with me too. I feel I can tell the difference between justifiable discomfort over the way the world is going and the bullshit my brain pulls up to keep me scared.

She asks me things and I answer. She asks me what I'm thinking about and I tell her. And SOMETIMES it is paranoid thoughts. Institutionalized pedophilia, government cover-ups and stuff. Sometimes the mental health professionals can make me feel nuts. Anything I say is suspect because I'm already classified as a severe anxiety disorder. I am not a conspiracy theorist, or somebody who stands on a street corner shouting about lizardmen. I'm a sensible, reasoned, person. I mean, I have manic moments, sure. But I think things through. And I keep a lot of it to myself, I don't go on about 9/11 or whatever (I have no opinion on 9/11 and who was behind it). I am not a crazy person. I VERY rarely get panic attacks now.

It is such a hard balance. It's like that old movie line, "Just because I think they're all out to get me, doesn't mean that they're not."

My neighbour has a drone with a camera on it that he flies around the neighbourhood. That is fact, I've seen it with my own eyes and my friends can confirm it. I never say it means anything, I never said he was spying on me for the Illumaniti or any crazy junk, I just state the fact that there's this one guy with a drone flying it around looking in people's gardens. But they say I'm imagining it, it's probably just a toy helicopter. That's just one example.

I see their point and am very understand, I try not to get mad about it, but I feel they are too quick to label me as paranoid because I'm worried about the psychos trying to take over the world like Pinky and the Brain but with a much bigger budget. I don't obsess on this. It's just fact. There is ALWAYS somebody trying to take over the world, and in this day and age they have better technology to do it with.

I kind of feel trapped between two worlds. Kensington (the local mental health system) is full of nice normal middle aged women who think the world's just fine and dandy and want me to take more meds to correct my thinking. The truther/conspiracy people say the FDA is a sham and they're just looking for excuses to pump me up with meds. I'm someone who believe the truth is more somewhere in the middle, but everything's so black and white with people. It's frustrating the hell out of me.

I have agreed to go in to meet but my own agenda is actually to put my point of view across and express a desire to lessen my meds now that I've come so far with my self-care, as I feel the side effects are affecting my physical health and as a result, my recovery. My paranoia is a tool to remind me how to live my life and I am NOT under its control.

Although, it has been a few years since I actually went into Kensington (the mental health place) and discussed this, and I'm looking forward to finding out to what extend my paranoias have now been venerated with all that's come out in the mainstream news with Snowden, the BBC controversies linked to Parliament and the Crown. They may be more understanding of my thoughts and beliefs now. But I also think they'll be impressed with how far I've come.

Thanks for reading my bullshit, friends.

[manuel_moe_g]

If your mild paranoia is working for you, and not working against you, I think you are justified to not want to be pushed around by the system. Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[Scratch]

Thanks bro. I haven't caught up with the doctor yet but I'll put it out on the table for her like that. Hopefully she sees my side. I guess they can't make me take more meds if I don't want to.

XOXO

[Brooke]

I understand what you are saying. Who doesn't have paranoia? I think what's different between a person who needs to be institutionalized and a functioning person is that they can see themselves objectively. I don't go around telling people about my paranoid thoughts (only to a couple of trusted people in my life). I am fully aware that I am paranoid and I am dealing with it. And when I talk to those trusted few, I'm not there trying to persuade them or expect them to agree with me. I just want to get my feelings out and actually listen to what they have to say because I can learn from them. You're right, just taking the meds won't help unless you do the work on the inside. If you don't want people to tell you that you are paranoid and need meds, then stop talking to that person. Rational people do that. If you keep talking to your support worker even though you know what her reactions are going to be, then that's a problem you need to deal with, and if you can't do it on your own, maybe talk to a therapist. I don't mean to discourage from talking to people, that's healthy; just don't do it when you know you might get upset at what they might say.
I have a friend that used to rant on and on about politics. She would get so angry. After a while, I told her that if she wasn't going to do something about it like write a blog, write to congress, get help in dealing with this issue, etc., then I don't want to hear about it. If it was making her so miserable, she needs to deal with it, instead of continually feeding it. It's not healthy for her and nothing is getting accomplished. She is only hurting herself.
If you are ok with who you are, then it wouldn't matter what other people thought or said to you. In this case, I feel like you are expressing yourself and then getting upset about other people's responses. It sounds to me that you have a very rational mind and you are on your way to recovery. Didn't mean to come off harsh.

[Brooke]

It may have come across too harsh. I apologize for that. I do support you and want the best for you. Reading your message hit some type of nerve in me and it's not you. I know the feelings of wanting to be heard and feeling frustrated when we feel like we are not. And of course I wasn't implying that you were in the category of "the institutionalized." (Hell no!) I was referring to that in general. You really do sound like you got a good head on your shoulders. I hope everything works out for you. Since I can't seem to edit, I thought I'd drop you another line. Take care.