Long term recovery still feel crazy as fuck

[Chewtoy]

Hey,
I have been clean and sober for 23 years. My career fell apart when the housing crisis happened a few years ago and it took a long time for me to get back on my feet. I am still not really back on my feet.
I don't suffer from depression. But I was depressed. I lost my house and my retirement. I still haven't filed bankruptcy but it is a task I have to get to soon. I think there are two words that should be stricken from the language. Literally and constantly. You should have to get special training to use those words...
At the risk of being a hypocrite, I have to say, I literally lost my shit! All of my shit.
As things got worse I fell into a paralysis I can't even make sense of.
I couldn't function.
I started masturbating for hours a day.
It was physical pleasure but it grossed me out .
It was just like getting high .
I was repulsed by myself And by my behavior.
I went on for a couple of years.
Every day for a few hours. Porn and masturbation. Then a meeting at night. Where I felt like a fucking liar. I felt like a wasn't sober at all.
It really didn't end until I moved out of that house and disconnected the computer.
Now I only use my phone and it has kind of stopped. I recently god a good job again and am getting back on my feet.

Here is my current dilemma.
I am in love with a married woman who is also a recovering addict. Right? Am I out of my mind? Anyway, we are not having sex . Because, well for some obvious reasons and some maybe not so obvious reasons.
Obvious reason number one~ she is married. I don't want to share. And, it is bad practice. Granted I have slept with a married woman before and she left her husband during the time we were seeing each other.
I didn't really want to be with her and she was cheating on him with other guys when we met.
Fucking mess....
Now this married woman... A pattern forming? Fuck!
No! I really love this girl... most of the time. Right now is not one of those times. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe this is my fault.
Fuck
After reading this I feel sleazy as hell...
Maybe I am totally off base.
I can't write anymore now. Typing on the phone sucks ass.
And I feel sick.
Thanks for reading!
Uhhgggg!!!!!

[Chewtoy]

I asked if I was ready for a relationship and this was the card I turned...
Fuck me!!!!

The card represents the critical factor for the issue at hand. Queen of Wands, when reversed: The dark essence of fire behaving as water, such as steam: The natural embodiment of passion and sensuality, who will do anything to the be the center of attention. A seducer who calculatingly dons the guise of what others desire. A cocky and domineering person, who pushes anyone or anything aside to get what she wants. One who is vengeful and quick to take offense without good cause. May indicate infidelity and contempt for a relationship.

Good thing I believe in nothing...

[manuel_moe_g]

Don't dismiss yourself as you make steps to improve and live your life as best you can. Please take care, Chewtoy. A good tarot reading can bring up some important issues. We are all wishing you well, cheers.

[KathyArsis]

Depression is the bane of the intellectual. unfortunatly the powers that be do not pave a wide breath for the mentally damaged intellectual. i do not offer advice because if you were to seriously take it into account that would make you crazy as well as depressed. Masturbation is a gift from God, if it helps, fuck the shit out of yourself and dont be desgusted or ashamed. fuck the religious zealots, there have been numerous studies whose results find in favor that the doctrine stating masturbation is a sin and something o be shameful about is simply another way to exert control over the flock. your fascination with married women is a classic symptom of your self conscious pining for something you know you shouldnt partake of, either because you feel your unworthy or incapable of culminating, and furthermore sustaining a deep physical and emotional connection with another person i.e. you want something you feel you can never have. Also u probobally find some secret joy by doing something that could potentially ruin other people's happiness....not because yer a bad person or anything, maybe it's because your lonely and angry about that, and everyhing seems to suck right now. btw, i'm not a bitter person, i'm not judging i am an insomniac with nothing better to do. you are a good person. you are a deeply flawed person, but the very best person are. you are capable of manh many many great and beautiful things, but right now your lost...the bad news, no one can find you but you...good luck

[KathyArsis]

Masturbation is awesome. I cant masturbate, horrible body issues.....if you think you are masturbating too often, you probobally are. Married women are totally hott in some people's minds bc of the whole virgin/slut thing. I am married, been that way for 10 years. I get hit on constantly, sometimes even when i'm with my husband or kids...i've considered it but even if i have feelings for another person, it cant hold a flame to what i got so why fuck all that up on a soft maybe? but hypothetically lets say this chic yer all in love with leaves her husband (n lets be honest, you've probobally fucked her or at least fooled around, yer warm blooded, right?) u gotta think long term. She will not be able to fully see you as a completely honorable, respectable, chivalrous man, and that's not entirely yer fault, everytime you have a disagreement she's gonna automatically think about how her x would've done it diffrently.....n then there's that whole homewrecker thing hangin over yer head. n u desreve a chic thats gonna see you as honorable, and chivilrous, and respectable, not only bc u deserve it, but bc i bet u probably are