Fear and (self) loathing

[rivergirl]

Sometimes after I post in the forum I feel dread and feel bad about myself. I just posted a question for Ericka Holmes and I feel extremely anxious and disgusted with myself. To post a question about myself and be the first person to post just seems so ... selfish, arrogant, just gross somehow. I've had a similar feeling for much of my life after I feel like I've been too vocal. Even when I give a presentation at work that goes over well, after work I have an impulse to run far away and sometimes will binge eat or self-harm to take away the anxiety of having been noticed and taking up too much attention and space.

[rivergirl]

I have not self-harmed since posting about it on a forum here though. Trying to "use my words" as someone (Oak?) said.

[manuel_moe_g]

I have not self-harmed since posting about it on a forum here though.

rivergirl, your posting history shows you have a lot to contribute here. I am so glad about you "using your words"!

[rivergirl]

Thank you, manuel_moe_g. It helps that there are kind people (including you!) here on the forum. I'm finding that my lows now aren't quite as low as they were before I started posting and looking for other support resources, so am beginning to believe there is value in trying to connect, both for me, and I hope in the future for other people that I can offer support to as well.

[billgate123]

after work I have an impulse to run far away and sometimes will binge eat or self-harm to take away the anxiety of having been noticed and taking up too much attention and space.

[Fargin]

I do this all the time, a few times I delete my posts for this reason.

I used to, every time I took the word in a group situation, be terrified by the thought, that I said too much, took up everyone else's time, was rambling, incoherent or coming off as totally self-centered. I was so worried about how poor other people might perceive me, that even if they had praise, appeared smiling and interested, it simply didn't register on my radar. For a long time, the thought of someone thinking, I was too much, meant I had to make perfectly sure, I didn't draw any negative attention to myself. I had to be perfect, otherwise I was a horrible person.

I've been working a lot my anxiety and while I still worry and get stressed, my self loathing is decreasing and I'm actually beginning to accept positive feedback. Whenever I'd get praise, I'd instantly catch myself feeling warm/happy and catch myself lowering my defenses, which I couldn't allow. So I told myself that I was pathetic, stupid and self-centered for feeling flattered, when anyone said something nice to me.

Before, my thought pattern would be anxiety followed by loathing myself and my anxiety, this did not help me, is just caught me in a cycle, where my anxiety and self-loathing pumped each other up.
Now, I'm trying to accept that anxiety is usually my first reaction to anything unexpected, so if I'm hit by anxiety, my next reaction is acceptance, which rather lower my anxiety, instead of increasing it.

This is a long term project for me, but I've found, that if I don't constantly judge myself, other people's opinion about me, also become less important to me. I still want to be perceived as a nice person, but I really want to stop presenting myself as a doormat to others, just to be nice.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for the posts, billgates and Fargin. It sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction, Fargin, good for you!

I'm currently trying to stick it out with the same therapist long enough to start working on these issues.