Hi, I'm Crazy

[lasercats]

Hello. My name is Maggie, and I recently stumbled upon this podcast and am so glad I did.
I'm 25 and I live in NYC, although I'm originally from Oklahoma. When I was 22, I decided to take a solo vacation instead of spending Christmas with my family. I came to NYC and saw my first broadway show. I was immediately hooked, and new that this world was where I belonged. I moved to NYC 8 short months later, and through sheer luck, have worked on two off-broadway shows and now work for a Tony Award-winning producer. I live with a broadway actress, have managed to befriend my favorite actress, who used to be an idol, but is now just J, the lady who emails me almost every day to chat. I am living most of my dreams: I live in my dream city, I work in theater, I know many famous people, but something feels wrong all the time.
I think that I have always had depression, anxiety, and OCD. I was diagnosed with all three in college, but I remember having obsessive unwanted thoughts as early as first grade. I've always felt different, like I didn't deserve the things that other people had. I'm significantly taller than most women, at 6'1", so I've never felt like I'm allowed to be feminine. When I do dress up, do my hair, and wear makeup, I feel like a man in drag. I have never truly felt beautiful. I've never been in a relationship, partially because I don't know how to get out and meet people, and probably also because I don't think I deserve to be loved. As a result, I pour all of my romantic energy in to hopeless crushes on broadway actresses who are married and significantly older than me. I am head-over-heels in love with one such actress, who happens to be in the same show as my roommate, and my roommate is her protege. It's awkward for me to be close to her but in the completely wrong way, and to know that what I want so badly will absolutely never happen. I talk about her probably as much as I talk about myself, and while I'm sure that it annoys other people, I don't know how to stop. I can't love myself, so I love these other women so much that it's all I want to live for.
I'm working on a play about my family: about three generations of women, all of whom have depression but express it in completely different ways: I see it as a medical disorder, my mother sees it as retribution for a deep character flaw, and my grandmother sees everyone else as the problem. I have been writing it with my favorite actress, J, in mind to play my mother, and I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I was working on something for her a few months ago. Now I am stuck, and can't find the key to making it good enough for her to read. She is a seriously regarded actress in the city, a veteran, and I can't hand her a piece of crap manuscript. Another obstacle in finishing the play is that my grandmother is dying. She has alzheimer's and was recently put in hospice care. The grandmother character, who also has alzheimer's, dies in the play, so it feels wrong to write about her death while she is dying. In one way it is therapeutic, but in another, it feels like I'm using everyone.
I'm trying to be better, but it will be a long process. I appreciate your welcoming me to this place, where hopefully I can find some tools, discover things about myself and others, and help you as well.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello lasercats, welcome to our little forum! Make yourself at home in the threads here.

All the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[Cornflake Girl]

Welcome. I am so glad that you are here and had the courage to share.